Fake One for the Team

Why not you?

© 2015 CheepShot used under a Creative Commons license

Dear Patriots:

As Andrew Breitbart liked to say, politics is downstream of culture. So it’s no wonder Americans have succumbed to Biden-Soros socialism — why wouldn’t they, when the liberal commissars of cancel culture have made a Chernobyl of American arts?

Once America was an aesthetic powerhouse. We had endless Porky’s and Back to the Future sequels, Alex P. Keaton, and a Huey Lewis hit record every year. Now look how far we’ve fallen: Feminazi Star Wars, transgender TV shows, Billie Eilish.

As our QAnon brothers warned us, the leftist attacks begin with our children — hence their jihad on Mr. Potato Head and Dr. Seuss. In their Drag Queen Story Hours they preach “wokeness” and “anti-racism” and turn our own offspring against us. “Daddy,” they ask, “why do all the black people live in the part of town where Mommy speeds up the car and rolls up the windows?” And what am I going to tell them? They’re too young to read The Fountainhead.

Andrew knew the answer. He wanted us to be filmmakers, poets, musicians — artists— and make our own culture. I know we all look down on artists because most of them don’t make any money, but they’re only poor because they insist on making unpopular socialist art. When conservatives finally start making conservative art, it stands to reason we will get rich from it. Why should an art business be any different from a car dealership or a payday lender?

So rather than just write New York Times columns about the woke left’s latest assault on our cultural heritage, I say we turn it into an opportunity to do what Andrew asked of us.

You must have heard that the social justice warriors have come for Pepe LePew. Yes, because that charming French skunk — so charming that we didn’t even change his nationality during the early days of the Iraq War — sometimes gets a little fresh with the ladies, he has been labeled “rape culture” and denied his rightful place in the Space Jam sequel we've all been waiting 25 years for. (And don’t get me started on Lola Bunny!)

While I approve of the way some of you have stepped up with traditional conservative rapid response — columns, tweets, plans to dress in Pepe LePew costumes for your next abortion clinic protest — the time has come to go a step further, and create our own cheeky, flirtatious anthropomorphic character. If they won’t let us have Pepe, we’ll make an intellectual property they can’t take away from us!

Can’t draw? Doesn’t matter! As with the other kinds of businesses you’re familiar with, creating cartoon characters is mostly executive work now — you come up with a concept, then get some poor son-of-a-bitch to draft it. I’ll get us started with some concepts I’ve been working on:

• Harold the Horny Hornbill. (Pro: Can convincingly whistle at girls. Con: Not very huggable.)

• Cuddles the Kangaroo. (Pro: Will reminds parents nostalgically of Kangaroo Jack; also cute like Kanga and Roo, but all male! Con: When he’s aroused audiences may worry that he’ll become violent, punch/kick female to death.)

• Tommy the Turned-On Titmouse. (Pro: Cuddly, nothing to be frightened of, and we get “tit” in there which is always good for a laugh. Con: Size counts!)

That’s just for starters! DM me and we can set up some Zoom meetings and maybe talk about hiring some cartoonists —they’re cheap as hell and anyway, we can write them off on our taxes.