Another glorious victory

Buh-lieve me

[White House Diplomatic Reception Room. TRUMP is at a podium in front of an array of flags; he has chairs on either side of him, with a freckled-faced boy, STINKY, in Buster Browns, short pants, white shirt, and newsboy cap on the chair at right, and a parrot, SAILOR, on the chair at left. Standing nearby, with their hands crossed in front of their crotches and resigned looks on their faces, are half a dozen GENERALS.]

TRUMP: Okay, let’s go. Last night, U.S. Special Operations forces located and killed the new ISIS commander, Alky Ishkabibble, better known as the All-Time Worst Bad Guy and the Butcher of Damascus. While he was alive, Ishkabibble was the most notorious, disgusting terrorist in the history of terrorism, killing and raping and just terrorizing very badly, a disgrace. Many people didn’t know that, because it was a big secret, but nothing gets past me, and I told my generals, I said generals, we gotta get this Ishkabbible, but they didn’t know! They didn’t know, they’d say, Ishkabibble, sir? We never heard of him. And I said well you better hear of him and hear of him quick! And so we tracked him down to his cave in — in Palmyra, isn’t that right, Generals?

[A couple of GENERALS shrug; one, who has been trying to sneak out, rushes back into place; one nods and mouths “Palmyra.”]

TRUMP: Right, Palmyra. We caught Ishkabbible with his harem of slave girls, beautiful girls, young and innocent, and he was using them as a human shield, he had them stuck to him with duct tape because he was a coward and a pervert, but our terrific Special Operations forces managed to separate him from the girls with the help of this little hero, here —

[Gestures to STINKY.]

— Little Bobby Smith, his friends call him Stinky. Cute, right? Don’t worry, he doesn’t really stink. It’s a thing kids do. He smells terrific actually. Anyway Stinky was with a platoon of our boys, sort of a mascot, you know, cracking wise, playing the harmonica. And Stinky has a pet — this little rascal here —

[Gestures to SAILOR.]

— this parrot, Sailor they call him, who likes to fly around and see what's going on out there in the desert, and one day he saw Ishkabibble and he thought, I gotta tell Stinky, and he raced back and told Stinky and he told the soldiers, they called us, and that’s how we got Ishkabbible. And he died like a dog, like a dirty, filthy animal, writhing around on the floor like this — [laces fingers together, makes sad face] — crying and begging, “Please, please don’t kill me, I want to go to America where the Democrats will set me free so I can rape and kill some more and then make illegal votes.” But we separated the girls and shot him up very thoroughly and now ISIS is once again defeated by me. Okay, I’ll take some questions.

[TRUMP points.]

REPORTER: Sir, isn’t Palmyra an ancient ruined city where nobody lives? Where could Ishkabbible hide in such a place?

TRUMP: There are a few people there, actually, and they were being very terrorized by the Butcher, as we call him, so they kept a low profile, which is why it looks empty. But with the Butcher out of the way I think you’ll see more and more of them, walking around and enjoying the sights. [Points]

REPORTER: Sir, are you saying that the parrot recognized Ishkabibble and told Stinky he was there? How did the parrot know who he was, and how did he tell the boy who he was?

TRUMP: A lot of people don’t know that parrots can talk. [Turns to SAILOR] Sailor, tell the people how you did it. Come on, Sailor.

[A long pause. One GENERAL makes a break for it.]

He was talking his head off before you got here. I think you make him nervous. Stinky, get Sailor to talk.

STINKY: Sailor! Whattaya know!

SAILOR: Awwwwwwwwk. Pretty bird!

TRUMP: We have a tape of Sailor talking about the mission which I believe we sent to some of you. [Points] Maggie.

REPORTER: I’m sorry, was that video supposed to be the parrot talking? I thought it was a voiceover. For one thing it sounded like your wife Melania and half the time the parrot’s beak wasn’t moving.

TRUMP: That’s how parrots talk, nothing moves. They’re like ventriloquists. Except incredibly good, really tremendous ventriloquists.

REPORTER: Mr. President, last week ISIS announced that al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi was their new leader, now you’re saying a person totally unknown to the intelligence community with the same name as a 1940s comedian was their leader, exactly what evidence do you have that this was the man you say he is?

TRUMP: This is why we don’t do press conferences anymore! But you don’t have to take it from me, you can just ask the generals here —

[TRUMP gestures toward where they were but all of the generals have sneaked away. He flaps his arms like Jimmy Durante.]

Everybody’s part of the Deep State! Sailor, go shit on their heads!

[TRUMP stalks off as the CURTAIN falls.]