A little genocide coverage, as a treat

Don't blow your window, Gaza!

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Sound of tone clusters roasting in hell. On the screen behind UPRIGHT: A limited action cartoon loop showing a starving Palestinian child surrounded by a huge gaggle of news cameramen; the child begs for food, receives none, and expires; a push broom emerges from the gaggle and shoves the corpse away, whereupon a new starving Palestinian child is dropped in and photographed.]

UPRIGHT: It’s the hottest trend since the Gen Z stare: American media discovering mass starvation in Gaza. Only a few weeks ago, noticing these waves of death was socially awkward, and could cost you your rizz or your job or your Columbia diploma. But now everyone’s talking about it.

[Headlines appear in the background as UPRIGHT cites them.]

Some call Israel’s blockade of food after its relentless bombing of Gaza “genocide” — like the New York Times op-ed that started the craze. Some deny Israel is committing genocide — like the New York Times columnist Bret Stephens. And may I say, as an old newsman, it’s this devotion to engaging both sides of the story, even when it involves starving children, that makes the Times a touchstone for American journalism.

[In background, documentary footage of the famine and horror.]

One thing’s for sure though – U.S. news outlets are running reports of the nightmarish hellscape like they were Al Jazeera. Some have even covered Israeli snipers picking off Gazans waiting for food — though that was PBS, who I guess feel they have nothing left to lose. At the same time, even stalwart defenders of Israel like House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries have called for an end to the civilian slaughter. And with the…

VOICE: Now, hold on, Bolt, that’s not quite what I said.

UPRIGHT: Ah, it so happens we have Leader Jeffries in our studio right now. Let’s talk to him.

[UPRIGHT sidles over to a small table at which JEFFRIES is seated. Standing behind JEFFRIES is a short man in a grey suit with his hands behind his back.]

Now, sir, I was reading from your press release —

JEFFRIES: Well, you were incomplete. I said it was “imperative that humanitarian aid be surged into Gaza immediately, the remaining Israeli hostages be released and the ceasefire negotiated by the Biden administration restored.”

UPRIGHT: All right, but what about these starving children that everyone’s so concerned with now? The humanitarian groups say Israel isn’t letting the food in.

JEFFRIES: Obviously we have to do much more to get food to these people –

[The grey-suited man takes a stick out from behind his back and pokes JEFFRIES with it.]

— and Israel is doing just that! They’re making airdrops as we speak.

UPRIGHT: Leader Jeffries, who’s your friend here who’s poking you with a stick?

JEFFRIES: Nobody. That’s Steve, he’s from AIPAC and he’s been very helpful on this issue.

UPRIGHT: Well, let me ask you, Leader Jeffries, it seems young Democrats are less sympathetic to Israel’s position on Palestine than Democrats of your generation.

JEFFRIES: Ha ha hey, Bolt, c’mon, I’m not that old.

UPRIGHT: With candidates like Zohran Mamdani winning over these voters —

“STEVE”: I’ll handle this. [He leans in, speaks to UPRIGHT] Zohran Mamdani, like the notorious antisemite Bernie Sanders, is a spreader of the blood libel, and will be dealt with.

UPRIGHT: Leader Jeffries, is this your opinion on the matter?

JEFFRIES: I — that is — we will respond in a time, place, and manner of our choosing. But the response will be continuous and it will meet the moment that is required.

[Beat.]

UPRIGHT: Uh… OK. Thank you, Leader Jeffries, and Steve. And now on to our Decision Desk.

[Accompanied by the amplified screams of tortured mice, UPRIGHT goes to the Decision Desk and greets PEONI DOYENNE in an olive Brunello Cucinelli pleated silk dress, a David Webb platinum and gold, turquoise and diamond necklace, and black Manolo Blahnik calf leather crossover flat sandals; and CHAFE DRAMATURGY, in a Brunello Cucinelli white linen suit with blue stripes, a braided brown leather belt, a white button-down shirt open at the neck, and cream Adieu Wallabe platform boat shoes.]

UPRIGHT: Peoni! Good God. Where are we going for drinks?

DOYENNE: [Chuckling] I’m afraid you wouldn’t be comfortable, ducks — some of my tycoon friends disapprove of your tone.

UPRIGHT: That’s OK, I’ll just ride around in Chafe’s ice cream truck.

[UPRIGHT and DOYENNE laugh.]

We may as well start with you, Peoni. Did you see this Gaza thing coming?

DOYENNE: To tell the truth, I hadn’t been watching it — I always thought of Gaza as a made-up place, like Narnia. Obviously things are out of hand there — or would it be antisemitic of me to say so?

DRAMATURGY: Not when you consider they’ve brought it on themselves, Peoni. Hamas still has hostages, after all.

DOYENNE: Well, I will say this — when you have starving children on TV, you can be sure of two things: one, Americans will get very upset until the President assures them everything will be all right. I assume our current president hasn’t done that.

UPRIGHT: As a matter of fact President Trump claimed in a meeting with the European Commission president that he’d sent them money and said they should say thank you.

DOYENNE: Yes. Well. The second thing is, after a while the press gets tired of it and the people get tired of it and then they focus on something else. I understand everyone’s talking about Taylor Swift’s adorable new baby!

UPRIGHT: Well, they’re talking about it but she hasn’t had one yet.

DOYENNE: Oh. Well, why hasn’t she? What is it with young people these days, with their stares and their not answering the phone properly? Is that nice young football star shooting blanks? And, see? Already we’re talking about something else!

UPRIGHT: That we are. [To the camera] When we come back, we’ll be joined, I’m told, by Steve from AIPAC, who’ll explain to us why most American Jews are antisemitic. Should be interesting, and Steve, if you’re listening, if you try that thing with the stick on me you’ll be shitting splinters for a week.

[Camera whirls into a vortex. Music: Penderecki “Hava Nagila.”]