© 2016 Michael Vadon used under a Creative Commons license
[The Oval Office. TRUMP is, uncharacteristically, standing behind his desk. His face is very red, as if he’s been exerting himself. Seated on sofas nearby are ERIC and DONALD TRUMP JR., wearing matching track suits, and JARED KUSHNER, wearing an expensive business casual outfit like he once saw Mohammad bin Salman wearing; they regard TRUMP somberly while Chief of Staff MICK MULVANEY sits in a distant corner, his hardback chair leaning back against the wall; he is staring into space.]
TRUMP: So what I wanna know is, what other words are hidden in this piece of shit and how do I get ‘em out?
[TRUMP points at KUSHNER, whose eyes widen.]
College boy! What else I gotta wonder about?
KUSHNER: I only studied regular law, not Constitutional law.
TRUMP: Did you read it?
KUSHNER: The Constitution? Sure.
TRUMP: So what I gotta worry about?
KUSHNER: [Shrugs] Well... lots. I mean that’s why the judges keep finding against you.
TRUMP: I’m fixing that. I’m fixing that. I got that rummy on the Supreme Court, he’ll do anything I tell him. We’re putting all these judges on all these courts, years from now, when Ivanka’s sitting in this chair, she’ll be sitting pretty, sitting beautiful, the best. But right now is what I’m talking about. What’s in the Constitution now we gotta worry about?
DONALD JR.: If I may, Pop? It’s the Amendments. Not the Bill of Rights so much as all that other junk afterwards. You get rid of those, you get rid of the whole problem. Especially the civil rights ones.
TRUMP: Listen to this. How do I get rid of these Amendments, Mr. Smart Guy?
DONALD JR.: You put out an order that says Constitutions can only be so many pages and they all gotta be thus-and-such a type size. That way they have no choice but to cut ‘em off around — [makes a balancing motion with his right hand] the Tenth, maybe Eleventh Amendment.
TRUMP: Yeah?
DONALD JR.: Yeah. Nobody’ll notice. They don’t read that shit anyway.
[Pause. TRUMP grabs a paperweight from the desk and throws it at DONALD JR. He can’t throw it any further than the edge of the desk, where it lands with a crack and tumbles onto the floor. DONALD JR. just stares, hurt; ERIC and KUSHNER have fallen over the sides of their sofas; they scramble to their feet and stare apprehensively at TRUMP.]
TRUMP: Idiots! All I got is idiots! Goddamnit, get the hell out of here!
[They flee. TRUMP lumbers to the corner cabinet for his formula. He opens the box, rears back.]
What the hell! Hey!
[He turns toward MULVANEY, who still stares into space. TRUMP shakes the box at him, then throws it; it falls a few feet from MULVANEY’s feet. He does not react.]
What’re you, holding out on me?
[MULVANEY unleans his chair and stands up.]
MULVANEY: We’re taking a little break, sir.
TRUMP: Whattaya mean?
MULVANEY: You need a little rest.
TRUMP: Like hell! Get me Maggie Haberman! I’ll tell those cocksuckers a thing or two.
[From the Rose Garden door, IVANKA TRUMP enters, wearing a fashionable kaftan and leggings. TRUMP becomes recessive.]
Oh, hey honey. How ya doing.
[IVANKA walks up to him.]
IVANKA: [Firmly] Dad, you look terrible. I’m gonna tuck you into bed and you’re gonna get a good night’s sleep, and then we’ll have a nice breakfast.
[She nods at MULVANEY, who leaves by an interior door.]
TRUMP: [Weakly] People need to see me around.
[IVNAKA rubs his arm, looks into his eyes and speaks soothingly.]
IVANKA: Oh, honey, they’ll forget you were ever gone. Wednesday turns to Thursday, they’re doing their jobs and watching their kids and just when they think, hey, where’s President Trump? All of a sudden there you’ll be, back at your desk refreshed and relaxed.
TRUMP: You know that’s when they get you. When you’re asleep, that’s when they get you.
IVANKA: I’m here, honey, I’m here, no one’s gonna get you.
TRUMP: I always tried to take care of you and now you’re taking care of me. I tell ya, if I could cry I’d be bawling my eyes out.
IVANKA: Me too, honey.
[MULVANEY returns with two MARINES. He hands TRUMP an inhaler.]
TRUMP: What’s this?
MULVANEY: It’s the beginning of your mini-vacation, sir. Take a snort and have a nice couple of days!
[The MARINES flank TRUMP. TRUMP plays with the inhaler. IVNAKA leads them all through an interior door. Pause. MULVANEY lays down on a couch, sighs, pulls out his phone.]
Hey, Steffy. Yeah, he’s out the door... What? Don’t tell them anything, what difference does it make?... Friday... no, no appointments, let’s see how it goes. Anything can happen.... Especially not Pence. Send him to Africa or something... me? Not much. I’m just gonna sit here and enjoy the silence.
[He clicks off and lays fully back on the couch. Within seconds we hear him snoring. BLACKOUT.]
During these times we have to take our amusements where we can, and it will never not be funny to me when Trump tries something outrageous like the G7 fiasco, gets various GOPers to go out on the “nothing to see here” limb in support of him, then reverses course and saws it off behind them.
On a more troubling note, Nate Cohn reports on a NYT poll where voters say by 46-42% that Trump’s behavior is typical of politicians in general rather than being much worse. I’m cynical about the political class and think most are power-hungry narcissists who are at least somewhat shifty, but if people can’t see Trump is breaking new ground as far as criminal conduct goes that spells big trouble for 2020 and beyond.
Doing the Emolumental, Part the XXVth