A glorious victory

The Mushrat County GOP celebrates

[The headquarters of the Mushrat County Republican Party. Dozens of people, talking animatedly amongst themselves, sit in folding chairs facing a platform stage with a podium at the center. MCRP chairman ORV DOODLEY, wearing a grey suit and a red Trump hat, takes the stage to scattered applause and yips.]

DOODLEY: Hi, can you hear me? Alright. Greetings, fellow Mushrat County Republicans! We have been having us a time, haven’t we — knocking back the Democrat Party on everything from so-called “voter rights” to the filibuster to that racist, anti-white, BLM Antifa critical race theory!

[Cheers, cries of “Yahoo!” “Alright!”]

You ain’t teaching that Emmett Till nonsense to my kids! My pappy knew the real truth of that story. And tonight I have some more good news: You remember when the PINO — that’s President In Name Only — Joe Hunter Biden said he was going to get 70% of the country vaccinated by the Fourth of July.

[Boos, cries of “Shame!” “Forbid it, almighty God!” and “Kill! Kill!”]

Well, I just found out that Sleepy Joe ain’t a-gonna make it! Word from the White House is, Biden has admitted — admitted! — that the United States will not reach that goal by July 4!

[Extended cheers, cries of “Kill! Kill!” and “I brung me a rope!”]

And you will be pleased to hear that even the liberal so-called scientists — or what I like to call “scientism-ists,” because what they practice is not science but scientism — are admitting that it’s states like Alabama and Mississippi that are keeping the Democrats from getting America all vaxxed up!

[Cheers, gunfire, shower of shattered ceiling tiles.]

I can think of no one better to share this victory with us tonight than our own Mushrat County Republican Vice-Chairwoman for Anti-Scientism, Henrietta Mudfish! Get on up here, Henny!

[HENRIETTA MUDFISH, about 40, wearing jeans, flip-flops, a TRUMP 2020 t-shirt, a party-store tiara, and a white lab coat ascends the dais and takes to the podium to cheers from audience.]

MUDFISH: Thank you! Thank you! Give yourselves a big round of applause too! And a round of whatever else you brung with you!

[Big cheer. MUDFISH makes declining gesture to someone in front.]

Aw, thanks anyway, Earl — you share that jug with the fellas, I’m workin’ tonight!  Yes, my friends, this is victory for all of us and all of you. The liberals and scientism-ists came at you with everything they had, with their phony stories about the Wuhan flu and how they was gonna stop it with a needle in your arm!

[Boos.]

My friends, it has been a long, long struggle. They tried to tell us the bad was good —like with fluoride in the water and sex education. They tried to tell us the good was bad — like with thalidomide and cyclamates. Thank God my mama stocked up on Tab afore they banned it, or I’da lost my girlish figure!

[Laughter.]

And for decades they been tellin’ us you can poke a needle in your body and it’ll make you better! But we stood up to ‘em! Why, I ain’t ever had a shot o’ nothin’ in my life ‘cept bourbon whiskey an’ I’m fit as a fiddle!

[Cheers, hoots.]

And they hated us for it, oh how they hated, they throwed everythin’ they had at us. Tellin’ people my cousin Ezraham had Wuhan flu! When it was chilblains plain as day, a child would know it. That boy was always poorly an’ when the chilblains tuck him off, like they done to his granpappy, thet government doctor tried to tell me it was this Chinese virus, and I should git me a shot, but I said, GET THEE BEHIND ME SCIENTISM!  

[Big cheers, hollering, gunfire.]

But people are startin’ to come ‘round! In the states where people know that Donald Trump is still the President —

[Two-minute spontaneous demonstration.]

Thank you. In states like ours and Texas and Florida and Louisiana, they ain’t gettin’ no shots. And I tell you what: When they come at us with these new fake diseases, these what they call variations, you watch — them liberals is a-gonna get sick from the poisons and microchips they’s puttin’ in their bodies along with the heroin and crack they love so much, but you and me and everyone in this room will be saved by the grace of God and we will prevail! Thank you, and God bless America!

[MUDFISH leaves the rostrum to cheers and gunfire. CURTAIN.]