A new broom

Somebody's gotta take the fall

[The Oval Office. TRUMP is at the Resolute Desk, playing with his phone — not holding it in his hand, but poking it with his fingers as it sits on the blotter. To one side of the desk is his bowl of The Formula, with a mirror, a straw, and a razor. Nearby, some magazines. Propped against a nearby wall is a fellow wearing a Trump suit but with wild hair and a long, unkempt beard; he slouches with his hands in his pockets and has a faraway look. The office door opens and Secretary of Defense PETE HEGSETH struts in; he wears a blue suit, white shirt, gold and blue striped tie, and battle ribbons on his chest pocket.]

HEGSETH: Well, sir, that was just the greatest success of all time. Am I right, sir?

[TRUMP pokes his phone for a few more seconds, then grabs a paperweight from his desk and hurls it at HEGSETH — but it falls a few feet short.]

TRUMP: Pick it up.

[HEGSETH does so, steps forward, and puts the paperweight on the desk. TRUMP grabs it and hurls it again, but notwithstanding HEGSETH’s proximity it still falls short.]

TRUMP: Fuck! Again!

[TRUMP points and jabs at the paperweight on the floor. HEGSETH picks it up, stands right at the edge of the desk and places the paperweight on it. TRUMP hurls it again; it weakly strikes HEGSETH’s chest, falls onto the desk, and smashes TRUMP’s phone.]

FUCK!

[TRUMP sweeps the phone off the desk.]

You fucker, you fucked me! You fucked me!

HEGSETH: Sir, it was a great success! You saw Fox News! You saw One News Nation! Everyone loved it, the entire country —

TRUMP: HEY! I go out there, I expect applause. BIG applause. Lotta that oo-rah you soldier boys like to do. Oo-rah! Oo-rah! And the other noise, what is it —

[TRUMP makes a weak, shrill sound, perhaps emulating a Rebel Yell.]

That! Like that! But they just sit there! Buncha mooks! I told ‘em I’d fire ‘em. I almost did, I shoulda! Buncha derelicts, derelict of duty! And some of them was boons. I thought you got rid of the boons.

HEGSETH: Working on it, sir. Just have to teach some of the white generals first, you know, how to do the things the black ones are doing, but so poorly, you know, sir, for example what the European theater is and so forth.

TRUMP: What? Theater? Like Cats? OK, next I’m gonna get rid of the fags.

HEGSETH: Of course, sir.

TRUMP: I was being nice about it because of the girl, you know, she said [simpering voice] Daddy be nice to the LG-BLT. [Glumly] But she don’t come around anymore.

[TRUMP grabs a straw and does a line.]

No. She goes around with her high-class friends. I texted her, I said dump that ostrich, go see Tom Brady, I got an in, he’ll marry you in a second. Good looking guy. Athletic. You think she listens? No, so he goes with that Giselle. And what’s my girl do?

[TRUMP grabs and waves a magazine, drops it in disgust.]

“Daring bathroom shellfish.” So goodbye LG-LMNOP. Only straight guys, butch and beefcake in the Army, and the Navy and Marines and the other ones.

HEGSETH: Absolutely, sir. That was exactly the message I brought to the —

TRUMP: Message, fuck your message!

[TRUMP starts to stand up, falters, knocks some magazines and papers off the desk; half-standing, he sweeps up some Formula with his fingers, snorts it, rubs the rest on his gums, then pushes himself upright.]

You were supposed to warm up the crowd! What the fuck. You know. You been to Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, the, the other shows, you know the guy comes out first and he gets some laughs, not big laughs, understand, just little laughs enough so he gets them in a laughing mood, and then he goes OK here comes the headliner and they go nuts! But you go out and bomb! No laughs, no applause, no oorah! They look at you like a fat turd fell out of a tall cow’s ass! I come out and what happens? They don’t even know what the fuck to do!

[TRUMP turns to the hairy man.]

Bruno, go get the guy, chop chop.

[In no apparent hurry, BRUNO pushes off the wall and saunters out of the office. TRUMP gestures to him.]

There, you see? That’s how you do it. The big man gives and order and you do it. That’s all! You don’t have to kiss ass and wave your arms around and act like you’re fuckin’ Regis Philbin of the fuckin’ Joey Bishop show. Regis did OK later, don’t get me wrong, but you, ya fuckin’ yutz, ya act all glad-hand but you don’t deliver the goods.

[The hairy guy comes in with a chubby guy in a shiny charcoal grey 60s-style single-breasted suit, white shirt, skinny tie, and black plastic glasses. He carries an unlit cigar. The hairy guy goes back to his original position and attitude, leaving the 60s guy standing near HEGSETH.]

Here we go! This is the guy. This is Jack E. Leonard. A real pro.

LEONARD: [To HEGSETH, in the manner of the actual ‘60s comedian] Gimme a little room, will ya, son, you’re gettin’ Brylcreem on my jacket.

TRUMP: That’s the stuff.

LEONARD: Thank you, thank you very much.

HEGSETH: Sir, my parents used to watch Jack E. Leonard. Now, this man is much too young to —

TRUMP: Hey, we got it all figured out [To BRUNO] Right, Bruno?

[BRUNO nods, makes a creaking noise.]

[To HEGSETH] We used some of that medbed stuff which is like magic, also technology, to sorta clone the guy, so this is Jack E., only instead of dead he’s in the pink. Isn’t that right, Jack?

LEONARD: [Gesturing toward HEGSETH] Well I gotta say if I died like this bum did Tuesday morning I’d stay dead, know what I’m saying, folks.

TRUMP: If I was able to laugh I’d be pissing myself. Well, I’m pissing myself anyway, so.

LEONARD: That’s very good, Mr. President, very good. I can see my comedy has rubbed off on you. [To HEGSETH] Speaking of rubbing off, why don’t you rub off, son? That what we call in the trade a euphemism, folks.

TRUMP: Got you there, Pete.

[TRUMP gets a straw and does some more Formula.]

HEGSETH: [To TRUMP] Sir, I don’t understand. Do you seriously mean you’re going to replace me as War Secretary with this — this celebrity impersonator?

LEONARD: Lemme tell ya, I impersonate a celebrity better than you impersonate a Secretary of War. [Pulls some bills out of his pocket, hands them to HEGSETH] Here’s cab fare to Union Station, son, there’s a train back to Palookaville in twenty minutes.

[HEGSETH starts to strangle LEONARD; BRUNO leaps onto HEGSETH and pins him to the floor; HEGSETH howls in pain; LEONARD ostentatiously dusts himself off.]

LEONARD: Some people can’t take a little constructive criticism, lemme tell ya.

[BRUNO drags the injured, screaming HEGSETH out of the office.]

TRUMP: So Jack E., I’m gonna need you to do 15 minutes for when I get the generals to do the, whatchamacallit, like the Hitler Oath except for me.

LEONARD: Excuse me, sir, did you say Adolf Hitler?

TRUMP: Yeah.

LEONARD: Because you know I’m Jewish, sir, I mean I’m very observant, a real Yiddishe kopf.

TRUMP: Oh. So you won’t do it?

LEONARD: Tell ya what, Mr. President, just make sure it’s not a Saturday and we’re in business, know what I mean.

[TRUMP looks at the camera and mouths, “I love this guy.”]