Big Stick it up your ass

Bolt Upright and Received Opinion confront the neo-New World Order

BARI WEISS: Good evening, I’m Bari Weiss and this is Received Opinion!

[Mangled calliope music as WEISS — seated on a white stool and wearing a blue Loro Piana blazer with flare pants, a ruffled white shirt, two lengths of gold chain necklace, and brown Ganni croco clogs — smiles and waves to the camera. Behind her on the big screen: A map of Venezuela, with a cartoon TRUMP standing splay-legged on it with his hands on his hips like the Jolly Green Giant, a derrick rising between his legs and shooting oil, and the legend, “AMERICA IS BACK!”]

The haters said he wouldn’t but he did! In a bold lightning stroke, President Donald Trump has removed the dictator Maduro from Venezuela, to be replaced by — [shrugs] ah’unno, whoever best suits the interests of the United States of America, [squeeze eyes shut, raises the roof, claps] yay! Now, that could be Vice President Delcy Rodríguez but she’s tainted by Maduro and President Trump warned her to do exactly as he says or she may find herself sharing a cell with her old boss, ha ha!

[Background cuts to footage of people waving Venezuelan flags and cheering. WEISS looks at background, then at camera; touches her chest, verklempt.]

Oh. Oh. Now. Speaking as a Millennial? I personally have never experienced American troops being greeted as liberators like they were in Iraq. But look at these young Venezuelans, cheering for their country’s liberation! To be clear, this is in other countries like Belize and the Bahamas because, of course, they refused to live under the dictator, but as soon as we can get our cameras to Venezuela — and I think that’ll be soon because this administration owes me a few favors — I’m sure we’ll see some big celebrations, and maybe some statues of Maduro being toppled.

[Background switches to Hegseth’s and Trump’s media room shit.]

So! What’s next for our boys in blue? I mean olive? Camo? Whatever, we expect a big —

[Unnoticed by WEISS at first, regular host BOLT UPRIGHT has strolled to her stool.]

UPRIGHT: OK, cupcake, playtime’s over. C’mon.

WEISS: What? [Screaming] Security! Security! This man is barred from the premises!

[Some female PAGES come forward, take WEISS by the arms, and walk her off the stage.]

UPRIGHT: Maybe someday, Bari, but there’s no contract so it’s still my show. Bye.

WEISS: [Off screen] IT’S A POGROM!

UPRIGHT: [To the camera] Little hiccup, there, folks, sorry. [Signals to control room] Let’s get chuckles up there.

[Background changes to photo of wan, joyless visage of Secretary of State MARCO RUBIO.]

Since the invasion, Secretary of State Marco Rubio has said that the U.S. has no plan to run the country, and the Venezuelan high court has confirmed Rodríguez as interim leader. But President Trump keeps talking about kicking her out and taking over so, given the administration’s traditional disregard for the law, who knows.

[UPRIGHT strolls to the interview desk, which is vacant.]

Ms. Weiss lined up several administration officials to help explain the situation but they have all fled the studio except for Stephen Miller —

[MILLER strides onto the stage, wearing a white tunic, drab jodhpurs, and high boots in the manner of Erwin Rommel in World War II.]

— who I see has decided to join us. Welcome, Mr. Miller, care to take a seat?

MILLER: I will not sit! I will stand!

UPRIGHT: Don’t want to crease the jodhpurs, huh?

MILLER: I appear under protest. I was under the impression the true journalist Miss Weiss would be asking the questions, not the lügenpresse.

UPRIGHT: If you’re afraid to tell us what the administration’s plans —

MILLER: Not afraid! Not afraid! Nooo, no, it is you who should be afraid.

UPRIGHT: Contrary to the President’s statements, Secretary Rubio has said the U.S. will not take over —

MILLER: We have taken control! Just because we do not squat in the offices of filthy Caracas does not mean we have not taken control! Herr Rubio is trammeled by diplomatic necessity. But The Leader has no limits, he can do as he wishes, he can crush the cockroach nation of Venezuela! Crush it like vermin! He can crush anyone!

UPRIGHT: None of that “hearts and minds” nonsense for you, eh?

MILLER: Vas is los, heartsminds?

[The background screen is suddenly filled with the wan, joyless visage of Secretary of State MARCO RUBIO — but this time he’s live.]

UPRIGHT: [Looking at the screen] Hello, what’s this? Mr. Secretary, can you hear me?

RUBIO: I can hear you, Bolt. I just wanna say that, people are getting fixated and making too much of what the president and his cabinet are saying with regard to Venezuela.

UPRIGHT: So, we should just disregard what the President says?

RUBIO: [Mirthlessly] Ha ha, Bolt, you’re putting words in my mouth.

UPRIGHT: [Gesturing toward MILLER] This is the President’s National Security Advisor, here. Should I ignore him, too?

MILLER: [Raising a hand] Nein, nein, I know my place and what I must do for The Leader. If he says my words have no meaning, it is so.

RUBIO: Not that they have no meaning, Bolt, but they don’t mean what they seem to mean if you just hear them without me telling you what they’re supposed to mean.

UPRIGHT: [To MILLER] So why do we need you? [Making a circle in the air with his finger] Pages to the front, please.

MILLER: Vas?

[PAGES advance, take MILLER’s arms and forcefully lead him away.]

MILLER: [from offstage] Ach! Schweinhund! All will go to the camps!

UPRIGHT: [To the screen] Mr. Secretary, good night and thanks for the clarity.

RUBIO: Thanks, Bolt, go Dolphins!

[RUBIO blinks off.]

UPRIGHT: [Muttering ] Go Dolphins, Jesus Christ. [To camera.] Now to our Decision Desk!

[Musical avulsion. UPRIGHT goes to Decision Desk to join PEONI DOYENNE, wearing a claret Carolina Herrera draped midi dress, pearl choker, and red suede Gianvito 105 pumps, and CHAFE DRAMATURGY, wearing a charcoal grey Canali wool suit, black turtleneck, and red Keds.]

OK, I guess you heard Bari Weiss comparing this to the Iraq War. Peoni, is she right?

DOYENNE: Bolt, what people have to remember is that those were different times! Remember when we all went on TV wearing flag pins?

UPRIGHT: Who could forget.

DOYENNE: But TikTok has done something to people’s minds. Especially young people’s minds, don’t you find?

DRAMATURGY: [Slightly panicky] Am I supposed to be wearing a flag pin?

UPRIGHT: Calm down, Chafe.

DOYENNE: I so wanted to hug myself when we all got word that Maduro had been flushed from his rat-hole!

UPRIGHT: His home, you mean.

DOYENNE: Oh, come on, Bolt, it’s the third world! I have certainly never been to dinner in Caracas. But now that you mention it, no, no, Bolt, no flags, no yellow ribbons, oh, Bolt! None of the joy or martial excitement we had in 2003. I think maybe it has something to do with the loss of melody in our pop music. Do you know what I mean, Bolt?

UPRIGHT: [Tenderly] Would you like a brandy, Peoni?

DOYENNE: [Pressing the back of her hand to her mouth] Hennessy XO if you don’t mind.

[UPRIGHT signals a PAGE, who rushes in with a snifter on a tray.]

UPRIGHT: Well, Chafe, suppose you tell us why this is all terrific.

DRAMATURGY: Bolt, I know —

UPRIGHT: [touching earpiece] Hang on, gotta read this: President Trump now says, quote, yeah we’re gonna invade Cuba, Honduras, Kon-Tiki, Barack-a, Rainbow, Strongbow, and we will drink their blood, he says, I can do what I want and — well, something I can’t really say live, unquote. Hoo boy. OK, go ahead.

DRAMATURGY: Bolt, I know you and I don’t always see eye to eye on matters of journalism, but I’ll have you know I just got an exclusive with Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer.

UPRIGHT: [pulling the lid off a flask he has just withdrawn from his jacket pocket] Ah, yes?

DRAMATURGY: Yes. And Senator Schumer told me, in advance of a Senate floor motion, that he will file first thing tomorrow morning —

DRAMATURGY and UPRIGHT, simultaneously: — a strongly-worded letter of complaint.

[UPRIGHT drinks deeply from the flask. DRAMATURGY is stunned.]

DRAMATURGY: How did you know?

UPRIGHT: [flinging his flask offstage] Educated guess.

[Distant sound of flask breaking. UPRIGHT addresses camera.]

When we come back, we’ll hear from Gert Christian, spokesman for the Center from Monroe Doctrinology and Southern Invasionism, which I think used to be called the Center for MAGA Pacifist Non-intervention Neo-Isolationism, but it’s so hard to tell these days.

[Sudden cries of “Oo-rah”; we briefly glimpse men in camo, led by BARI WEISS, who seize and smash the cameras; cut to black.]