A cancer on the ex-Presidency

Someone who is no longer president is scandalously dying and Received Opinion is ON IT

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[A marching band version of the screams of the damned. On the screen behind UPRIGHT: A limited action cartoon of a drooling Joe Biden squinting at the camera, then x’s appearing over his eyes and his hands folding over his chest and clutching a lily, then him turning into skeleton. This transformation cycles. Underneath, the legend SCANDAL: BIDEN IS OLD, on a cycle with the cartoon, gets a slash through OLD, which turns into DYING.]

Huge cuts to Medicaid, DOGE rampaging through the government, ICE arresting citizens and sending them to concentration camps — all of that pales in comparison with the latest Joe Biden Is Old scandal. We recently learned, which is our way of saying that Biden himself told us, that the former president has an aggressive form of cancer. In the old days we’d wish him well, but top Republicans — like President Trump, Vice-President Vance, and the New York Times — insist it’s a major issue for the Democrats, and commentators such as Erick Erickson say it’s worse than January 6 and no, I’m not making that up. Anyway I guess we have to address it.

[UPRIGHT looks offscreen, squints.]

Yeah, I know it’s not in the script. [Pause] Try it, Paul, just try it. You’ll be picking lawyers out of your ass.

[UPRIGHT returns his attention to the camera.]

I can’t think of anyone better equipped to tackle this subject than our Decision Desk experts. Let’s join them.

[Sound of a giant, inartfully applied squeegee scraping a windshield as UPRIGHT strolls to the Decision Desk, where he finds PEONI DOYENNE, wearing a Gabriele Fiorucci Bucciarelli bustier with floral jacket and trousers and white The Row Boheme MJ leather flats; CHAFE DRAMATURGY, wearing a D&D chocolate brown windowpane plaid Irish linen suit with a white shirt, a Silvio Fiorello The Sicans light blue and yellow Duchesse silk tie, and black Keds; and a Tesla Optimus ROBOT wearing a navy blazer, a collarless white shirt, and a brown fedora with a PRESS pass stuck in the hatband.]

Well, Peoni, look at you! Isn’t that jacket a little warm under the lights?

DOYENNE: Maybe a little, Bolt, but ladies you know don’t sweat, they glow. Anyway you’re just trying to get me to show off my décolletage. [Chortles]

UPRIGHT: I don’t think anyone would mind. [Chortles; looks at camera] Peoni and I had a few in the dressing room. [To DOYENNE] So, my dear, what do you make of all this?

DOYENNE: Well, maybe I’m old fashioned, Bolt, but I think in a situation like this Joe Biden should face the nation on live TV and own up to his deception. You know, like Nixon did.

UPRIGHT: You know Biden’s cancer has spread to his bones.

DOYENNE: Which just makes it that much more serious! And if, God forbid, he should pass away before he can make amends, his wife Jill should face the nation on live TV in his place. You know I never liked her.

UPRIGHT: But what would that accomplish, Peoni?

DOYENNE: [Shrugs] Well, it would embarrass the Democrats a little while longer. Oops! Did I say that out loud? [Chortles]

UPRIGHT: Good to hear you laugh again, Peoni. You’ve had such a rough couple of months.

DOYENNE: Yes! ICE keeps arresting my housekeepers. I’m beginning to think the White House doesn’t approve of my columns.

UPRIGHT: Courage, old girl! Now to you, Chafe. [Looks CHAFE over; chuckles; sprechgesangs:] Well, you got trouble my friends! Right here, I say trouble right here in River City!

[CHAFE stares blankly.]

Ah, forget it. Let’s have it, Chafe.

DRAMATURGY: Have it?

UPRIGHT: Your “take.”

DRAMATURGY: Well, certainly the Democrats have a lot of explaining to do, like when did the President know and when did he know it.

UPRIGHT: Ah, you studied Watergate in school!

DRAMATURGY: Water-what?

UPRIGHT: [Scoffs, turns to the ROBOT] OK, so here’s the Optimus robot Elon Musk sent to our network president, presumably to show us all how AI can do our jobs better than we can and without having to pay for kids in college and summers at the Cape, so, come on, Mr. Robot, let’s have your hot robot take.

[Pause. UPRIGHT sighs.]

Your take on former President Joe Biden and his prostate cancer.

[Pause. The ROBOT shudders; its head turns right, then to the front; finally, a weird voice:]

ROBOT: Dems. In disarray.

UPRIGHT: Ah hah. And why are they in disarray, Mr. Robot?

ROBOT: [In the voice of James Carville] The image stuck in people's minds that the Democrats wanted to defund the police, wanted to empty prisons...it created a sense of dishonor.

UPRIGHT: I believe that’s what the lawyers call a non-responsive answer.

[UPRIGHT crouches and says into the side of the ROBOT’s head:]

Robot, listen carefully to me: I —

[The ROBOT’s head snaps toward UPRIGHT, momentarily startling him.]

Everything Chafe tells you is a lie. [Turns to DRAMATURGY, whispers] Say “I am lying.”

CHAFE: [Whispering] Say “Bolt is lying”?

UPRIGHT: [Whispering] No, stupid, say “I am lying.” To the robot!

CHAFE: [Whispering] OK! [Normally, to the ROBOT] Robot, I —

[The ROBOT’s head snaps toward DRAMATURGY, momentarily startling him.]

— I am lying.

[The ROBOT faces front, shudders; then, suddenly, stands and starts dancing frenetically, and wildly swings its arms, knocking DOYENNE off her seat and to the floor. DRAMATURGY screams and flees; UPRIGHT reaches behind the desk, grabs a fire extinguisher, and beats the ROBOT repeatedly with it until the ROBOT has broken into pieces and ceased to move. Pause as UPRIGHT pants, then drops the extinguisher on the disassembled ROBOT.]

UPRIGHT: That’s — that’s what you get.

[PAGES enter, circling, with long pikes, with which they poke the wreckage. UPRIGHT picks up DOYENNE and with difficulty carries her offstage. Transmission ceases, replaced by what in the old days was called “snow,” and the harsh sound of static.]