Em-pathetic

Trump's turned over a new leaf, again

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Sonic shart. Background screen behind UPRIGHT: A highly manipulated image of DONALD TRUMP wearing an angelic white robe with upraised hands and surrounded by putti with the faces of Jason Miller, Stephen Miller, Kellyanne Conway et alia, and the caption A NEW BEGINNING: THIS TIME FOR SURE!]

Hurricane Helene has Dems on the defensive as Donald Trump rushes to Georgia to show support for beleaguered red-state residents. Let’s go to a clip:

[CUT TO clip — but of TRUMP at a rally in Erie, Pennsylvania.]

TRUMP: And the police aren’t allowed to do their job. They’re told if you do anything, you’re going to lose your pension, you’re going to lose your family, your house, your car. What the hell is going on? They’re not allowed to do it because the liberal left won’t let them do it. The liberal left wants to destroy them. One rough hour — and I mean real rough — the word will get out, and it will end immediately, end immediately.

[Back to UPRIGHT.]

UPRIGHT: Sorry, folks, we didn’t mean to show you the former president prescribing a night of random police violence to solve crime, we meant to show you him being sympathetic to suffering hurricane victims. Here:

[CUT TO TRUMP’s gummy, checked-out speech in Valdosta, Georgia.]

 TRUMP: Yammer yammer yammer…

[Back to UPRIGHT.]

UPRIGHT: Uh, we didn’t mean to show that either, I don’t think. We understand the former President showed great empathy to suffering hurricane victims at an undisclosed location. I see we have a chyron now that says Trump claimed President Biden refused to talk to the governor of Georgia, and that the governor said that was not so —

[Such a chyron does appear, and is yanked.]

— and we didn’t mean to show that either. Not sure what’s going on — maybe some kind of wokeness on the part of junior staff! Anyway I understand we have footage of Trump’s outreach to the suffering masses now —

[CUT TO TRUMP throwing chicken fingers at the Alabama-Georgia game. CUT immediately back to UPRIGHT.]

Dammit! Anyway as our colleagues at CNN have said, Trump is now offering a message of unity, and it’s a challenge to Kamala Harris and Democrats to offer more that the usual rhetoric about climate change and demands that Congressional Republicans authorize aid to the effect regions. Let’s go to our Decision Desk!

[Four seconds of acousticaust as UPRIGHT strolls to the Desk and greets the usual suspects: PEONI DOYENNE in a mocha-latte Akris silk Georgette tube print caftan gown and Tony Burch Miller Cloud sandals; CHAFE DRAMATURGY, wearing a black turtleneck and jeans and a Ralph Lauren Glen Plaid Polo Coat over that like a cape, for some reason, and Sabah Fort Worth Brown Baba slippers; and BUFF TOEHOLD wearing what looks like an old Wall Street trader jacket, stained khakis, white socks and black Clarks. He appears to be asleep in his seat.]  

Chafe, you’re as liberal as they come —

DRAMATURGY: I wish you’d stop saying that.

UPRIGHT: — but surely you see the former President reaching out to his red-state constituents and you have to wonder: Is this a new Donald Trump?

DRAMATURGY: Well, Bolt, remember when Van Jones said after the 2017 State of the Union speech that it was the moment Trump became President?

UPRIGHT: Of course.

DRAMATURGY: Well, this was like that.

UPRIGHT: I see. [Small pause] So, do you want to —

DRAMATURGY: Not really, no.

UPRIGHT: I see. [Mutters slightly off-mic] What is it with everyone today. [Back on mic] Peoni, your thoughts.

DOYENNE: Well, this is indeed a challenge to Kamala Harris, who probably doesn’t want to get her Manohla Blahniks wet down there in hurricane country. You know, Blurt, I always feel much better when a man is in charge during a hurricane.

UPRIGHT: Actually President Biden is in charge now, and did you just call me Blurt?

DOYENNE: But, even though he is, technically, a man, President Biden doesn’t inspire the same confidence as Donald Trump – he doesn’t have the, oh, how can I say it — dammit, I referred to testicles for W and now I don’t know what to say! How can I put it – Buff?

[UPRIGHT and DOYENNE look at TOEHOLD, who remains still; UPRIGHT jostles him, and he falls spectacularly like broken crockery off his chair onto the floor.]

UPRIGHT: Whoops. When we come back, Van Jones will be with us —

DRAMATURGY: [In background] HEY!

UPRIGHT: — and a lady in Asheville, North Carolina who says she saw Trump walking on the water during the hurricane last weekend and she’s black, which presents a challenge to the Democratic candidate!

[Quasimusical brain slash; drone camera flies up and out a hole torn in the roof to freedom.]