En bunk

The future of justice

[Courtroom,Anytown U.S.A. Defendant JIMINY DUPAS is on the stand.]

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: [To the judge] Your Honor, I don’t even know why we’re talking about admitting this so-called video evidence. Digital video is infamous for being susceptible to what they call “deep fakes” where they can take the face of the person in the video and substitute it with the face of some other person. Your Honor will remember I showed him a Twitter video about this at lunch.

PROSECUTOR: Objection, Your Honor, just an hour ago the defense submitted a video of the defendant singing “Happy Birthday” to his mother and giving her a jewelry box made out of popsicle sticks as evidence that the defendant was incapable of violence, and there was no question —

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Apples and oranges, Your Honor. The defense exhibit was a home video, and as the name implies it was home-made, wholesome and unadulterated.

PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, there is no difference whatsoever in the cell-phone technology used by the defense and the cell-phone technology used by the state’s witness that clearly shows the defendant shooting three people —

JUDGE: Hey! Hey! Do I have to clear the court?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Clearly prejudicial, Your Honor, I move for a mistrial!

PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, this is central to the charge! The defendant is on trial for murder —

JUDGE: [Waving his gavel at the PROSECUTOR] Hey! Maybe they go in for this kind of lawyering tricks in New York or San Francisco, but this is my courtroom and you will not prejudice this case again or I’ll clear the court.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your honor, can’t we just get to the acquittal? It’s been a long day and my client is getting over-tired. Look, his face is all sleepy!

JUDGE: I will advise the prosecution —

[JUDGE’s phone plays “Let’s Go Brandon.” He fishes it out of his robes and answers.]

Yes, hello? Oh, no, sir, not yet. We’ll have someone call you first thing. [Beat] Oh, well, that’s very flattering, Mr. President. It’d be an honor and I promise to make you proud. [Beat] Yes, I agree Joe Shirren is a RINO. [Beat] No, sir, I won’t have any trouble saying so on the trail — why, I have a whole courtroom full of people listening to me say it right now! Speaking of that, sir, the sooner I get off this call, the quicker we can get to the [Looks around furtively]— well, you know. [Beat] Ha ha, very good, sir. Bye now.

[JUDGE hangs up, put away phone. To the PROSECUTOR:]

Where was I? I advise the prosecution to tread lightly. [Gesturing to DUPAS] The defendant is getting sleepy and I’m sure he’d be much better off at home with his mommy. Is that right, Mrs. Dupas?

DEFENDANT’S MOMMY: [From the gallery] Oh, yes, Your Honor!

[The DEFENDANT makes a two-hand heart gesture to his MOMMY, followed by the White Power sign.]

JUDGE: Alright, Mr. Jones, you’ve been warned.

PROSECUTOR: Thank you, Your Honor [To the DEFENDANT] Mr. Dupas, you testified that you travelled 300 miles to the Darbyville school board meeting with your rifle and three boxes of ammo because you were “afraid.” Can you tell the court exactly what were you afraid of?

DEFENDANT: Well I was scared because the critical race protester Antifa I — I — I —

[The DEFENDANT starts loudly blubbering like Stan Laurel. His MOMMY does likewise. Everyone but the PROSECUTOR goes “Awwwwww.” The JUDGE offers the DEFENDANT several handkerchiefs and a “World’s Best Defendant” loving cup. The gallery throws rotten tomatoes at the PROSECUTOR.]

JUDGE: Case dismissed!

[The JUDGE smashes the PROSECUTOR with his gavel. Cheers. CURTAIN.]