Character witness

This blows -- the case wide open!

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright, and this is Received Opinion.

[Repulsive music. Screen behind UPRIGHT: Limited animation of raging TRUMP doused by yellow streams raining down on him from above and containing the faces of MICHAEL COHEN and DAVID PECKER; the chyron YELLOW JOURNALISM? appears underneath.]

The trial of Donald Trump heats up with sensational testimony from National Enquirer publisher David Pecker, who says Trump’s fixer Michael Cohen conspired with him during the 2016 campaign to cover up Trump’s affairs and spread false stories about his Republican opponents — a shocking charge against the Enquirer’s journalistic integrity!  But also shocking about Trump, which is to say totally expected but requiring a show of concern. Decision Desk, please oblige.

[CUT TO the usual Decision Desk crew — CHAFE DRAMATURGY wearing a Loro Piana navy cashmere Hudson jacket, collarless white shirt, acid washed jeans, and dark blue boat shoes; PEONI DOYENNE, in a black Another Tomorrow long-sleeved dress with an absurd vintage Trifari pearl choker and Roman sandals; and BUFF TOEHOLD in an ugly rust Men’s Wearhouse suit and light blue Oxford shirt with a long red tie and brown Clarks — all looking appropriately somber. CUT BACK TO UPRIGHT.]

A sad day at Received Opinion! But word is coming in from our Received Opinion high-status hotline that Senator Ted Cruz is about to speak. Pecker claims Donald Trump, through Cohen, was behind the Enquirer’s attack stories on Cruz, including one that said he had “5 secret mistresses.” We are told Cruz has a statement on these allegations and we join him now at a press conference in Washington.

[CUT TO TED CRUZ, in a double-breasted blue suit, standing at a lectern in front of a bunch of reporters in an undistinguished low-ceiling conference room, a CRUZ FOR SENATE banner hanging behind him. Though the room is small he speaks in his traditional keening, attempted-stemwinder voice.]

CRUZ: We’ve all heard these terrible, terrible allegations, made in a kangaroo court by false friends of Donald Trump who have taken 30 pieces of silver, from the Deep State and you horrible members of the corrupt media gathered here today, and all to one purpose, to smear and to slur and to take down the greatest president this country has ever known. But let me tell you this: When Donald Trump gave those stories to the Enquirer, whatever David Pecker and Michael Cohen thought, or say they thought, I’m here to tell you those stories are absolutely true. And let me tell you this: I had affairs, not with five women, not with ten, but with dozens of women by the time Donald Trump found out about it. As Moe Green said of Fredo Corleone, I was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time.

REPORTER: The fuck?

CRUZ: Indeed, sir. Indeed. And Donald Trump found out about this, in total innocence, not because he sought dirt on his fellow Republicans but because he takes an interest in them as people. When he confronted me I was ashamed, but Donald Trump put his hand on my shoulder like a brother, and he said to me, he said, hey, Lyin’ Ted, from now on I’m gonna call you Lyin’ Ted, because you’ve been lying to your wife, who by the way I think is ugly, and though I’m too much of a gentleman to share your shameful secret, I’m going to call you Lyin’ Ted to remind you about it on the campaign trail so you’ll remember how badly you have treated that fine, ugly woman. Now go thou and sin no more!

SOMEONE OFF-CAMERA: Yes, Lord!

CRUZ: Yes, Lord. Donald Trump was trying to put me on the straight and narrow, and I knew that, and I did try, but I was weak and faltered, maybe because my wife is so ugly, and that’s when Donald Trump gave the story to the Enquirer, so that I might see my sin and repent.

[CRUZ takes out a handkerchief and dabs at his eyes, which are dry.]

And since then I have been more or less faithful, thanks to Donald Trump. But I have one more thing to tell you. You remember all the outrage and vitriol that was thrown at Donald Trump when he said that my father was responsible for the death of the late president John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Well, I have never said this before, but my father is quite old now, and by that I mean senile, so I feel at liberty to tell you it’s true, Rafael Cruz, my father, was part of the conspiracy to kill JFK. In fact he may well have pulled the trigger. My old man has always been a leader. Perhaps some of you remember how strongly members of the Cuban community felt about the Bay of Pigs

SPANISH VOICE IN BACKGROUND: CUBA LIBRE!

ANOTHER SPANISH VOICE IN BACKGROUND: MUERTE A KENNEDY!

CRUZ: Thank you, thank you. In conclusion I want to say that we may have our differences, but everything Donald Trump says is true, and behind him we will kill our enemies the way my father killed John F. Kennedy. Viva Trump!

[CRUZ waves and gives thumbs-ups to silent, horrified reporters. CUT TO UPRIGHT in the studio.]

UPRIGHT: A bold statement from Senator Cruz! This just in, we have a statement from President Trump, who denies that he put his hand on Cruz’s shoulder because, and I’m quoting now, “I didn’t want that stink on me because Lyin’ Ted has the absolute worst B.O.” Peoni, your thoughts.

DOYENNE: Well, you all know I’m no Trump fan but I don’t see how the prosecution tops this. I mean it’s four star political theater, like Ollie North’s wife leafing though telegrams of support while North testified before Congress. Which, by the way, was my idea.

UPRIGHT: Chafe?

DRAMATURGY: My degrees are all in the liberal arts. So I don’t get what’s going on legally here? So I have to give Trump the benefit of the doubt.

DOYENNE: Much as you dislike him.

DRAMATURGY: Much as I dislike him.

UPRIGHT: Buff?

TOEHOLD: I just want to talk about how the antisemitic stuck-up molly-coddled college protestors love Hamas, Bolt.

UPRIGHT: I’ll give you ten seconds starting – now.

TOEHOLD: ANTISEMITIC STUCK-UP MOLLY-CODDLED COLLEGE PROTESTORS LOVE HAMAS AND, AND ARE TRANS AND, AND, COLLEGE SISSY, ANTISEMITIC ANTISEMITE ANTISEMIDEMITISM --

UPRIGHT: Time, Buff.

TOEHOLD: ANTISEMTASTICMENTARIANISM, ANTIFASEMITISM ANTISEMITIES –

UPRIGHT: Last warning.

TOEHOLD: [With heightened urgency] FAGS I SAID FAGS FAGS FAGS FAGS FAGS

[At a signal from UPRIGHT a large, grey square-frustum-shaped object bearing the network logo and the words 2000 LBS falls on TOEHOLD and crushes him.]

UPRIGHT: You can’t keep a good man down and we’ll see Buff after the break I’m sure, as we will all of you when we’re joined by Chaya Raichik and a random slur generator designed by Elon Musk’s X, which sponsors the next three minutes of advertising, as well as this AI version of our Decision Desk team.

[Under hideous music the screen is filled with grotesque caricatures of the Received Opinion set and of the show’s panelists, who immediately rip off their clothes, revealing absurdly toned and sculpted bodies, and manage to begin a group sex act before the screen goes black.]