Come Let Us Received Opinion Together

After Biden garbage dump, Bolt and the gang ask: Whither comity?

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Audio-induced sensation of skull exploding. In the background: limited-animation cartoon of Joe Biden banging his fist on the lid of a garbage can. Caption: GARBAGE GAFFE!]

Kamala Harris drew 75,000 people to a speech in Washington yesterday, but Joe Biden said something about Trump supporters being garbage so that’s what we’re going with. Today every Republican still supporting the former president expressed outrage at the remarks, and the Trump campaign, in yet another unusual move, is giving us an exclusive live feed from Arlington National Cemetery, where someone they describe as an “extra special surprise guest” is going to also express outrage — [touches earpiece] they’re ready? OK, let’s go to Arlington —

[CUT TO two guys who look like bouncers beating up a soldier and tossing him out of frame, then a small crowd of what look like adult trick-or-treaters dressed as hillbillies, Manson cult members, and incels cheer as a makeshift outdoor stage is mounted by cashiered Received Opinion panelist BUFF TOEHOLD, wearing a blue suit, red tie, and white shirt, and barefoot.]

TOEHOLD: [Red-faced, screaming hoarsely and shaking his fists] How dare senile sleepy Joe sleepy senile pedo Joe sleepy Joe! How dare he! Call us garbage! GARBAGE! Sleepy steely sneezy dopey Joe! Kamala the whore! Bitch! Whore! Shame! Skeezy deezy wheezy steepy peepy —

[TOEHOLD beats his chest.]

Arrrgh! Arrrrrrrgh!

[TOEHOLD holds his arms out and splays his fingers as if casting a magic spell – in a breathless stage whisper:]

I call all patriots — to answer — this slander — by finding — and murdering [loud] ALL THE –

[Long series of bleeps. Feed cut. Back to UPRIGHT, looking offscreen with a quizzical expression.]

OFFSCREEN VOICE: Well, he said he was in rehab.

UPRIGHT: Great. At least you remembered the tape delay. [To the camera] I don’t know what to tell you, folks. Received Opinion apologizes. Why don’t we just go to our Decision Desk.

[Momentary audio aneurysm as UPRIGHT goes to the Decision Desk, where sit our usual panelists PEONI DOYENNE, golden highlights in her hair, wearing a Giambattista Valli maxi-dress with floral jacquard bodice with peplum flare and white full A-line skirt, and pink ballet slippers; and CHAFE DRAMATURGY, wearing a Meridien Moderne red and white striped Breton shirt, Bottega Veneta denim-printed nubuck pants, and Bass Weeguns; joining them is wingnut buffoon RYAN GIRDUSKY, wearing a navy blue Loro Piana cashmere Mercer suit, a grey collarless shirt, Beatle boots, and a ton of hair product.]

Peoni, tell us what this means for the flailing Kamala Harris campaign.

DOYENNE: Well, as you know I’m no Trump fan, but –

[She pauses; UPRIGHT seems to have said “well as you know I’m no Trump fan but” in a simpering voice under his breath.]

I’m sorry, Bolt, did you say something?

UPRIGHT: Hmm? No, Peoni — you were saying.

DOYENNE: Yyyes, well, this is a gift to the Trump campaign, which —

UPRIGHT: You forgot to say ”surging.”

DOYENNE: I was coming to that! The Trump campaign which is surging after the — the — oh dammit Bolt, now I forget what it was — something to do with young men or black men or young black men, but make no mistake, he is surging, and by getting Joe Biden to call Trump supporters garbage Harris has alienated the Trump supporters who might have broken for her in this election!

UPRIGHT: Food for thought! Chafe, where’s Waldo?

DRAMATURGY: What? I don’t – [looks down at his shirt] Oh, I get it. Waldo is wearing a sweater, Bolt.

UPRIGHT: Just lightening things up, Chafe. What is it Kamala Harris must do now?

DRAMATURGY: Clearly Kamala must reach out to the Trump supporter community, let them know that she feels their pain and understands why they hate her and say they’ll launch a civil war if she wins. Maybe she can offer to make Trump Secretary of State!  

DOYENNE: Brilliant!

DRAMATURGY: It’s the sort of thing Jed Bartlett would do!

UPRIGHT: OK, now to Mr. Girdusky, who for some reason we’re giving another shot on a network news show. I just hope you won’t wish death on us like you did Mehdi Hassan, ha ha.

GIRDUSKY: Why would I? All of you are white.

[GIRDUSKY stands up and throws the white power sign at the cameras.]

BABA BOOEY! BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY –

[Two studio security guards rush and violently tackle GIRDUSKY behind the desk, then drag his limp body away.]

UPRIGHT: Clearly the Democrats have divided America as never before. When we come back, I am hearing on my earpiece that we will be joined by some other guy who will protest our treatment of Ryan Girdusky, and all I can say to that is, I hope they have someone ready to protest our treatment of the guy who comes on to protest our treatment of Ryan Girdusky, because when —

[CUT TO “technical difficulties” insert, silence.]