125 Comments
User's avatar
Bern's avatar

2 marks for the title.

Bern's avatar

[After hearing some Latin] Hey! English!

2 more marks!

Rick White's avatar

This will probably sound real snooty or something, but back in my uni days (in a Classics Dept.), after hearing some Latin , I'd probably yell, "Hey! Greek!" I mean, look at a page of Latin, and then look at a page of Greek. I rest my case.

SteveB's avatar

Now I'm imagining some tweedy, ivy-covered version of that "Tastes Great!/Less Filling!" beer commercial.

Rick White's avatar

I assure you, it's more like Pabst vs. Old Milwaukee!

Bern's avatar

Oo. You almost had Steve there. If only you'da said "Old Madison"

Rick White's avatar

LOL I googled that and only found a young looking Madison Beer

Pere Ubu's avatar

Hey! Estruscan!

SundayStyle's avatar

11. "Sauer, your plane leaves tonight for your new job as dog catcher in the Alaskan tundra!"

12. "Hey, Mr. Dances With Wolves, these beaners are taking jobs away from your precious redskins!"

Bern's avatar

13. "Hey Jackson! Where's yer mask? Yeah, you – 'The Lone Holdout'! You're gone but Tonto stays! HaHaHa!"

Rick White's avatar

??? Have I found a gag so American that even I, a fucking Canadian, don't get? lol

Bern's avatar

I've Confounded Canada! My work here is done.

Jackson: the court's newest member, who dissents on her lonesome from time to time.

Lone Holdout is in re: the above, and a play on the old Lone Ranger bit.

Tonto: the Lone Ranger's sidekick and a Native American (not to be confused with a first person). Tonto gets a pass.

Rick White's avatar

Just to be clear, I know the Lone Ranger and Tonto! And I know who Justice Jackson is. I just didn't connect the dots!

Hairless in Gaza's avatar

(Do you know the old Lone Ranger wheeze that begins with him and Tonto surrounded by lots of hostile Native Americans?)

Rick White's avatar

Honestly can't say I remember any specific moment, but I've seen, say, Captain Picard and Lt. Worf surrounded by angry Klingons and the like many times.

Hairless in Gaza's avatar

This is the rest:

[LONE RANGER] Looks like we're surrounded, Tonto!

[TONTO] What you mean, "we", Kemo-Sabe?

SteveB's avatar

Bill Cosby: "What's this 'we' shit, White man?"

Hairless in Gaza's avatar

Same joke, different space-time continuum!

Circumspectral's avatar

14. [fingers in ears] “LALALALA!! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!”

redoubtagain's avatar

13. (More like) "Get that n****r out of here."

SteveB's avatar

[Looks up at the bench] "Two out of nine, there goes the neighborhood"

redoubtagain's avatar

He's one of those "Up North they don't care how high a Black man gets as long as he doesn't get too close" people. (The Southern corollary is "Down South they don't care how close a Black man gets as long as he doesn't get too high.")

Pink Collar (retd.)'s avatar

Though the "how high" part is ready for revision. Now that any non-fascist Black person was a DEI hire who must be purged.

Circumspectral's avatar

Did he even understand enough of the back and forth to realize things weren’t going his way? Or were Bondi and Lutnick whispering in each ear, “You totally got this, sir.”

It was a busy day for Tubby. I guess that’s why he couldn’t find the time to meddle with the moon launch. I was sure he was going to ground it until they renamed the rocket Trump Voyager 1.

SteveB's avatar

"It will be traveling further than any manned rocket has ever flown and will very substantially pass the moon, go around it and come back home from a distance that has never been done before."

What a talent, he can make even a moon shot sound stupid.

SteveB's avatar

The phrase "will very substantially pass the moon" will be cracking me up for days to come. Thank you, Mr. President, it's a new unit of astronomical distance, the "substantial."

And I wonder if this "farthest distance" thing was added by Jared Isaacman just to get Tubby interested? If your goal is to explore the moon, what you want is to get CLOSE TO THE MOON. Instead, they'll be thousands of miles farther from the moon than any of the Apollo missions, and why? Just to capture some stupid title, to get the dumbest man on earth briefly interested? "Did you pick out any good landing sites while in lunar orbit?" "Well, we were looking at it from fifty thousand miles up, so..."

SteveB's avatar

I promise I'll shut up after this, but Apollo 10, the "dress rehearsal" for the moon landing, took the LEM within 9 miles of the lunar surface. Which was considered quite an accomplishment, because if your goal is to land, "closer" is more impressive than "farther." Of course Apollo 11 set the record for "closest of all" with a distance from the lunar surface of ZERO, imagine that!

But Apollo all happened in a less-dumb time. Today, it's like you're taking a flight from New York to London and the Captain is boasting over the intercom that you're farther from New York than any plane has ever been.

Manqueman's avatar

Wow. This is a first for this exceptional Substack: The post can't match the headline, not that the post was bad or anything, just that the headline was great.

Worriedman's avatar

The dumbest most repellant asshole in history is in charge and there's nothing anyone can do about it-

" The price of gas just doubled! "

" Shucks!"

" The economy is collapsing!"

"Dagnabit!"

" World War III is starting and we're all gonna die !"

" Goddamn Joe Biden!"

Derelict's avatar

Republicans could end this in less than a week if they chose to.

SteveB's avatar

Lately I've been thinking about who replaces him in the hearts of Republicans when he shuffles off this mortal coil, and my money's on Whiskey Pete. A real stand-out when it comes to viciousness and idiocy. Nobody can top him, get the fuck outta the way, JD.

LittlePig's avatar

Nah. He'll get tossed for not conquering Iran (hey, don't feel bad, folks have been trying for 3000 years). No, the MAGA faithful (now in decline due to the outbreak of FAFO) won't buy anybody that Republican Jesus kicked out. Nah, they're done. Farmers were pissed already, now no fertilizer? Sheeee-it. So few regular folks did better under the Fourth Reich that the faithful (now down to 22%, breaking the eternal 27% mark) that as a bloc, well, as Boss Man said, it will end with three dudes in a Wal-Mart parking lot in Dothan, AL. Nah, MAGA got hit in their heart, also known as their wallet. You can't piss off everybody, even trying to subvert voting, because somebody is gonna squeal. (and I know squeals).

SteveB's avatar

"...now no fertilizer? Sheeee-it."

Problem, meet solution. Load up on those bran muffins, farmers!

LittlePig's avatar

Say, you've given me a great idea. I'll make millions. All is forgiven. Now, to tell my porcine brethren, poop = cash. (Pig shit is extraordinarily high in nitrogen. Omnivore. People shit, same same. Nitrogen baby. Look up "night soil'. Or don't, just think about it. How DO those rice paddies get fertilized?)

SteveB's avatar

I just wish we had a president equipped with a jet that can spread human feces over a wide area. Those farmers would be holding No Kings demos right out in the cornfield in the hopes of getting a dump.

Ellis Weiner's avatar

I've been saying that since last February. But nobody listens!

SteveB's avatar

Nobody listens to me when I patiently explain that if pigs had both wings and jet engines, you could take one from New York to LA.

Ellis Weiner's avatar

I'm sorry, did you say something?

LittlePig's avatar

Motherfucker, do you have the temerity to question the Porcine Propellant Program. We've been working for years, but that is a hard lift. So fuck a whole bunch of you. Good day sir!

(yeah, I think he did it deliberately too. Stevie knows my buttons)

SteveB's avatar

I'm taking the Red Eye (gravy) to LA.

LittlePig's avatar

Say what you will, Fartimus I will launch in my lifetime.

SteveB's avatar

" World War III is starting and we're all gonna die !"

Duly noted, for that Trump's approval rating drops from 41% to 40%.

Alexander Jokay's avatar

I was fully expecting Tubby to run his mouth and defy anyone to eject him from the proceedings, so it took me by surprise that he lost interest and left. He's probably putting a future speech in his back pocket, though, something like this, not unlike what we've heard before: "I've done more for the Blacks than any President ever. I even protected the rights of their babies to be U.S. citizens when we were getting rid of all those Chinese babies, Mexican babies, Honduran babies, Venezuelan babies, and all the rapists and thugs and drug dealers who made those babies. The Blacks love me for giving them such a generous carve out, yes they do, and they'll show me their love in 2028 in person when there won't be any more mail-in ballots. Hell, they love me so much there won't even need to be an election."

RB Korbet's avatar

I agree, he went for material.

Roy Edroso's avatar

Maybe Alito's idiotic hypothetical about sleeper cells which he will describe as "the great speech by our greatest Supreme Court judge besides whatshisname the black guy, Norman Thomas."

SteveB's avatar

I can imagine, Hamas terrorists come here, have a baby, the baby grows to adulthood and then... what? They commit some extra-special form of terrorism that only citizens are allowed to commit? Just FYI, Sam, the guys who flew the planes into the Trade Center were on tourist visas.

SteveB's avatar

"some extra-special form of terrorism that only citizens are allowed to commit"

AKA "voting"

Bern's avatar

By MAAAAAAIIIL!!!

SteveB's avatar

Nooooo! Not THAT! Stand back everyone, he's got an envelope and he's preparing to lick!

Rick White's avatar

Spy baby grows up to bomb USA. Kinda runs counter to both the trend and the "American Dream," doesn't it?

SteveB's avatar

They're puttin' our domestic terrorists outta work!

Rick White's avatar

And, like, I watched "The Americans."

SnarkiNorski's avatar

Jim Henson's Spy Babies!

SteveB's avatar

Baby Geniuses is an actual movie, although I've heard it's not a very good movie.

Claire März's avatar

a.k.a. Look Who's Voting

Claire März's avatar

He went the way Family thugs show up at Mafia trials, to intimidate and remind everyone who's in charge. But listening to technical Constitutional arguments? BO-ring!

SteveB's avatar

Just imagine having to sit quietly and listen to arguments made by your opponents. Intolerable.

k_kamath's avatar

Anyone who uses beaners this much deserves to be well compensated. Why do all the right-wingnuts who decry the nonexistent prohibition against slurs not cite and use "beaner"?

It's my favorite, and so versatile. You can really show depth of ignorance by referring to everyone from Latin America as beaners, including Brazilians and Uruguayans.

Brazil, just a different bean, right? Frijoles, coffee, what's the difference? They all talk funny.

Roy Edroso's avatar

[somberly] those are *holy* frijoles.

Ellis Weiner's avatar

Somberly, huh? Okay then.

SnarkiNorski's avatar

Speaking of beaners: In our area there was a very Northern European family with the odd last name "Beaner." I wonder if it was anglicized from "Bienør."

SteveB's avatar

They need pronunciation lessons from Hyacinth Bucket

SteveB's avatar

I'm thinking something like "Beignet" Ooh, it's FRENCH!

trentness's avatar

Very disappointed. I really hoped he would at least shout out “Objection!” at some point.

Bern's avatar

Oh. Yeah. 2 marks for obvious.

SteveB's avatar

All those episodes of Perry Mason watched and now wasted

SnarkiNorski's avatar

Judge Judy

SteveB's avatar

She and Judge Jeanine will battle for the job in a UFC fight on the White House lawn.

Claire März's avatar

Of course, it will be fixed, and Tubby's friends will clean up on the betting apps.

Ellis Weiner's avatar

Oh, good. This gives me an excuse to post this:

ANNOUNCER: Next on Judgey Judy...

LAWYER: Your Honor, my client--

JUDGEY JUDY: Just a minute. That's what you're wearing?

SnarkiNorski's avatar

Now I have stuck in my head Joan Rivers yelling "Who are you wearing?"

Claire März's avatar

No way Tubby can sit through an entire Perry Mason.

Richard Von Busack's avatar

I guess the old fuckadoodledoo thought he could eyeball them into submission, as if he were a canny border collie and they were a flock of merinos. Didn’t happen, so he left. Or else he wet himself

SteveB's avatar

"Didn’t happen, so he left. Or else he wet himself"

Which one was it? Depends

Rick White's avatar

Jesus wept, the rest of us are at least trying to be clever! ;-)

Claire März's avatar

He stank up the room and then left. A message, not so coded.

SteveB's avatar

Roberts: "Could the Clerk of the Court open some windows, please?"

SteveB's avatar

But... but... it's all about the DOMICILE, doncha know. Say the guys with Ivy-League law degrees paid to bullshit up an argument. Also "subject to the jurisdiction thereof", such an inscrutable phrase, what could it possibly mean? C'mon, everybody, let's all pretend not to understand words, it's fun and highly lucrative!

DrBDH's avatar

One legacy of the Trump years, told around the campfire flickering in the gutted TV in the courtyard of Harvard Law School, will be tales of once-respectable attorneys who took on defending Trump’s executive orders and, three years later were disbarred and working at Arby’s in Cairo, Illinois. “Then he said the 14th Amendment was only for the children of slaves! May you never hear the level of mocking laughter that followed that poor soul to the end of his days.”

SteveB's avatar

"Every criminal defendant deserves a vigorous defense" turns into "Every crackpot idea deserves a vigorous offense, if the money is right."

SteveB's avatar

Harvard Law School: There's Always a Way if the Client Can Pay

SteveB's avatar

I wonder why the 14th amendment didn't sunset when these people died?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_last_survivors_of_American_slavery

In 1975 we coulda had a big retirement ceremony: "Well done! Please accept this gold watch as a token of our esteem!"

SteveB's avatar

Here ya go, we tack on a new ending, the scissoring out of the Constitution of the 14th Amendment:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Autobiography_of_Miss_Jane_Pittman_(film)

redoubtagain's avatar

(If it were left up to them they'd scissor out the 13th Amendment too.)

SteveB's avatar

Has nuclear weapons, but can't be trusted with scissors

Bern's avatar

Nuclear Scissors! A Cut Above!

SteveB's avatar

They can only be beaten by Nuclear Rock!

Hairless in Gaza's avatar

A new game the whole family can play! WHEEE

Greg's avatar

I know we all make fun of Trump but I always remember that around 80 million people in this country voted for him because they're just like him.

You're depressing thought for the day.

LittlePig's avatar

The solicitor generals voice is a dead ringer for Roy Brocksmith. I know him from the old 'Total Recall' movie (the drop of sweat that tells Arnuld this is real life) as well as Star Trek:TNG (Being beaten by Data in the Stratego game knockoff) and other roles. Not a well known actor, but memorable to me for that unique voice, and damn this Solicitor General sounds just like him, playing hell with my visualization of the court. Bear in mind, done retroactively, Marco Rubio would not be an American citizen. This is racism, pure and simple. It's a fucking Amendment, Herr Drumph.

Bern's avatar

Not to mention some of the Queens Man's kidz...

SteveB's avatar

It's all ridiculous nonsense, and yet here we are, all the way at the top, the highest court in the land. A thrilling testament to what large amounts of money paid to large amounts of lawyers can do.

LittlePig's avatar

Fortunately now Herr Drumph has pissed off so many lawyers (in addition to the rest of the free world) that he is down to this ShitFerBrains. If only Der Furher realized all his shit will be undone ASAP, assuming he doesn't blow up the world first.

LittlePig's avatar

I know I'd go to jail, but I've love to call Clarence Thomas a "house nigger" to his face, and see what happens. "You up in the big house now, so screw dem farm niggers". Not worth going to jail, I'm truly curious if that has any resonance at all, or that he's just a sociopath like Drumph.

ETA: I got kicked out of Eschathon by Atrios for saying he needed a "low tech lynching" back in Anita Hill hearing days. I stand by my assessment (and fuck a bunch of Atrios with rusty chainsaws)

Michael H Webster's avatar

You really should can the racist crap. I get where you’re coming from but it’s offensive.

Pere Ubu's avatar

"I'm going with 'jerk store'!"

Christ. Dunno why we hate the man. Dad's right, must just be some weird obsession we have. 😮‍💨

I've got a gout attack in my right wrist and that's why I'm not commenting more. Fuck this. I feel like the guy from "Whisperer In The Darkness", the one *SPOILER FOR HUNDRED YEAR OLD STORY* the mi-go hollow out and use as a puppet. Got so many things to do but I can't fucking DO any of them. Even though I'm taking off from work at Dismalco™ I am NOT having fun.

LittlePig's avatar

I must admit yesterday I got those 1969 feelings, which frankly I never thought would happen in my life again. Nothing can match the majesty of a Saturn V takeoff, seeing a skyscraper lift up so very slowly, but damn, not as majestic, but boy howdy damn I got that feeling again, spending days sleeping on the floor in front of the TV during Apollo 11. That's how it is done, you giant bottle rocker launcher Elon Musk. Although I admit, the loss of signal so early on caught me by surprise (and Houston too). "Houston transmitting blind, so and so..." Transmitting blind means you have no earthly (spaceley?) idea if your intended recipient can hear you. The fix? Houston rebooted all systems. May Bill Gates roast in the bowels of Hell, reboot is bad, not something that just happens. Real machines (big iron and small) don't reboot, and fuck Gates for normalizing that shit.

SteveB's avatar

Oooh, that shot of the Saturn 5 lifting off, the letters "USA" crawl slowly past the camera. I don't do that patriotism shit, but damn, that one does get me.

LittlePig's avatar

Patriotism, Schmatiorism. , I make them go up / I don't care where they come down / That's not my department / Says Werhner Von Braun --Tom Lehrer.

Not an American thing, a technology thing, and that partnership still continues even with Russia and China (China with the THIRD OF A MILE wide radio telescope), no, the scientific community it its own country, one of which I very proudly a member (How old were you when you got your first letter from NASA? I was ten, and they very kindly explained to me how slow-scan television works in response to my question of the visuals. Eternal allegiance bought)

Michael H Webster's avatar

I respect the sentiment so many have about transcending our differences to marvel at the cosmos etc, and I get the argument that space exploration leads to a lot of practical discoveries, but all I see in those liftoffs is giant piles of money burning to put whitey back on the moon. And the only explanation I’ve heard for why they are doing it is to beat the Chinese in a race the Chinese aren’t participating in.