Hat trick at Mar-a-Lago
© 2016 Gage Skidmore, used under a Creative Commons license
[The great hall at Mar-a-Lago where, as seen in previous episodes, former president TRUMP receives visitors. TRUMP is on his giant gold-painted throne, raised on a dais, playing with his phone; his flunky JULIO stands nearby; there’s a bored-looking WAITER at one of the doors with a towel over his arm and, lurking in doorways, some SECRET SERVICE AGENTS. A golf cart rolls up and disgorges JARED KUSHNER, ex-presidential son-in-law, wearing one of his usual expensive suits except beige, and a Nick Fouquet hat. Driver waits in the cart. KUSHNER walks over to the bench at the foot of the dais and stands behind it, waiting for TRUMP to finish with his phone. When TRUMP does, he looks at KUSHNER.]
KUSHNER: Hi pop!
TRUMP: You look like a pimp.
KUSHNER: [Puzzled] What? But I’m not wearing — you mean the hat?
[Takes it off, looks at it, then at TRUMP.]
It’s Nick Fouquet.
TRUMP: It’s pronounced “fuck it.”
KUSHNER: Ha ha. No it’s not.
TRUMP: It’s effeminate.
KUSHNER: Tom Brady wears these. Is Tom Brady effeminate?
TRUMP: See, now that’s a surprise. The colored, I can see, but a guy like him.
[TRUMP starts to get up, which seems a little difficult for him; JULIO rushes to his side, watching him carefully.]
KUSHNER: Listen, you should tell your guests about Nick Fouquet, because a lot of the men here, I’ve seen them, they’re wearing the most awful, cheap knock-offs of these hats.
[TRUMP comes down the stairs, JULIO close behind, walks past KUSHNER and the bench.]
Actually it’s a great co-branding opportunity. They’ll love it!
TRUMP: Come over here, away from the people.
[JULIO hangs back; TRUMP takes a few extra steps; KUSHNER joins him,]
KUSHNER: So, how’s everything? You look good.
TRUMP: Number one, what did I say about calling me “pop”?
KUSHNER: Oh. Well, see, I thought that was for when you were president.
TRUMP: Walk a few more steps.
[They do, until TRUMP stops, speaks low to Kushner.]
Now, you think they can hear us?
[KUSHNER looks around, speaks low too.]
TRUMP: Ok, do you want to die?
KUSHNER: I’m sorry, I don’t follow.
TRUMP: Hey, Buster Brown, it’s even easier for me now, you know, because nobody’s paying attention. Trying all this financial bullshit on me like I’m Allen Stanford. If they find you at the bottom of an elevator shaft, nobody’s looking at me for that. Nobody will give a shit.
KUSHNER: Oh, well, look, I’m really, really sorry, sir.
KUSHNER: Mr. President. Really, sorry.
TRUMP: That’s more like it. How’s my little girl?
KUSHNER: Great. Well, you know, right, I mean she talks to you on the phone all the time.
TRUMP: She says she’s discontented.
KUSHNER: Well, you know, people don’t talk to us, so [Shrugs].
TRUMP: And why’s that? Huh? Not because of me. It’s you they don’t like. Everyone thinks you’re a piece of shit. She could come down here, right this minute, she’d be queen of Mar-a-Lago immediately, they ask about her all the time.
KUSHNER: Did you invite her?
KUSHNER: Did you invite her —
TRUMP: [Hot] What the hell kind of question is that? She can come down anytime she likes! I don’t have to ask! What the hell —
[TRUMP stops, looks around; beckons KUSHNER to follow him, starts to move, then stops, turns —to the staff:]
Everybody move back fifty feet.
[JULIO does so; the golf cart scoots up fifty feet; the WAITER leaves; the SECRET SERVICE AGENTS hold their positions. TRUMP turns to KUSHNER.]
Are you trying to be an asshole?
KUSHNER: Mr. President, honestly, I’m sorry, I came down here because you asked, I'm just here to help.
TRUMP: Yeah, good, because I got a thing. You heard about Flynn, what he said at the nutball convention.
KUSHNER: OK, is that where he said we should have a coup like they had in Myanmar?
TRUMP: He said something, the newspapers blew it up. But we’re gonna fix it. I got a few people from the team, they’re gonna say some stuff that’s basically the same as what Flynn said, and then when the press starts some shit, these guys will go, what, how dare you, I didn’t say any such a thing, you’re twisting my words — you know, the whole ball of wax. Then the people can decide whether they believe us, or the fake news. See?
KUSHNER: Great idea, sir.
[TRUMP reaches in his breast pocket, pulls out some paper, hands it to KUSHNER.]
TRUMP: OK, so here’s your bit.
KUSHNER: My — bit?
TRUMP: They’re gonna have another one of these things next week in, Idaho I think it is, don’t worry, we got a suite lined up for you. You’re gonna go out there as a special guest.
[KUSHNER is reading the paper with apparent disbelief.]
You’re the guy who fixed it with Israel. Everybody knows how great that went, right? We got a guy taping it, you’ll be on every news show.
KUSHNER: But pa— I mean, Mr. President, this is, oh my God, this is crazy! Like this here, um — “Lee Harvey Oswald had the right idea”? Didn’t he like actually kill Martin Luther King?
TRUMP: Kennedy. Kennedy is who he killed. And good riddance! He fucked up the Bay of Pigs.
KUSHNER: But that’s even worse! That means I’m saying kill the president! That is totally a major crime!
TRUMP: [Hotly, but without raising his voice] A crime, huh? A crime? What the fuck do you think we were doing in Washington for four years, Jared? The fucking New Deal? You got your prints all over some major, major shit, you little pussy, and if I go down you go down too. So here’s what's gonna happen: You go out to Bumfuck, you say this shit, we get Bannon or somebody to say it was all a mistake, and then we sit nice and quiet and wait for the dummies to go nuts and put us back in the White House. Capisce?
KUSHNER: [Nervously] OK, OK, OK...
[KUSHNER backs up toward the golf cart. TRUMP follows.]
I’ll do it but you know, you gotta let me make some changes, because you know me, I’m still a journalist at heart, I always have to tinker, I mean this doesn’t even sound like me, so —
[They’re at the cart. KUSHNER gets in. To the driver, urgently:]
Driver, let’s go back. Please. I’ll make it worth your while. Go now, please go now.
TRUMP: Just a second.
[TRUMP grabs the hat from KUSHNER, who flinches.]
I decided I like this thing. And when I want something I take it. You remember that.
[TRUMP bangs on the cart with the flat of his hand twice.]
OK, Enrique, vamos.
[The cart takes off with KUSHNER. TRUMP puts on the hat, walks toward the throne. To JULIO:]
How’s it look on me, Julio?
[The WAITER returns and heads toward TRUMP.]
JULIO: You want the truth?
TRUMP: Of course.
JULIO: It looks beautiful. Perfecto.
TRUMP: Yeah, I think it suits me.
WAITER: Mr. President, Vice-President Pence is on his way.
TRUMP: Great. Couple of Diet Cokes, Sammy. Make sure you got a warm one for Pence.
WAITER: Yes, sir.
[The WAITER leaves. TRUMP heads up to the throne; JULIO keeps close by him.]
TRUMP: You’re Catholic, aren’t you, Julio?
JULIO: Yes, Mr. President.
TRUMP: Well, don’t take what I’m gonna make Pence say too serious. It’s just politics.
JULIO: To me it’s you above the Pope, Señor.
TRUMP: Why can’t they all be like you, Julio?
[On his throne, TRUMP fiddles with his phone. SLOW FADE.]