Public domain.
[Oval office. TRUMP as usual — maybe a little more saggy-faced — at the Resolute Desk. Wyoming Senator/Majority Whip JOHN BARRASSO, in a purplish-grey suit, stands before him.]
TRUMP: So that was good. Our people were in there beating hell out of Fauci.
BARRASSO: Oh, yes, sir.
TRUMP: Guy’s a fraud, you know. It’s good they got hold of his diary. Sensational. People go for that. They got any sex stuff in there? ‘cause I didn’t hear it at the, the thing.
BARRASSO: That’s not really, I’m not, Senator Paul has all of that.
TRUMP: I don’t want to talk to him. Something wrong with him. You can just tell. Like a smell he gives off. Like a box in a basement.
BARRASSO: Well, Senator Paul —
TRUMP: How come Thune’s not here?
BARRASSO: [After a beat] Well, as we talked about, sir, he has a very tight schedule with all the —
TRUMP: He’s gotta dick around Todd. I know, you know. Usual bullshit. We’ll get it done but not too long, OK, because we need Todd in there, for the thing we gotta do.
BARRASSO: Yes, Mr. President.
TRUMP: The election.
BARRASSO: Yes, sir.
TRUMP: You get it.
BARRASSO: I think so, sir.
TRUMP: Don’t be nervous. You never been here, I know.
BARRASSO: Actual— no, sir, I have not.
TRUMP: There’s no tape recorders. Nixon, they set him up, made it look like he taped himself. Disgusting. But I had guys go through the place. Russians. That’s who you get for that. Like a six sense.
BARRASSO: I see, sir.
TRUMP: You’re a doctor, right?
BARRASSO: Yes, sir.
TRUMP: You know Fauci’s full of shit, right?
BARRASSO: Yes, sir.
TRUMP: See, the doctors are with me. I don’t get why they can’t just pick him up.
BARRASSO: Well —
TRUMP: That’s why we gotta get Todd in there. He doesn’t give a shit. Anybody, boom, he’s in jail. Everyone else, it’s like they’re not listening.
BARRASSO: I understand.
[TRUMP leans heavily behind the desk; we hear a drawer opening, some fumbling, then a loud snort. The drawer closes. TRUMP reemerges.]
Wanna know something about Kash Patel? I tell him all the time, pick this guy up for me. Pick up that guy. Big names. Go do it. I say you’re the FBI, you can pick ‘em up. Don’t hear from him. Can’t find him. They say he’s drunk. But I know. I get him in here. Bug-eyed, can’t stand still. He acts like he can’t speak English. Talks like one of those Indian guys. [Puts his hands together.] Ah so! Berry good! Ah ah ah! I say arrest the guy! Arrest Shifty Shiff! Do what I’m tellin’ ya! Ah so! Berry good! And I know why. He’s scared.
[Small pause. TRUMP looks like he might sneeze but it passes.]
BARRASSO: Scared, sir?
TRUMP: It’s like when I got in the first time. They say they’re gonna do whatever I say. But they make excuses. Like the girls. Pam and Kristi. Women are like that. Lead you on. They did some stuff, other stuff they wouldn’t, you know. I told Kristi, leave a couple of those beaners in the road with a note. They’ll catch on. Yes, sir, she says. Never happened. Then they start killing white people, fucked it all up. Pam, I wanted her to be more like what Pirro does. I coulda made Pirro Attorney General but she’s got that horse face. It’s like the girls who’ll do what you want are always dogs. You ever notice?
BARRASSO: I think I do, sir
[TRUMP gets that sneezy look again, is silent.]
But, ah, Mr. President, to get to what you asked about earlier, Neil Armstrong is dead. And while I’m sure he was very rude at that gala and maybe what he did qualifies as assault, he died in 2012. And as for —
[BARRASSO notices TRUMP is wiggling in his seat. TRUMP slams a big red button on his desk several times; a distant siren is heard.]
VOICES IN THE HALL: Code blue! Code blue!
[BARRASSO jumps out of the way as several people in scrubs rush in with a beeping gurney, pull TRUMP onto it, stick a needle into one of his disfigured hands and an oxygen mask over his face, and start to wheel him out — but before they can leave TRUMP pulls off the mask and gestures to BARRASSO, who comes over.]
TRUMP: [Very slurred] Dweezil Zappa... get that fuck... Molly Ring-waaaaaaaa....
[A person in scrubs puts the mask back on TRUMP and he is hurriedly wheeled out.]
Just another day in the life of our Sleepy Emperor. (I will say that during Graham's funeral I was beyond amused that Marco Rubio was extolling Trump as "the president that never sleeps" as Trump was clearly fast asleep in his seat.)
it's a little tragic to say, but I am thankful for the few laughs I get here over today's political news.