Forbidden Courses Revealed!

The straight poop from Bari Weissamatta U!

[Cf.]

I Know You’re Racist But What Am I?
Bo Snerdley

Counter any woke cancel culture snowflake’s claims of racism with this verbal jiu-jitsu (if it isn’t politically incorrect to call it that!) taught by former Rush Limbaugh associate Bo Snerdley. We start with all-occasion conversation stoppers like “Did you know in the Civil War the Democrats were for slavery,” move on to logic trees that translate any complaint about the behavior of white people toward black people into reverse racism, memorize 50 different punchlines for “while not technically ‘critical race theory,’ the book these teachers were fired for assigning was nonetheless [fill in the blank].” If all else fails, you can always tell wokesters that you took this class from a black person, which makes them the Real Racist.  

School Board Meeting Energy Flow Redirection Techniques
Christopher Rufo

Rufo has taught hundreds of operatives, most with no rhetorical training at all, how to take a calm discussion of stationery budgets and snow day management and turn it into a lively encounter group that gets principals fired, non-politically-motivated board members to resign in fear and disgust, and Republicans elected. Among Rufo’s counterintuitive methods: Instead of pretending to speak extemporaneously, make clear you’re reading off index cards, and when challenged say your accuser is an elitist who learned “fancy talk” at Harvard. Learn hi-signs that signal to police officers summoned to a disorderly meeting that you’re not the problem. Also: death threat scripts that get results.

Masculinity workshop
Senator Josh Hawley

The Manly Man from Missouri does more than just alert Americans to the leftist threat against manhood — in this class he also makes men so butch no leftist can turn them. Don’t worry, it’s not “Fight Club” — unless you mean intellectually! Hawley equips you with verbal manhood skills, such as pointing out the insufficient masculinity of one’s enemies and praising the rough-hewn strength of Donald Trump. Hawley will also share his personal hair care, nail care and moisturizer regimen for maximum muscularity. Bonus: Senator Ted Cruz stops by to discuss his makeover. Final lecture: “Empathy is Low-T.”

How to get dates after Roe repeal
Ben Shapiro

It’ll be a glorious day when abortion is made all-but-completely illegal in the United States — but for single conservative men it will also present a problem: America’s censorious woke cancel culture means men of the right are unfairly held responsible for the content of their social media posts, and many women will take your anti-abortion statements as an excuse to deny you the companionship and physical intimacy to which you are entitled. Cool Kid’s Philosopher Ben Shapiro runs you through lines of argument guaranteed to break down their resistance. Themes include “Having abortion legal in only a handful of blue states makes it more exclusive like an Ivy League degree, isn’t that something you elitists like, by the way did you know I went to Harvard” and “I’ll make you so happy with my good loving that you won’t want to kill my baby.” Practice your lines on AOC impersonator Ava Martinez.

Bill Curve Caliper Clinic
Andrew Sullivan

“If the skull don’t fit, diversity is shit!” Britain’s and America’s foremost Just-Questions-Asker engages some black people, hidden behind a curtain, in Socratic dialogues, then guesses their skull sizes. Learn his secrets! Fun at parties, and a useful resume-padding skill for applicants to Quillette and Imprimis.