Executive privilege

The fart wants what it wants

[The Oval Office. TRUMP is at the Resolute Desk with his box of “formula” and is chopping it up on a mirror. At a far end of the room from him is White House Chief of Staff MARK MEADOWS, with the mindless grin he has been wearing of late; South Carolina Senator LINDSAY GRAHAM; and Attorney General BILL BARR. These three speak in undertones.]

GRAHAM: [To BARR] I don’t see how you can be in the room with this. You’re the Attorney General of the United States.

BARR: At this point what difference does it make?

GRAHAM: You believe in God, right?

BARR: Oh, yes.

GRAHAM: Well, what you suppose He thinks about it?

[TRUMP takes a ripe snort. He lets his head loll back in his chair.]

BARR: I don’t know what you holy rollers believe in but in our faith we have something called Just War Doctrine.

GRAHAM: I’m not a holy roller, I’m a Baptist.

[Another snort. The men turn toward TRUMP, wander over.]

TRUMP: Hoo boy. OK, let’s get this done. I’m going with Heather.

BARR: Can’t do it, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Bullshit. I can do anything I want.

GRAHAM: I don’t think the Senate will go for it, sir.

TRUMP: Mark, clean this shit up.

MEADOWS: Yes, sir!

[MEADOWS goes to the corner breakfront, pulls an apron, a bottle of Windex, and a bar mop from behind it, puts on the apron and starts cleaning off the desk.]

TRUMP: What do they got to say about it.

BARR: They can literally block the nomination.

TRUMP: [To GRAHAM] So you’re gonna fuck me over, huh. Go ahead and try it, you fucking pansy.

GRAHAM: Mr. President, I’m only one man.

TRUMP: You’re not a man, you’re a fruit.

GRAHAM: [Enumerating on his fingers] Susan Collins, Murkowski, Romney, they’re already out, but with this we lose some more of the girls, maybe lose Mike Lee —

TRUMP: I’ll fuck him up. I’ll throw his brother off the court in Utah.

GRAHAM: Well, you know you could put him on the Supreme Court, sir —

TRUMP: The fuck is this? You said you wanted a woman!

GRAHAM: A woman would be better.

BARR: Amy Barrett. That’s the pick.

GRAHAM: But we gave you a lot of names, sir, any one of them really —

TRUMP: What’s the problem? Heather Nauert’s a woman, everyone knows her.

[Having cleaned the desk and put the box away, MEADOWS leaves briskly with the mirror.]

GRAHAM: Yes, because she was on Fox.

TRUMP: Also she was UN Ambassador.

GRAHAM: She wasn’t UN Ambassador. You talked about making her UN Ambassador and then you put in Jon Cohen.

TRUMP: You fuckers snuck him in! I didn’t even know what I was signing. You put something in my food.

GRAHAM: You put him in, sir. You remember —

TRUMP: But then I got Kelly in there. You didn’t squawk when I put her in.

BARR: Frankly, I didn’t even notice.

[MEADOW returns, put this cleaned mirror in the desk, steps three paces back and returns to grinning mindlessly.]

TRUMP: You know why she’s the Ambassador? Because she sucks a good dick, that’s why. She sucks dick like a pro.

GRAHAM: [Quietly] There is no need for that kind of language.

[BARR pulls out a rosary and starts praying quietly. TRUMP gets red in the face.]

TRUMP: They all sucked my dick. All of them. I got rid of that first one, Sison, because she wouldn’t do it. The Indian, I made her take it on the face like a whore. Fucking bitch, she had the same stupid look she always has, it was like jerking off on a magazine.

GRAHAM: None of this is true, sir.

TRUMP: Now, Heather, she could take a dick, I mean I fucked her everyplace, I loved to fuck her tits. Loooovved it. You ever notice — [waves hand at GRAHAM] why am I asking you. [To BARR, who is still telling his beads] You ever notice her tits, Bill? Huh? They’re beautiful, they're, they're stupendous, they just float there. You think they'd sag they’re so fat and thick and she had kids but they don’t, it’s like a miracle. And then you fuckers made me sign that paper and she went away! I called, I sent detectives, but she wouldn’t talk to me! Well, she’ll talk to me now! Meadows! Bring back the fucking box!

[MEADOWS cheerfully does so. BARR puts his rosary in his pocket.]

BARR: Amy Barrett, sir.

TRUMP: You keep saying that. She gonna fuck me?

BARR: No, sir.

TRUMP: Because she’s in that cult, right?

BARR: She's a good girl.

TRUMP: Don’t give me that shit. I fucked more Catholic girls that you’ve had meatball subs, ya fat gabagool.

[MEADOWS lays out the mirror and formula service.]

Alright, happy hour. Get Kayleigh in here, we gotta get ready to announce.

[TRUMP pours, starts chopping formula.]

Hey Mark, this box is empty, get some more from the lab.

MEADOWS: Yessir!

TRUMP: You fuckers don’t think I’m serious. Think you can fuck me around like a fucking puppet. God, I miss that fat-titted bitch. She could squeeze milk out a crowbar.

[TRUMP snort and, before he can take out the straw, collapses on the desk. He looks dead. BARR and GRAHAM look at each other, panicked.]

MEADOWS: [Still grinning] When the box gets low, see, sometimes I put something special in it. He never remembers.

[BARR and GRAHAM relax a bit. They approach the desk, lean over it, looking at TRUMP.]

GRAHAM: I wanna piss on him.

BARR: Hey, Mark, where’s the stamp?

[MEADOWS points. BARR goes into a drawer in the desk, pulls out a rubber stamp and pad, gets some papers out of his pocket, rubber stamps them, puts the stamp and pad back.]

Alright, let’s get out of here.

[BARR stars moving, then stops, notices GRAHAM is still leaning over the desk.]

Hey! C’mon!

[Finally GRAHAM joins him and they leave. MEADOWS picks up the drug paraphernalia.]

MEADOWS: [To TRUMP] Nighty night.

[Holding the paraphernalia in one hand, MEADOWS puts his fingers in TRUMP’s hair and pulls it back; it unravels, and most of it falls down one side, leaving a mostly bald pate that glows in the light. MEADOWS shakes off his fingers, then walks out, grinning even more broadly, leaving the slumped TRUMP as the CURTAIN falls.]