© 2020 Gage Skidmore, used under a Creative Commons license
[A large trailer, very comfortably appointed, even down to dark wood paneling and bankers’ lamps, to resemble a plush office, parked in downtown Washington, D.C. JOE BIDEN, wearing slacks, a blue cardigan, and a button-down shirt, sits at a nice desk with a few comfortable tack-upholstered chairs while his well-dressed assistants, white-haired Democratic lifer ED HAMS and STEFAN, whom we’ve seen in previous BIDEN scenes, fuss with folders and papers.]
BIDEN: I still say I feel a draft, Ed. Can’t we get some kind of real office? Doesn’t have to be fancy. One of those, what do you call them, I Work or He Works, She Works, you know, they rent them out to you.
HAMS: It’s not that we can’t, sir. We just don’t want to send the wrong message.
STEFAN: It was your idea to reach out to the Republicans, Mr. Vice President, and you saw the letter they all signed —
BIDEN: Wasn’t that the craziest thing? Congressmen, some guys I’ve known for years, saying if I took an office in Washington it’d be a provocation! [Sighs] But I guess that’s politics these days.
STEFAN: Yeah, let’s be nice and maybe they’ll let you live in the White House.
BIDEN: Hey, enough of that, Stef, now come on, let’s everybody get on board.
HAMS: [To STEFAN] Reconciliation, Stef. That’s the only —
[A dull thud is heard outside. They all flinch.]
BIDEN: Was that another bomb?
[A muted, distant-sounding explosion is heard.]
They build these things pretty sturdy. Okay, who’s up next? Boy, that last fella was kind of a weirdo, huh? What was that thing he kept saying over and over?
STEF: Baba booey. It’s a catchphrase from the old Howard Stern show.
BIDEN: I’ve heard of that. So he just snuck in here for a prank.
STEF: Well, not really, he actually is the deputy secretary of state.
HAMS: Acting deputy secretary.
BIDEN: No kidding? So young!
STEF: Yes, you’d think a high school sophomore couldn’t do the job —
HAMS: Our friends in the Trump Administration have made a lot of last-minute appointments, sir, to give their up-and-comers some seasoning.
STEF: Or because it’s easier to get a teenager to insult the incoming President of the United States —
BIDEN: Stef, you keep this up and we’re gonna send you to bed without any supper. Now let’s get the next guy in here.
[HAMS crosses to the door, steps out a moment.]
STEF: [Softly] I still say we should ask for a bigger secret server detail.
BIDEN: [Chuckling] Aw, c’mon, Stef, you, me and Moose Hams can handle whatever they throw at us.
[HAMS enters with Trump Administration advisor/Nazi STEPHEN MILLER. BIDEN rises and extends a hand; MILLER takes a seat and slouches insolently.]
So, like to get right to it, huh? [Sits] OK, Steven, I gotta say I was surprised to hear you wanted to come and see me. You know you and I don’t eye to eye on a lot of things. But my father told me back in Scranton, he said you always gotta listen to the other guy, see if he doesn’t have something to teach you. So —
MILLER: Teach? I am not here to teach. I am here to warn. You propose to undo all of our good work — you would pollute and defile and mongrelize this great nation, but I have come to tell you that the people will not let you get away with it.
STEF: Alright, thanks for coming in —
BIDEN: [To STEF] Hey. [To MILLER] Steven, look, buddy, I know you believe deeply in the work you’ve been doing. I’ve been there. When the other side gets elected and comes in —
MILLER: [Snorts] “Elected”!
BIDEN: — and comes in and says they’re gonna do things differently, it hurts. I know how it hurts. Because I —
[MILLER gets up from his chair and strikes a defiant pose.]
MILLER: Hurt? Hurt? You think you cause me pain with your stupid, race-mixing nonsense? No, it amuses me. It makes me laugh! HA HA HA HA HA HA! You are doomed, Biden! [Pointing at STEF and HAMS] You and your Jew friends, your ridiculous travesty ends today!
[MILLER pulls open his jacket, showing what appear to be sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest, connected by wire.]
It is an honor, a privilege to give my life for my great Leader. We will kill all of you, the schvartze, Pelosi, Grassley too, that schnook. Soon will come —
[STEF has gotten behind MILLER with a scissors and now snips all his wires. He shoves MILLER toward the door. MILLER, unfazed, adjusts his jacket.]
Well, I tried. So much for the tolerant Left! [Sententiously] Baba booey. Baba booey!
[MILLER leaves. Pause.]
BIDEN: Well, you can't win ‘em all. But I have high hopes for Ben Carson.
[A dull thud is heard outside. They all flinch. BLACKOUT.]