About to put the hammer down
[The Throne Room at Mar-a-Lago. As usual, men in dark suits and sunglasses patrol the periphery. DONALD TRUMP is dressed in what looks at first glance like a janitor’s outfit — Dickies coveralls and a bill cap. But the hat, it becomes apparent, is a Von Dutch “trucker hat,” and the coveralls are made of silk and have an Izod gator on the left breast. Also he is wearing alligator slippers. TRUMP is sitting on the bench in front of the throne with former Trump Acting Secretary of Homeland Security CHAD WOLF, who wears a normal grey suit.]
WOLF: Sir, I’m willing to take the test but to be honest, I’ve never even driven a stickshift, I might not pass.
TRUMP: You’ll pass. I got it fixed. Your eyesight’s good, right?
TRUMP: We got a guy who’ll give you the commercial license, and we also have your truck, what the fellas call a rig. It’s beautiful, it’s the biggest one they got, nothing you can’t handle though, with a big American flag on the front, the grille, and on the hood of what they call the cab, a humongous Make American Great Again hat. And at night it lights up, blood red.
WOLF: Sounds spectacular, sir.
TRUMP: It’s absolutely fantastic. Think about it. There’ll be a thousand, ten thousand trucks right behind you, all blowin’ their horns and raisin’ hell, and you’ll be right up front, like whatshisname, Kris Kristofferson in Convoy. You know you have a strong resemblance to him. Let me ask you, Chad, what do you look like without your shirt on?
WOLF: You remember, sir. You had me take my shirt off during the, the last days in the White House. You said you wanted to see if I was loyal. Also you said I looked like a chicken that was puked up by a bear, I think those were your words.
TRUMP: Huh, must have been mad at you.
WOLF: Sir, you have so many contacts in the, uh, trades, shipping and transportation and so forth, I wonder if I’m really the best man for the job.
TRUMP: See, now you sound like you don’t want to do it.
WOLF: Oh, I do, sir, but I’m not really skilled in —
TRUMP: Chad. You saw what that judge said about you, right? When she said they had to let the beaners in?
WOLF: I saw the decision, yes.
TRUMP: Fucking bitch said you weren’t even the real Secretary of Homeland Security. Can you believe that. And how do you think that makes me feel? Never mind you. She basically said it didn’t matter what I said. So now we’re gonna show ‘em. They got their own Homeland Security now, some injun squaw, wait’ll they get a load —
TRUMP: — wait’ll they get a load of my Secretary of Homeland Security ridin’ down the highway, lookin’ for adventure, smashing into toll booths, yelling, fuck Joe Biden, mercy sakes good buddy, yeah, we got us a convoy! Con-voy! Pigpen this is the duck, the rubber duck! We got us a convoy! Con-voy! Let me hear you say it, Chad!
TRUMP: Louder, dammit, like you’re on the CB! CON-VOY!
TRUMP: WE GOT US A CONVOY!
WOLF: WE GOT US A CONVOY!
TRUMP: MERCY SAKES!
WOLF: MERCY SAKES!
TRUMP: Oh yeah, Chad, forgot to tell you — fuckface here is riding with you. He’s gonna keep the Saudis in the loop.
KUSHNER: Howdy, Chad. Guess I’m ridin’ bitch!
TRUMP: [Straight into the camera as it zooms in] Hey Canada — Take off, ya hoseheads!
[Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In sting. BLACKOUT.]