A big Count Floyd ah-woooo for Daniel J. Flynn of the American Spectator, who has given us the culture-war Halloween essay of the year and perhaps all time.
Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers kill kids rushing to become adults. Is it too much to ask of the ghoulish trio to apply their talents toward adults rushing to become kids?
The grownups who have decimated the ranks of trick-or-treaters by aborting 10 million of them in the last decade offer penance for their sins against Halloween by dressing up in place of the missing children.
I can hear you all out there in the darkness, going blink... blink... Let me explain: See, us godless liberals killed all the kids in the womb and stole their costumes, and now enact a grisly, Walpurgisnacht travesty of what should be a red-blooded, cowboys-and-princesses American Halloween!
One way thirtysomething Halloween enthusiasts recoup the money spent on costumes involves not dispensing candy. One can’t help but notice the same couples, dressed in the late night as a sexy Ebola nurse and her doting patient, hiding in their kitchens with the lights out earlier in the evening when the doorbells ring.
Can't help but notice! Who says the Spectator doesn't do reported pieces?
Thereafter it's a jumble of cultural signifiers -- Ray Rice! Milton Berle! -- till inevitably it's time to blame Obama for evil abortion Halloween:
Surely the National Parent sets a bad example here. Pajama Boy, that cradle-to-grave sponge “Julia,” and the health-care act regarding 26-year-olds as dependents entitled to coverage from their parents’ insurance plans all recast adolescence long beyond its biological boundaries -- 25 is the new 12.
This is even better than the gibberish Flynn came up with for Martin Luther King Day. Party on, cowboy!
UPDATE. Just found that Flynn did something very similar last Halloween ("The scariest thing about Halloween isn’t the goblins... It’s adults who impersonate children"). It's lighter on the abortion than his current holiday column, but it does have topical references (50 Shades and Miley Cyrus, remember them?) and a terrific title: "WHOREOWEEN."