Brought to heal

The latest high-level health policy conference

[Senate office of BILL CASSIDY (R.-La.). Cherry wood doors and wainscotting, walnut chairs with green and white striped upholstery, walls the color of crème brûlée. Marble fireplace with mirror, oak bookcases with photos, walnut desk, etc. CASSIDY, dressed in a Brooks Brothers sack suit with white shirt and striped tie, sits on an embroidered sofa, a Dasani bottle on a coffee table in front of him, looking into space, smoothing the thighs of his pants. A timid knock at the office door; a young woman pokes her head in.]

WOMAN: Secretary Kennedy, sir.

CASSIDY: OK.

WOMAN: He brought a guest.

CASSIDY: Oh. OK. Sure. Thanks, Jenny.

[The door opens. ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR. enters, dressed, as in our “NIH meets WTF” episode, in a coral BellaNiecele bell sleeve button down tunic shirt, a black vest, billowy light green linen beach trousers, hippie wrist bracelets, and black Hokas. He is accompanied by a wraith-like woman of about 60 years of age dressed in this Stevie Nicks stage outfit, with the addition of long white gloves. CASSIDY rises.]

CASSIDY: Hi, Bob. Good to see you. [Extends hand to the woman] Senator Bill Cassidy, nice to meet you.

[She makes no move to take his hand.]

KENNEDY: Bill, this is the former Mary Beth Caintree, known since her apotheosis as Exalted Healer Twelfth Degree Sanctemeloria. Because her hands have been dedicated to the goddess Hecate, she is forbidden to touch mortal flesh except in a therapeutic context.

CASSIDY: I see.

[KENNEDY, SANCTEMELORIA and CASSIDY take seats. The door opens and JENNY — who we see is a young woman in a knee-length navy Banana Republic dress and matching. flats.]

JENNY: Anyone want coffee, tea, water?

SANCTEMELORIA: [in a dreamy, imperious voice] Is the water drawn from the springs of life?

JENNY: We have Dasani.

SANCTEMELORIA: Hmmph.

[JENNY gives CASSIDY a look, leaves. KENNEDY takes a flask out of his garment.]

KENNEDY: She’ll pass, and I have my culvert water [drinks].

CASSIDY: Bobby, while I’m very pleased, honored even, to meet your… healer friend, this meeting is about national vaccine policy.

KENNEDY: Which is why I brought Sanctemeloria. Bill, listen, I know you’ve taken some heat for advocating on my behalf at my appointment hearings, and I want to let you know that I appreciate that and want to make it up to you.

CASSIDY: I’m glad you brought that up, Bob, because —

KENNEDY: And I can tell you now that the changes we’ve been making on vaccines, we’re changing direction on those.

CASSIDY: Well, that’s very good news —

KENNEDY: Because the time for half-measures is over. Tomorrow I will announce that all devil-shots are being withdrawn and their manufacture made illegal.

CASSIDY: Devil-shots? Bobby, no, you don’t mean —

KENNEDY: Bill, I was a fool to try and accommodate the common people, fiddling with recommendations and authorizing studies and hoping they’d catch on and come along. As if you could heal a disease like pharmaceutical madness over time! No, you have to do it at one fell swoop, like ripping off a bandage or a Brazilian wax. Starting here, starting now, we’re going clear, and Sanctemeloria is going to show us the way.

SANCTEMELORIA: Senator, you are privileged to witness the dawn of a new era of universal health. We are not only going to heal our people without chemicals, we’re going to heal them without substances of any kind, through the power of healing touch, and a little reiki.

KENNEDY: You can still take natural remedies, but just for fun, like mocktails — you won’t need them, or anything else. Sanctemeloria is already training votaries who will in turn train other votaries, and by the power of compound interest soon every man, woman, and child will have been touched and healed by Christmas, New Year’s at the latest. Then we will have made America healthy again!

SANCTEMELORIA: [Rising] Senator, I offer you a great gift from the Infinite!

[Gazing into CASSIDY’s eyes, SANCTEMELORIA peels off her gloves like a 60s stripper and drops them on the ground. KENNEDY stands up as well.]

Stand up, Senator.

[CASSIDY, hesitantly, does so.]

Breathe deep. Can you not smell the life-giving air that I bring from the cave of Hecate?

CASSIDY: Uh —

SANCTEMELORIA: Let it fill your lungs. Let it mesmerize you.

[KENNEDY has taken a little Bluetooth speaker from his jacket pocket and put it on the coffee table; it faintly plays Enya.]

I sense that, of your kind, you are not unhealthy, but you are not yet wholly clear of negative ions and unwholesome gnar. But when I touch my flesh to your flesh, in seconds you will feel that all melt away. Then you will be truly alive. [Quietly] Now drop your pants.

KENNEDY: Come on, Bill. Now’s the time. It’s great what she does, like nothing I ever experienced.

[Pause.]

Come on. What has your so-called medical degree done for you? What has it done for anybody?

CASSIDY: It’s got me this goddamn job, that’s what it’s done! And I’m not gonna throw it away for this nonsense. I don’t care what the President says! Jenny!

[JENNY comes in quickly, as if she were just outside the door.]

Jenny, please see my guests out.

SANCTEMELORIA: It’s not too late! You’ll see! Jenny! I will heal you, Jenny! Let me heal you!

[SANCTEMELORIA attempts to reach under JENNY’s dress; JENNY screams and punches her in the back of the head. SANCTEMELORIA collapses. JENNY and CASSIDY run out of the room, calling for security.]

KENNEDY: [Shouting, insofar as his voice will allow] Violence! That’s all they have! This is how all the great prophets and alchemists were treated! But I will not be silenced! The world will hear of this outrage and the people will flock to the sound of my grrrarggh!

[SECURITY GUARDS swarm in and seize KENNEDY. CASSIDY and JENNY come in after.]

Back off! Don’t you know who I am!

[A few GUARDS take him away. Other GUARDS pull SANCTEMELORIA to her feet.]

GUARD: Come with us, ma’am.

[SANCTEMELORIA, seemingly dazed, touches the AGENTS on the arms and face as she is pulled up.]

SANCTEMELORIA: Submit. Why do you not submit.

KENNEDY: [From the hall] It’s another assassination! I knew I should have brought my gun!

[The GUARDS take out SANCTEMELORIA. Door closes. Pause. CASSIDY and JENNY sit on the couch, exhausted. After a moment JENNY reaches over and turns off the Bluetooth speaker.]

CASSIDY: You alright, Jenny?

JENNY: I just have to get my breath. I’m allergic to patchouli.

CASSIDY: So that’s what it’s called.