Always Leave ‘Em Laughing

Taking it on the road

[Gary’s G Spot outside Columbus, Ohio, a crummy little comedy club on a weekday night. A couple dozen people scattered among small tables out front. Shallow stage, brick back wall. Hot spotlight on the mic stand, warm fill lights. Soft between-acts music, interrupted by the ANNOUNCER:]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, before we get to the open-mic portion of the evening, we have a special treat. You know sometimes the big acts like to break in new material here at Gary’s G Spot unannounced. Some of you remember Sinbad worked it out on our stage before his Nothin’ But The Funk tour.

GUY IN THE BACK: AWRIGHT SINBAD.

ANNOUNCER: But tonight one of the biggest acts of all time is here to get ready for the tour of his life — the Make America Great Again tour — so please give it up for the former and future President of the United States, Donald J. Trump!

[Wild shrieks and cheers. TRUMP, dressed in his usual suit and tie, lumbers onto the stage, doing the old prizefighter “shaking hands with myself” thing. Some SECRET SERVICE AGENTS materialize at the edges of the stage and in the audience. After a while TRUMP gets to the mic.]

TRUMP: How ya doin’, alright? [Cheers] OK, good to see ya, now ya gotta put away your cell phones, OK, because these fellas here mean business. OK.

[SECRET SERVICE AGENTS go through the crowd, making them put away phones. Someone in the back boos; a couple of AGENTS grab him and drag him away.]

Yeah, see, that’s what happens. Don’t let this one guy spoil the party, folks, OK, relax, have a couple drinks. How about this, drinks are on me, OK?

[Some cheers, applause. TRUMP waves at the bar.]

Don’t worry, you know I’m good for it. That’s sorta my first joke. OK, never mind, drink up ‘cause I want you all comfortable and happy, I can tell you’re my kinda people —

[Shades his eyes.]

— because you don’t have to smile so I can see where you’re at. [Small pause] You don’t know that one either, OK. Gary’s Clam House, thanks for having me. [Cocks ear] What’s that? G Spot? Sorry, this is the ear I got shot in. [Cocks the other ear] Or was it this one? I forget. Somebody laughed! Good, God love ya, have a good time. [To the bar] Get ‘em some mozzarella sticks, too. [To the audience] I know it’s Ohio, maybe you don’t know what mozzarella is. It’s when a guinea blows his nose on a piece of bread. I kid, I kid. So hey how about this Ka-MEH-la Harris, huh?

[Scattered boos.]

What a palooka, a commie palooka. No good. I was gonna say what a hoor but I’m not supposed to say —

[Some big laughs.]

But you’re friends, I can say it. A HOOR. A BIG HOOR.

[Applause.]

Feels good to say it, right?

[Points to someone in the audience.]

You, sir, you’re here with your, what, wife, girlfriend?

[Pause to pretend to listen.]

Girlfriend he says. Left the wife home, hah? So tell me, this girl you’re with, she suck your cock?

[Pause.]

You don’t have to think about that one, come on!

[TRUMP looks around the audience.]

Who sucks cock here? Show of hands. Oh, girl over there, you suck cock, yeah? My kinda girl! What? Oh, just waving to a friend, sure, go with that, ya hoor.

[A little ruckus in the back.]

Because you know, I was gonna say, if you suck a good dick you can grow up to be president if you’re a Democrat. There, that’s my joke, feel free to spread it around.

[The ruckus in the back gets louder; AGENTS swarm.]

Hey, look, buddy, I can’t help it if your girl’s a hoor.

[The AGENTS pounce. Sounds of smashing furniture, breaking glass. Screams. Audience focus is now mostly on this.]

Whoops.

[Audience standing and making for the exits. TRUMP reaches in his jacket pocket, takes out a little pouch, tears it with his teeth, sprays some red goo on his face. Holds up a hand. Loud, into the mic:]

Hello?

[TRUMP raises a fist.]

What! Nobody? Come on! I was like JFK for Crissakes! Ya fucking millennials, don’t know nothin’. Eat shit!

[TRUMP starts to walk off — is confronted by J.D. VANCE who is barefoot, wearing overalls and a big black hillbilly hat and carrying a banjo.]

Not now!

VANCE: But these are my people!

[TRUMP shoves him off the stage and leaves. Sirens in the distance, getting closer.]

ANNOUNCER: Looks like we’re closing early, folks. Thanks for joining this historic event. Join us tomorrow when we host the Josh Mandel Bitch Set Me Up tour. Thanks for coming to Gary’s G Spot!