Plan B (and C)(and D)

© 2014 Gage Skidmore used under a Creative Commons license


[The Oval Office. TRUMP behind his desk, White House Chief of Staff MICK MULVANEY in a straight-back chair.]

MULVANEY: Bob already changed the whole legal team for you.

TRUMP: You bet he did. He knows what side of the bread his butter’s on.

MULVANEY: Not that this will matter to you, sir, but the Court won’t clear it the next time either.

TRUMP: That’s what you think. I’m really putting the screws to that rummy Kavanaugh this time. I never told you this, Mick, but we got guys who will swear he was not only shitfaced half the time as an adult, he also had sex with guys. Or tried to have sex with them and they said no. We’re not sure, the witnesses are a little shaky so far but we should have it sewn up by next week.

MULVANEY: Interesting as that was to hear, Justice Kavanaugh was on your side last time, sir. It’s Chief Justice Roberts you would have to convince.

TRUMP: Yeah, what we got on him?

MULVANEY: Got on him, sir? We don’t have anything on anybody. This is the White House, not a criminal enterprise.

TRUMP: Now who’s being naive, Kay?

MULVANEY: Did you just call me Kay?

TRUMP: The Godfather. [Pause] Michael and Kay. When she says “Senators and presidents don’t have people killed” and he says — [Pause] Now don’t tell me you don’t know the line!

MULVANEY: Mr. President —

TRUMP: Next you’re gonna tell me you never saw Porky’s. Anyway, it’s like I told O’Reilly — the United States isn’t so special. We kill, we steal. It’s like a gang.

MULVANEY: Sir, with all due respect, maybe you don’t want to get in the habit of talking about the United States that way.

TRUMP: Why not? Oh, yeah, the Alzheimer’s. Don't worry, I won’t spill my guts to the rubes. You saw how good I was the Fourth of July?

MULVANEY: Yes, sir. Very good, nothing about American being like the Mafia.

TRUMP: Roberts, he can be got. We don’t have to be crude about it. Maybe get some of his law buddies to talk to him. Make him see how it’s good for the country. He like men, Roberts? He looks like the type.

[Acting United States Citizenship and Immigration Services Director KEN CUCCINELLI enters.]

CUCCINELLI: Got here as soon as I could, sir.

MULVANEY: Pull up a chair, Ken. The President has a new idea.

[CUCCINELLI does so.]

CUCCINELLI: I’m all ears, Mr. President.

TRUMP: I was just telling Mick, we’re gonna do the Supreme Court thing, and if that doesn’t work, which it will, I’m gonna do the Executive Action thing.

MULVANEY: Right.

TRUMP: Which I think has a pretty good chance. I mean Pelosi, she’s not going to do anything, right?

MULVANEY: Probably not.

CUCCINELLI: Certainly not.

MULVANEY: [Not to be outdone] They don’t have the balls. And that goes for the men too.

[CUCCINELLI and MULVANEY laugh.]

TRUMP: Now, see, this is the kind of thing I wonder about, when you guys agree so much that I’m gonna get away with something, it makes me feel like you’re steering me into a brick wall. Like with Roy Moore. Sure, go ahead, everyone said, what a great idea. Roy Moore, that’ll show ‘em! Good thing people have short memories. So when you guys say the order’s a sure thing, I get nervous. That’s why I have another plan: We print two census forms. One with the question, one without. And we send them both out, and make everyone fill out both.

[Pause.]

If they tie us up in court, we just keep doing it; we can say, if we lose, they keep the first one, and if we win, they can keep the second.

MULVANEY: Um —

CUCCINELLI: Great idea, sir.

MULVANEY: Ken, the Census costs $15.6 billion as it is. This would probably double it, not to mention the legal —

CUCCINELLI: Oh, not double it, Mick. The enumerators go to the same number of addresses, they just have two forms instead of one. It's really quite economical.

MULVANEY: Also, Mr. President, if the House reacts to the Executive Order, you can imagine what they’ll do with this.

TRUMP: Oh, now the House has balls all of a sudden!

[CUCCINELLI laughs.]

Alright, Ken, you go draw up a way to do it, then come back and we’ll see.

CUCCINELLI: [Getting up] Yes, sir, Mr. President. See ya, Mick!

[CUCCINELLI hustles away. MULVANEY gets up.]

MULVANEY: Well, I guess it’s time for your three o'clock prostitute.

TRUMP: Wait, hang on a second, Mick. [MULVANEY sits back down] Listen, don’t take it so bad. Cuccinelli, he’s like all Italians when they get into management, a real kiss-ass. It’s good that you don’t go along with everything I say, that you try to stop me when you think I’m wrong, but always loyal, always backing me up — that you’re kind of a — what’s the word —

MULVANEY: Conservative?

TRUMP: I was gonna say pussy, but whatever. [Gets up] And with that I bid you buenos tardes. That means you retards have a good time!

[TRUMP leaves as the CURTAIN falls.]