Fill it to the rim

El Exigente approves

[A room in the White House that had apparently been used for storage — dim, dusty, with blackout curtains on the window, old furnishings in disarray. There’s a space cleared, though, and in that space is a small, three-step version of the platformed throne from the Throne Room at Mar-a-Lago. TRUMP sits on the throne, which has been outfitted with a wraparound tabletop like a 70s school desk, on which are placed a Diet Coke in a cupholder, his iPhone, and a bowl of The Formula. He is wearing a robe — not his usual fluffy white robe, but a thick midnight-blue one, which is short enough that we can see his swollen calves. He wears alligator slippers and appears to doze. A door creaks, momentarily letting in some hall light, and Secretary of Defense PETE HEGSETH and Secretary of State MARCO RUBIO enter. Pause.]

RUBIO: Mr. President, you wanted to see us? [Pause.] Mr. President?

HEGSETH: Ah, he’s out like a light. C’mon.

[HEGSETH turns to go.]

TRUMP: [Eyes still closed] Don’t go nowhere.

[HEGSETH freezes, spins around.]

RUBIO: I knew you were awake, sir. Awake and alert.

HEGSETH: Me too, I was only testing Little Marco, he said you were comatose.

RUBIO: I never said that.

TRUMP: Shut up.

[TRUMP weakly lifts his hand, revealing a coke spoon with which he shovels some Formula up to his nose and snorts. Disgustedly he shoves the spoon into the pile in the bowl.]

Got no kick. Mostly speed now. Ronny says I gotta lay off. Doctors always tell me to lay off but I outlive ‘em all. Outlived Bornstein. I had a little help there, though.

[A dusty noise resembling a laugh issues from TRUMP’s throat. He punches buttons on his iPhone.]

Listen, we’re gonna do the Cabinet show again tomorrow. I want you guys to be ready.

RUBIO: Sir, we have the Russians tomorrow.

TRUMP: Hey. What’s the matter with you? Supposed to be a secret.

RUBIO: [Gesturing to HEGSETH] It’s just the Secretary of War, sir.

TRUMP: [A little heated] I know who it is.

[The door creaks open again — a MARINE steps in.]

Gimme a cuppa coffee.

MARINE: Coffee, sir?

TRUMP: Coffee! Cof-fee! What’s the matter with you?

MARINE: Cream and sugar, sir?

TRUMP: Lotta sugar.

[The MARINE leaves, closing the door behind.]

Look. You guys gotta step it up in the meeting. You see how Kristi said I stopped the hurricanes? That’s the sort of thing people remember. Biden didn’t stop the hurricanes. Lincoln, Roosevelt, they didn’t stop hurricanes, not that I know of, anybody knows of. Maybe they did but it’s history so nobody remembers.

RUBIO: Sir, I don’t know how I can praise you better. I said you were transformative, I said —

TRUMP: Those are bullshit words. Transformative, nobody knows. Hurricane, that’s a good one. [Small pause.] So what you gonna say.

RUBIO: [Nervous] I, I could say you, stopped global warming, that you fixed it.

HEGSETH: [Sneering] Global warming’s fake, everybody knows that.

TRUMP: Hey, hey, everybody doesn’t know that. Nobody knows nothin’. They know anything, they know there’s no global warming, so it’s good if Marco says it’s because of me. That’s good, Marco. You say that.

RUBIO: Thank you, Mr. President.

[The MARINE returns with a silver tray bearing a service — pot, creamer, sugar bowl — and a cup and a spoon. He starts to take it up to TRUMP.]

RUBIO: I can take it up —

TRUMP: Let soldier boy do it. Don’t spill it, soldier boy.

[The MARINE gets the items onto the desk.]

You spill it we put you on a boat in Venezuela and sink it. Pete’s gonna sink it.

[The MARINE leaves, shuts door.]

It’s good now, they only have white Marines now. Pete, you’re up.

HEGSETH: Sir?

TRUMP: C’mon, Marco got the global warming thing, what are you gonna say?

HEGSETH: Well, you got me on the spot, sir. How about I tell them you hit the kill button on those drug boats?

TRUMP: Nice try. C’mon, think about it while I make my coffee. You got ten seconds.

[TRUMP pours cream and spoons, inadvertently, Fomula into the coffee.]

RUBIO: I never knew you to drink coffee, sir.

TRUMP: I don’t, it’s disgusting. But I gotta get back my pep. Haven’t had it in years so maybe if I drink it I get pep. OK, here goes nothin’.

[TRUMP drinks deeply. He freezes. Suddenly stands up. Appears to spit but nothing comes out. Shakes a little.]

TRUMP: Shit! It’s shit! Pah, argh, fuck, Jesus Christ —

[TRUMP freezes, looks at the service; suddenly he pours a bunch of Formula into the cup, then the rest of the coffee and a little cream, and guzzles that. He shakes his head like a dog drying off.]

Holy shit. Must be like a chemical reaction. Chemical Bank. The Chemistry is always right, that was the slogan. Lotta people don’t know that.

[TRUMP points at HEGSETH.]

You! Alright, here’s what, you’re gonna tell ‘em I fucked Betty Ford! Back when she was young and hot. Gerry Ford was a loser, didn’t win one election, I won three, you tell ‘em I fucked her, fucked his daughters too, Tricia Nixon and whatshername the ugly one! Tell ‘em what a great fucker I am, I got rocks right now. Tell ‘em that!

HEGSETH: Should, should I say “fucked,” Mr. President —

[TRUMP has lifted the coffee pot, holds it upside down, and is staring inside it. Hoarsely:]

TRUMP: Coffee! More coffee!

[TRUMP feels around for his phone, which he has apparently knocked off the desk. To HEGSETH:]

You get me coffee! Get me coffee now! NOW!

[HEGSETH dashes off. TRUMP is grabbing Formula by the handful and throwing it at his face.]

Maybe it’s the cream! I don’t know.

[TRUMP drinks cream from the creamer.]

RUBIO: [Repeatedly looking from TRUMP to the door; in a stage whisper] Sir, sir, listen, Hegseth’s disloyal, you know that, right. We, you have to get rid of him. Sir, listen, I have cables that can —

[TRUMP projectile vomits cream, stiffens, and topples forward to the floor, face-first, landing heavily and lying very still. The MARINE, holding a large silver urn, and HEGSETH enter. Pause. They all look at each other, then, tip-toeing backwards, they leave and shut to door. Long, long pause. Finally:]

TRUMP: Man, that’s coffee.