Call the doctor

From the secret White House medical files!

[Oval Office. DR. HAROLD BORNSTEIN enters hurriedly, looking behind him, as if he’s been pushed.]

TRUMP: [At the desk, fiddling with his phone] Doc.

BORNSTEIN: I wish you wouldn’t send these people to just grab me like that. I was in the middle of a procedure!

TRUMP: Procedure?

BORNSTEIN: I was removing a mole from a man’s scalp. It’s a very tricky procedure! They burst in and just grabbed me, like this — [Makes yanking gesture] — I think the patient may be disfigured for life.

TRUMP: [Puts aside phone] So you’re a dermatologist now?

BORNSTEIN: [Winces] It’s just a mole. I’ve done lots of them. You know in the old days they let barbers do it.

TRUMP: Listen, remember a couple months ago when I had you come in and do psychiatric on me?

BORNSTEIN: I — don’t think I did anything we could call — that the state medical board would call psychiatric, Don — excuse me, Mr. President. [Laughing, just a little nervously] I still can’t get used to that!

TRUMP: I need you to do some tests on me.

BORNSTEIN: What kind of tests?

TRUMP: Tests to see if I’m nuts.

[Pause.]

BORNSTEIN: Dr. Conley can’t do that?

TRUMP: Well, we got a little epidemic around here of people refusing to do what I tell them.

BORNSTEIN: Why... would you need a test to see if you — have mental health issues?

TRUMP: You saw on the news that thing where I said — allegedly said — that I was a vibrant young man.

BORNSTEIN: [With a look of distaste] Oh yes. Yes. But you were just kidding, weren't you, Mr. President?

TRUMP: I don’t know. Tell you the truth I can’t remember saying it. I say a lot of things, you know, and I don’t think a lot about what I’m saying at the time because I have this natural gift for talking. And it is a gift, really, it’s not like I worked at it. But you know how it is, Doc, people get things mixed up. You call a guy a spearchucker and they say you’re being a racist when all you’re saying is, hey, that guy looks like he could chuck a spear. So I figure we get a medico in here who can do the tests — someone we can trust, if you know what I mean — and I can tell people it was checked out and everything's fine.

BORNSTEIN: I see. Well, we can do some simple assessments, I’m sure that'll do fine for —

TRUMP: Great. OK, Doc, you want me to lie down on the couch again?

BORNSTEIN: No need. May I sit down?

TRUMP: Sure.

[BORNSTEIN takes a hardback chair and sits at the desk with TRUMP.]

BORNSTEIN: Alright, sir. Are you a man or a woman?

TRUMP: What the fuck? Are you jerking me around —

BORNSTEIN: Test, sir, it’s part of the test.

TRUMP: Oh, right. A man.

BORNSTEIN: Good. And are you a tall man or a short man?

TRUMP: Tall.

BORNSTEIN: Good. And are you a young man or an old man, or something in between?

[Pause.]

TRUMP: [Shrugs] I don’t get it.

BORNSTEIN: What don’t you get?

TRUMP: What am I supposed to say?

BORNSTEIN: The truth, Mr. President.

TRUMP: The what?

BORNSTEIN: Mr. President, there’s no right or wrong answer.

TRUMP: [Snorts] That’s what they all say.

BORNSTEIN: How old are you, sir?

TRUMP: What, don’t you know? You’re my doctor, for Christ’s sake.

BORNSTEIN: Mr. President, I’m assessing whether or not you have a grasp of objective reality. All you have to do is answer the question honestly.

TRUMP: See, that’s the problem, Doc. You tell me to tell the truth. You tell me to be honest. You think that’s how I got here? How I got anywhere? Remember that letter you wrote for me?

BORNSTEIN: How can I forget.

TRUMP: You said I was the strongest man in the world.

BORNSTEIN: No, I said you were the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.

TRUMP: Same difference. You know, people were breaking my balls about that letter, and I didn’t even write it.

BORNSTEIN: Yes you did!

TRUMP: I told them, it says what it says, fellas, take it up with Bornstein. And now look where we are. I’m the President of the United States, and you’re — sitting in a room with the President of the United States. So when you say be truthful, be honest, I gotta say, Doc, where has that ever gotten me?

BORNSTEIN: So you won’t tell me whether you’re a young man or an old man.

TRUMP: Those are relative terms, Doc.

BORNSTEIN: [Sighs] Okay, here’s the last one, then. [He takes a paper and pen from the desk and pushes it toward TRUMP.] It's seven fifty-five. Please draw me a clock with the hands saying seven fifty-five.

[TRUMP draws on the paper, pauses.]

BORNSTEIN: Everything all right?

TRUMP: Seven fifty-five a.m. or p.m.?

BORNSTEIN: [After a beat] p.m.

[TRUMP goes back to work, then hands the paper back to BORNSTEIN.]

BORNSTEIN: You wrote the words “Seven fifty-five” over a circle.

TRUMP: So?

BORNSTEIN: Also you misspelled “fifty.”

TRUMP: I’m famous for my spelling. Unique, that’s what people call it.

BORNSTEIN: Can you draw the hands on a clock to show seven fifty-five, sir? Or even six o’clock?

TRUMP: You know, digital clocks are an amazing invention, and the thing about them is, they made clocks with faces totally obsolete. Nobody remembers how to use them anymore.

[BORNSTEIN stares at TRUMP. After a moment BORNSTEIN gets up.]

BORNSTEIN: Okay, Mr. President, I think I got what you need.

TRUMP: Yeah? Terrific. Okay, sign this.

[TRUMP pulls a piece of paper out of a drawer.]

BORNSTEIN: What’s this?

TRUMP: It’s my psychiatric evaluation. Says I passed with flying colors, just like you said, I just cleaned up the language a little bit.

BORNSTEIN: [Reading] “In this psychiatrist's opinion”? I told you I’m not a psychiatrist! The state medical board will suspend my license!

TRUMP: You can always tell everybody later that you didn’t mean it. What the hell — that’s what everyone else around here does.

BORNSTEIN: I don’t know —

TRUMP: Doc, c’mon. Trip to Disneyland. Take the wife and kids.

BORNSTEIN: My children are grown.

TRUMP: So take ‘em to Vegas.

[BORNSTEIN signs the paper.]

BORNSTEIN: So can I get a ride back? In the cabin this time, not in the cargo hold.

TRUMP: Sure, Doc, but listen — you got your prescription pad with you?

[BLACKOUT.]