"Coronavirus: Catch It!"

New strategies for spinning the catastrophe

The cack-handed Administration response to coronavirus has made it difficult to conservatives to find a convincing spin. The It’s all the liberal media’s fault spin is withering on the vine; the Blame China and basically any Chinese people within earshot spin has only a limited appeal (i.e., to racist assholes, a large but insufficient Republican constituency). This week our agents infiltrated a Rightwing Conspiracy Committee Meeting and here are the alternatives they found under discussion:

Coronavirus is good for you. The virus will make you very sick and some people will die (Note: add “regrettably”? Might complicate messaging), but once you get over it, your body will be coursing with antibodies that will render you practically invulnerable to all other respiratory diseases. (Idea: Have President appear with buff “coronavirus supermen and superwomen”; have nerds in lab coats shoot germs at them as they laugh and flex.) This will also disprove the liberal theory that the pandemic shows we need generous sick leave and health care policies, or vaccines.

Coronavirus is God’s way of giving you a tax cut. The proposed payroll tax cut is something Trump could have done at any time! He did not withhold it because he is cruel, but because he was waiting from a sign from God that this was His will. Also, Americans, His people on earth, had to prove themselves worthy by passing through the “coronavirus crucible.” This will especially appeal to the President’s religious constituency; for evangelicals we will have Paula White conduct a White House prayer and snake-handling meeting; for the new Catholics for Trump group, Bob Barr will come out in a celice, take communion, and whip himself with a flagellum.

Coronavirus is a racist attack on white people. While the “Wuhan virus” thing may strike even some Republicans as at least weirdly racist, psychometric tests from Steve Bannon’s ratfucking labs show that many of these voters will react more positively if the virus itself is accused of reverse racism. Studies (Note: Get Discovery Center God-scientists on this!) will be cited showing the coronavirus genome contains coded anti-white messages. Important to raise suspicion that the racism was planted by Chinese scientists; intimations of germ warfare; President to threaten tariffs and also explain why his proposed fracking industry stimulus is an essential part of his attack on China. (President to return to and exaggerate his distinctive campaign-trail pronunciation of “SHY-na”; whole coronavirus team from Azar down will do likewise.)

Nothing matters and we will all die, it’s good that we will die. A bold move but we should consider it either as part of the mix or as a “nuclear option.” Bannon has identified a large segment of Trump voters — Nazis, incels, seniors with multiple chronic conditions and estranged adult children, Arizonans — who want to die but hanker to see others die and/or suffer before they do. Message could be conveyed, subtly or otherwise, that our handling of coronavirus is, like their election of Trump, a form of murder-suicide perpetrated against an America they no longer recognize. Suggested taglines: “FTW (Fuck The World)” and “Joker was robbed.”