Backscratchers

The AG makes a drop

© 2019 U.S. Department of Justice

[The Presidential ballroom at the Trump Hotel in Washington. This is the birthday party for which Attorney General BILL BARR paid Trump $30,000. Though planned for 200 people, there are only a handful of guests, seen as silhouettes in the purple-pink light, along with the waiters and the band, which plays Chuck Mangione’s “Rise,” not too loud. The guests wander the vast space; a few dance. Some children dash around. BARR sits on a stool at one of the service bars, playing with his phone as the BARTENDER, a willowy twink who’s not into it, stands by.]

BARTENDER: Another Diet Sprite, Mr. Attorney General?

BARR: No thanks.

BARTENDER: Would you like some food? I can have someone go to the buffet.

BARR: Listen, I appreciate it, but I'm fine.

[BARR clacks on his phone again, then sets it aside, addresses the BARTENDER.]

I’m actually not a party person. I don’t go in for a lot of fuss and bother, I’m just happy that my friends and family are having a good time.

BARTENDER: Okay.

BARR: I used to be. I grew up in New York, you know. I was there in the early 70s, and it was just brutal. But there was some very vivid nightlife. This was before Studio 54, before disco. You ever hear of Club 82?

BARTENDER: I don’t think so.

BARR: You went, but mainly to look, you know, to see what that world was like. I didn’t envy them. I knew something was going to happen. This was just before AIDS. There’s been great progress since then, but those were scary times.

[BARR finishes his drink.]

I believe I will have another Diet Sprite.

BARTENDER: Very good.

[He pours.]

BARR: I came to D.C. and never looked back. At one point I was offered a chance to join Rudy in the Southern District. I thought about it. My career was on a trajectory then and I would have been ill-advised to interrupt it. You see how that played out. We all make our choices and we live with them. Still. Are you from Washington?

BARTENDER: Stratford, Connecticut.

BARR: Don’t know it.

BARTENDER: [Unenthusiastically] Great place to be from.

BARR: It’s strange where one finds oneself, and how one finds oneself there. Is it your ambition to be a bartender — [Reading the BARTENDER’s nametag] Cody?

BARTENDER: Actually I’ve been doing some acting and I plan to go to New York as soon as I have enough money and work on it there.

BARR: The money’s the hard part, isn’t it? I’ve always had enough but I’ve known people who suffered from the lack for it and it’s no joke. And when you have money you have to know what to do with it.

BARTENDER: Oh, I’d know what to do with it, alright.

[BARR chuckles quietly.]

Really, just try me.

BARR: Of course. Because you’re poor. For you everything is need. When you have money, you learn to use it strategically. For example: You work for a catering firm, right?

BARTENDER: Uh huh.

BARR: Maybe sometimes a bunch of you, you know, maybe you get together and chip in and on occasion give your boss something, like when you’re having a good year, or reached some milestone, or at Christmas.

BARTENDER: We don’t actually do that.

BARR: But you’ve seen people do that, or heard of it.

BARTENDER: [Vaguely] I think I know what you mean.

BARR: See, you spend a little money strategically, and it can lead to opportunities. Even if you think you’ve reached the pinnacle of your profession, there are always new worlds to conquer. Maybe in other countries. Maybe big changes are coming. There is a tide in the affairs of men/ Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;/ Omitted, all the voyage of their life/Is bound...

[Something is buzzing in BARR’s pocket. He pulls out his phone.]

Barr. [Pause. Then, cheerfully] Yes, Mr. President, how are you? Why thank you, sir. That means a great deal. Oh yes, we’re having a great time. Christine is mingling and the girls are in and out. [Pause.] The girls are my daughters, sir. [Pause. Laughs] No, it’s not that kind of party. [Pause.] Well, you know what they say. When you want the best, get Trump. Everything’s just wonderful, best I’ve ever seen, and I’m just so grateful at how beautifully you set it up. [Pause.] On my phone? Let me check, sir. [BARR looks at his phone.] I don’t see it, sir, but I’m sure it’s coming. [Pause.] Russian lessons! Well, it’s been a while since I studied languages, sir, but I’ll certainly throw myself into it. You never know when it’ll come in handy. [Pause.] And the Hillary investigation, yes sir. [Pause.] I understand, sir, I appreciate it, and I wish you a good night. Thanks again for everything you’ve done. Goodnight.

[BARR disengages. To BARTENDER:]

Guess who that was.

BARTENDER: Trump?

BARR: The one and only.

[BARR gets off his stool, reaches into his wallet, pulls out some big bills and puts them in a plastic cup on the bar.]

If anyone asks about me, say I had an appointment and was glad they could make it. And Cody, remember what you heard. It may not mean anything to you now but — just remember. Dasvidaniya!

[BARR exits as the band plays Falco’s “Der Kommissar.” CURTAIN.]