Deal with it

Another day in the New Normal

[The Oval Office. White House Chief of Staff MICK MULVANEY is standing at the corner cabinet where TRUMP keeps his formula, and is apparently just snorting that shit up. TRUMP enters.]

TRUMP: What the hell are you doing?

[Pause as MULVANEY wipes his nose and puts the box back.]

MULVANEY: What’s it look like I'm doing?

[TRUMP shoves him out of the way.]

TRUMP: You got some nerve, you know that?

[TRUMP grabs the box and takes it to the Resolute Desk; points at MULVANEY]

You better not be using my desk, ass-face. That’s for presidential business.

[MULVANEY rubs his hands together.]

MULVANEY: Cold in here.

TRUMP: No it’s not.

MULVANEY: It's freezing! They should have the heat on.

TRUMP: What the fuck is wrong with you? I say it’s not cold!

[TRUMP sits and starts chopping up the formula. MULVANEY goes to TRUMP, looks closely at him.]

MULVANEY: You told them to keep it cold. You feel hot all the time now, is that it? Should I call Bornstein?

TRUMP: No. And by the way you’re supposed to call me sir.

MULVANEY: Sir sir sir sir sir. There. You happy?

TRUMP: Look, just because you had to eat a little shit today doesn’t mean —

MULVANEY: [Loud] A little shit? I ate a goddamn seven-course dinner!

TRUMP: [Loud] Don’t yell! You don’t yell, I yell!

[TRUMP takes out a metal tube and snorts formula.]

MULVANEY: [A little less loud] That was the worst thing I ever had to do in my life and I’m from South Carolina. Nikki Haley made me take my dick out once.

TRUMP: Really?

MULVANEY: She did it to all the guys. She said, “After that Will Folks shit I could suck your dick at Fort Sumter and they’d still think I was a nun. Now let’s see that pig!”

[TRUMP lays out some more lines.]

TRUMP: That’s disgusting!

MULVANEY: You’re telling me!

TRUMP: Did she suck it?

MULVANEY: No! She just wanted to humiliate me! She laughed and walked away!

TRUMP: That bitch! And I sent her to the UN!

MULVANEY: I know! [Quietly] Did you really make her rub your feet?

TRUMP: What? Oh yeah. No, that was some bullshit I told the Irishman. I don’t know why. Felt like it, I guess.

MULVANEY: But you’d tell me, wouldn't you, if you did? Sir? Please, I have so little in my life.

TRUMP: Oh, Christ. Sure, she rubbed my feet, she jerked me off. She jerked me off on her face.

MULVANEY: Now you’re just playing with me!

TRUMP: Hey, sit down, do a couple lines with your president.

[MULVANEY pulls up a chair, sits, as TRUMP does another line.]

MULVANEY: No fooling, sir, have you seen Dr. Conley lately, because I’m a little worried about the temperature thing.

TRUMP: [Sniffling] You know I think Bornstein changed this shit up again. For a while it was just keeping me awake, but now I’m, I don’t know, it’s like I'm having hallucinations.

MULVANEY: What do you mean?

[MULVANEY takes out a twenty-dollar bill, rolls it up.]

TRUMP: Well, like I had this idea I said something about killing the Kurds.

MULVANEY: Wow.

TRUMP: You look surprised.

MULVANEY: I’m just impressed you know who they are.

[MULVANEY does a line.]

TRUMP: Of course I know who they are! They're the suckers I traded to Erdogan for a nice fat payday.

MULVANEY: [Sniffling] So you did kill them.

TRUMP: Look, things happen, but in the dream I told people I killed them.

MULVANEY: Instead of saying they had to be cleaned out.

TRUMP: Yeah, cleaned out, that's what I said! I said they had to be cleaned out. How’d you know?

MULVANEY: You did say that, sir.

TRUMP: What do you mean?

MULVANEY: You said on television “they had to have it cleaned out.”

TRUMP: I did?

MULVANEY: Yeah.

TRUMP: Huh. Well, things happen.

MULVANEY: Maybe you didn’t mean the Kurds though.

[TRUMP does another line.]

No offense, sir, but you say a lot of crazy shit. So when you said they had to have it cleaned out —

TRUMP: What the fuck d’you think I was talking about, Roto-Rooter? Don’t worry about it, it’s been a long day. It’s late.

MULVANEY: It's four o'clock in the afternoon.

TRUMP: Oooh, yeah, time for my prostitute. So, you feel better about the hotel thing now, right.

MULVANEY: Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

TRUMP: Listen, it’s a big payday for everyone. You get a piece too.

MULVANEY: [Wearily] I can't take a piece, sir, that’s bribery, should I repeat that more clearly, do you have a tape recorder going.

TRUMP: It’s not my tape recording we have to worry about. [Points at desk] That last line’s for you.

MULVANEY: I feel a little hyper, sir, so with your permission —

TRUMP: Wait, I got one more thing for you. In about an hour I need you to go to the briefing room, tell the press I'm selling Grant’s Tomb to Putin.

[Pause.]

MULVANEY: Are you joking?

TRUMP: Nope. 50 billion. I get a taste, of course.

MULVANEY: 50 billion dollars?

TRUMP: That’s right.

MULVANEY: Not rubles?

[Pause.]

TRUMP: Tell the truth, he wasn’t clear. But it’s still a nice piece of change.

MULVANEY: What do I tell them —

[TRUMP gets up.]

TRUMP: I don’t know, some shit. Just tell ‘em to deal with it.

MULVANEY: I said that this afternoon!

TRUMP: So say it again. Get ‘em used to it.

[TRUMP heads out the door.]

It's not like I’m gonna stop.

[TRUMP leaves. Pause. MULVANEY picks up the formula box.]

MULVANEY: [To himself] It’s not like they search me. I could put it in here and no one would know.

[His eyes widen; he looks around the room.]

Oops! Just kidding.

[BLACKOUT]

The next wave in conservative TV

Roger Ailes nods approvingly in Hell

A spokesman for Viacom said that no plans are in the works to launch a news channel, “conservative or otherwise,” after a report that [CBS Corporation and Viacom vice-chairwoman] Shari Redstone was quietly exploring such a plan to rival Fox News...

Redstone’s representative did confirm that she met with President Donald Trump in the past few weeks, but a potential news channel was not discussed. The meeting lasted about an hour. — Deadline

INAUGURAL PROGRAM DAY: GOD & GUN NETWORK

5 am Sign-on: Patriotic montage with a new song — the G&GN Anthem — sung by Toby Keith. Sample lyrics:

I’ll kill a goddamn libtard
And I’ll kill a raghead too
And since Israel tossed out Bibi,
What the hell, I’ll kill a Jew
’Cuz I’m a true American
I'll kill anyone who ain’t
’Cuz I worship Trump and Jesus
If you don’t you kin kiss — mah — taaaaaint

5:15 am-8:00 am: The Kick-Ass Morning Show. Host Tyrus, G&GN’s first big hire from Fox News, starts this decided un-PC show with a hilarious ventriloquist routine featuring a blow-up doll he calls “Bitch McHenry Ooh Maybe I’m Not Supposed To Say That On Account Of #MeToo Well Too Bad Bitch McHenry,” then sports and weather. His sidekick, a rowdy newcomer called Poopmouth, follows with his offbeat take on the morning headlines and figures in the news such as “Il-handjob Omar” and “Nancy Pelosi Suck My Dick,” and a discussion of faith and family with special guest Vice-President Mike Pence. Then, Tyrus and Poopmouth mix it up with a cast of talented rightwing humorists led by Yeah I Said It Award-winner Butch Buttcrack and Dennis Miller.

9:00 am-10:00 am: Libkill McMaga. Kids of all ages will go for this wacky animated secret agent parody in which Libkill McMaga — agent 1488, with a license to kill libs — kills libs non-stop but it’s just a joke so lighten up, libs, before we kill you! That’s a joke, too, Jeez, you libs are touchy! Created by Carpe Donktum and Mike Judge.

10:00 am-11:00 am: Goldline, healing magnet commercials.

12:00 am-noon: Michelle Bachman’s Hour of Faith and Immigration Control. The former Minnesota Congresswoman, now an ordained minister in the First Church of Christ Border Patrol Agent, alternates between Bible stories with an ICE-friendly focus (for example, how the Prodigal Son only returned home because of Migrant Protection Protocols) and horror stories of illegal immigrants who rape, murder, and rape-murder white people. Organ music by E. Power Biggs III.

Noon-2:00 pm: Bladder control, mobility device, and Trump commemorative merchandise infomercials.

2:00 pm-3:00 pm: Trump Exercise for Winners Only. Janine Turner leads viewers in a series of exercises endorsed by the President himself and appropriate for all ages. Includes getting in and out of chairs, that nipple-twisting thing he does, and the Trump Owning the Libs Strut. Filmed on location at Mar-a-Lago.

3:00 pm-4:00 pm: Hunting Humans with Ted Nugent. Traditional hunting show, with a twist: Elk, deer, rabbits etc. have their heads digitally replaced with the heads of liberals like Robert DeNiro and Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, with comic byplay as they are stalked, slaughtered, and eviscerated.

4:00 pm-5:30 pm: Shootin’ Rounds and Rollin’ Coal. Ordinary people from counties with more churches than libraries compete and show off how loud and destructive their weapons are and how thick they can roll coal. Winners get prizes like coffin freezers, archery equipment, and meth lab starter kits.

5:30 pm-6:30: Ads for reverse mortgages, survival rations.

6:30 pm-7:30 pm: Nightly News with Diamond and Silk. Conservative America’s favorite black people tell it like it is as they run through the headlines, interjecting “oh no she din’t” and “uh huh, uh huh,” and soliciting PayPal donations for their upcoming feature film, Diamond and Silk Drain the Swamp.

7:30 pm-8:00 pm: A South Park rerun.

8:00 pm-midnight: Jean-Claude Van Damme film festival.

Midnight-5:00 am: Porn.

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