A Paid Political Announcement

[Dynamic music, inspirational montages throughout]

Good evening, California Republicans. My name is Caitlyn Jenner and my dream is to become your next governor and to save the state we all love.

You know as well as I do that the elites have let California down. They have brought crime and drugs and homelessness to the Golden State, and that elitist crime and drugs and homelessness has left us locked in our homes, hiding from the world, and hiding from each other. It’s almost as if some kind of virus has descended on California. And it has — the virus of elitism.

I want to bring back the California of Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Like them, I am a celebrity — and like them, I’m a celebrity with a dream of a better life.

When elitist politicians battered this state with high taxes and progressive ideas, driving out job-creating companies like Hewlett-Packard and Enron, and driving away the citizens whose contracting businesses, golf resorts, and, yes, private jet hangars make California what it is, it was celebrities — not woke Democrat celebrities who try to '“cancel” our dreams, but Republican celebrities — who stood up for the people of California and made it a place people in America’s red states would stop calling filthy names and could love and believe in again.

I am new to the California Republican Party, and I know some of you have misgivings about my candidacy. But my dreams are your dreams, and my beliefs are your beliefs. And to show how deeply committed to this Party and to the Republican future of California I am, I make this pledge: If you want to call me “he” or “him,” or even “Bruce,” I won’t get mad. In fact, I’ll let you in on a little secret: Despite the rumors you may have heard, I still have my penis. Like most California Republicans, I am a biological man. My doctor has sent a letter to the State Republican Committee confirming this fact.

And though I call myself Caitlyn and wear women’s clothes, I condemn the so-called “trans rights” movement, and as governor I will sign laws forbidding biological males, like me, from participating in women’s sports or using their restrooms. That’s how serious I am about this nomination, and about the future of California.