A walk in the White House

"...they look at me and they think, what the fuck"

[The music from Oliver Stone’s Nixon, only instead of Anthony Hopkins talking to the White House portrait of Kennedy, it’s DONALD TRUMP in some kind of ridiculously fluffy white robe with gold trim, a hairnet, and crocodile skin slippers, waddling the halls late at night and, between coughing fits, looking at various Presidential portraits. He stops in front of the portrait of JEFFERSON.]

TRUMP: Hey, how ya doin’. Mr. Declaration Independence. Louisiana Purchase. They told me you, you really stomped the, the Federals, this was back when the Democrats were big, yeah you beat ‘em so bad they went away, which, like I’m doing to the Democrats now, actually, no offense.

[Coughing fit.]

You wouldn’t recognize them anyway, the Democrats. They got spooks running the whole thing now, they even had a spook president. I heard about that Sally Simpson, so, but you know I don’t go for the brown sugar, gives you a taint, my old man said. But to each his own. They give you a nice gazebo out there on the Tidy Bowl, so you did okay.

[TRUMP takes out an inhaler of "formula," snorts some, lumbers to a portrait of ANDREW JACKSON.]

Okay, you’re the guy the ugly bitch with the cowboy boots said was just like me. Good hair! Also I heard you killed the injuns. See, this is what they don’t understand, if you kill the fuckin’ injuns then they respect you. I mean who gives a shit, because who was the one that was nice to injuns —

[Coughing, wheezing fit.]

I don’t even remember, which proves my point. Wait! Will Rogers. They say he was a great president but where’s the statues? Huh? No, fuck that, you gotta kill the injuns or the Mexicans or whoever you can kill, you know that. You look like you know that. I’d touch up the grey though. I guess they didn’t have Just for Men back in those days. Anyway, good for his time.

[TRUMP lumbers to a portrait of Abraham Lincoln.]

Pass. You freed the nig-nogs. Made all the trouble.

[Wheezing, hacking fit; TRUMP snorts more formula]

One day I’m gonna get tell these fucking retards the truth, and they’re gonna drop your ass so fast you big fuckin’ loser, got shot. You see they got their confederate flags back? I did that. I — wait a minute, that was you, too! It wasn’t Mister Rogers, it was you, you were the one they said was good to the injuns only it wasn’t the injuns, it was the niggers. Boy, you fucked it all up for us, buddy, with that shit, but you know what, we're comin’ back, so fuck you. Fuck you.

[TRUMP lumbers to a portrait of TEDDY ROOSEVELT.]

Ooh, now here’s a tough customer. I hear you were plenty tough. A sheriff or somethin’. Shot animals. My kids, pfffff, they shoot animals, but it’s disgusting, they use military guns like cannons like a couple of retards, shoot up the whole jungle to get one lion. You used pistols, right? Maybe a skinny rifle. But you —

[Wheezing, hacking fit.]

Yeah, but you fucked up, too, ‘cause you did this progressive shit. You and your crippled brother or son or whatever the fuck, you let these little shits have pensions and social security and Medicare, what the fuck was that shit? You don’t give a shit about me and the guys who have to get these losers to give it up. You see what I —

[Huge bronchial coughs; TRUMP falls to his knees, pulls a packet out of his robe, rips it open with his teeth, throws the contents at his nostrils and snorts; his face is now covered in fine white powder.]

Goddamn fuck! Shit!

[He painfully gets to his feet, pants, wipes his brow with his sleeve.]

Hey Roosevelt, suck my dick, you hear me, you shit, you’re dead and I’m alive, you hear me? I’m ali—

[Absolutely massive, rumbling deep-lung full-body-shaking spasms; TRUMP falls to the ground and is swimming forward on the carpet, eyes bulging. We glimpse SECRET SERVICE AGENTS peeping at him from lit doorways, then retreating and shutting the doors. Gasping now, as in a deathbed scene:]

Goddamnit! Why didn’t I pay attention in history class! I wanna talk to the, to the loser presidents, like the guys with the muttonchops, ask ‘em, hey, how’d you fuck up and what do I do not to fuck up? Because I —

[Out of the darkness Presidential advisor/Nazi STEPHEN MILLER runs in and falls beside TRUMP, touching his forehead to the carpet.]

MILLER: My liege! I am at your service!

TRUMP: Steve, ya goofy Nazi bastard! You shouldn’t be here, I heard you got the COVID. Not that I know anything about it.

MILLER: Lies! There is no plague in Washington! Filthy lies told by the Media Jews!

TRUMP: Yeah, well, something’s not right, lemme tell ya.

MILLER: Mr. President, I have the answer!

[MILLER rises and pulls TRUMP to his feet.]

Walk with me, Mr. President! To the end of this hall!

TRUMP: [Wincing] There better be a nice piece of cake there, or maybe a blowjob.

[MILLER drags TRUMP to a new portrait at the end of the hall, which is of ADOLF HITLER.]

MILLER: Gaze upon it, sir! Your brother in Valhalla!

TRUMP: Holy fuck! My old man had one just like it! Oh, man, it gives me the old pep. I feel like a new —

[30-second coughing fit like a combination avalanche and earthquake.]

— like a new man.

[Lowers himself back to the floor.]

C’mon Steve, you know, I’m not a praying man, I mean I don’t believe in God for one thing, that’s for suckers and feebs, but I feel like going blah blah blah on the ground because it feels good and you’re as close as I’m gonna get to Henry Kissinger.

MILLER: Yes, my Führer! Let us invoke Wotan!

TRUMP: Sure, great.

[TRUMP falls asleep, snores, as MILLER exults and the CURTAIN falls.]