Enormous changes at the last minute

Another in a series of scenes from the Oval

[Chief of Staff JOHN KELLY strides into the Oval, visibly shaken, and approaches DONALD TRUMP at his desk.]

KELLY: Sir, I just got back from CENTCOM and heard about the Ambassador.

TRUMP: Yes, that was a nice hotel. My father put a bid on it in 1970, but the people who were running it? Not men of vision.

KELLY: No, sir, I mean Ambassador Haley.

TRUMP: Oh, yeah, we got rid of her.

KELLY: Got rid — My understanding was that she resigned.

TRUMP: Yeah, maybe.

KELLY: Sir, it's important we keep straight who resigned and who was fired but we made it look like a resignation.

TRUMP: Yeah, how come?

KELLY: [lowering his voice] Well, for one thing, in case we have trouble with the special prosecutor.

TRUMP: I wouldn't worry about it. You know I made her rub my feet.

KELLY: I beg your pardon?

TRUMP: Nikki. When I brought her in for the job. I said how are you, darling. Listen, my feet are tired, I was wondering could you rub 'em for me. She knelt right down and did it. Indian girls, you know, they train them like that.

KELLY: Be that as it may —

TRUMP: [spreads his palms] Nobody believes me.

KELLY: Be that as it —

TRUMP: It's like I'm talking to myself here.

KELLY: Sir, when the Ambassador came in here, what exactly did she say?

TRUMP: [shrugs] I couldn't make head nor tail of it. She just went on about all the things she did as Governor and when she was a little girl, junk like that. I thought maybe we were on Candid Camera. Finally I said, listen sweetheart, don't you have a general assembly or something to go to, and she said oh no, sir, I'm not going back there, and I said, well, why not, and she said, oh I think I made that perfectly clear. Finally I said, okay, we’re gonna have a press conference and you can tell those people what you’re doing.

KELLY: [buries face in hands]

TRUMP: So we have the press conference, and she does the same thing, it’s all about her, how she was a great governor, oh it was a real song and dance. All I know is she’s gone and good riddance. Now we gotta get someone to replace her.

KELLY: Sir, I —

[KELLY gasps, starts as he notices JARED KUSHNER, who has silently entered the room unnoticed, just behind him.]

KELLY: Where the hell did you come from?

KUSHNER: You have to call me sir.

KELLY: The hell I do.

KUSHNER: [to TRUMP] Hey dad, you know what, I think I ought to be the new Ambassador to the United States. [Pause.] Nations! I have extensive experience in international relations. I know all the countries, I can even pronounce their names — Israel, for example, and Jerusalem, and Iran and Iraq — Iran’s the bad one — and Zumba... Zimbaaaaa-zimbaaway, Zimbabwe. [laughs] How's that! And look — [Gets out phone, starts scrolling through pictures] — wait a minute — I have a picture of this diplomatic sash Ivanka got me, so cool, I was going to wear to a Halloween party but now I can wear it at the United States. Nations!

TRUMP: [to KELLY] This kid is an idiot.

KUSHNER: Hey dad, I don’t think that’s even fair. You saw on the news. Nikki Haley said I was a genius.

TRUMP: So it’s sabotage! Jared, go wait in the stairwell.

KUSHNER: [Frightened] The stairwell? But Dad, I don’t know where the stairwell is.

TRUMP: So go find a stairwell and wait in it.

[KUSHNER leaves]

TRUMP: [to KELLY in a low voice] You know he doesn’t have sex with the girl. Not really —

KELLY: Not only do I not want to hear this, sir, I didn’t even hear what you just said —

TRUMP: Uses stuffed animals, she tells me. Acts it out.

KELLY: I’m sorry sir, I was continuing not to pay attention.

TRUMP: [spreads his palms] Nobody listens.

KELLY: Alright, forget about Haley, sir. Do you have anyone lined up to replace her?

TRUMP: Yes, here he is now.

[KANYE WEST enters, looks around]

WEST: Look at this. Look at this now. Wow. Its so small! Mr. President, can I get a hug?

TRUMP: Not really, no.

WEST: Okay cool. Hey, I just saw Jared in the stairwell. He looked kinda down.

TRUMP: He's disposable. Listen, UN Ambassador, whattaya think?

WEST: I was expecting it. I was expecting it. [Pulls out his phone] My daughter designed me some foreign policies, lemme show you.

TRUMP: Hey, Kanye, you know what would cheer Jared up? If you personally told him that I made you the UN Ambassador. Can you do that for me?

[WEST gives a Wakanda salute, leaves.]

KELLY: I'm going for a walk around the block, sir. When I come back I trust this will all be taken care of.

[He LEAVES. A minute later KELLYANNE CONWAY comes in carrying a bottle of Febreze.]

CONWAY: How are you today, Mr. President. I’m gonna spray the furniture and you know what that means.

TRUMP: What.

CONWAY: [evenly] It means that when I’m done, nothing that happened, happened.

[She starts spraying Febreze on the furniture.]

TRUMP: You know, Kellyanne, my feet are awfully sore.

[CONWAY stops spraying, looks at him.]

CONWAY: What was that, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Nothing.

[She resumes spraying as the CURTAIN falls.]