Fred Friendly fire

Another reporter is punished for telling the truth and Received Opinion is ON IT

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Audible jangling of last nerves. On the screen behind UPRIGHT: A limited action cartoon loop of — screen left — Trump, yelling into an iPhone while patting the head Presidential advisor/Nazi Stephen Miller, shrunken to child size and wearing a Buster Brown outfit, while — screen right — journalist Terry Moran, a “press” pass in his hatband, is ejected from a building marked ABC NEWS.]

Plenty of news as always, but our top story tonight has to do with a fellow journalist who, unlike those of us at Received Opinion, refused to maintain his journalistic objectivity in social media. ABC News’ Terry Moran posted the following tweet —

[Insert:]

I’m not going to read it here, as our employers have determined that reading anything longer than a sentence makes viewers switch to wrestling.

[Camera back to UPRIGHT.]

But the main thing is Moran spoke harshly of a Presidential advisor, which is apparently grounds for suspension and investigation by his employers — that is, by ABC News, from which the Trump administration extorted a $15 million settlement in December, and their parent company Disney, which is under investigation by the Trump administration for “DEI,” which stands for Too Nice to Black People.

[UPRIGHT looks offscreen, squints.]

Talk to my union rep, Paul.

[UPRIGHT returns his attention to the camera.]

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt demanded Moran be suspended, so he was. Now let’s go see how Peoni and Chafe at the Decision Desk cover themselves in glory over this.

[Sound of windshield wipers in hell. UPRIGHT strolls to the Decision Desk, where sit regulars PEONI DOYENNE — wearing a Brunello Cucinelli silk ethnic print organza belted dress with shiny strap and Bottega Veneta gold stretch lace-up sandals — CHAFE DRAMATURGY – wearing a Richard James navy double-faced seersucker suit, a Bottega Veneta crushed poplin button-down shirt with a Beggco wispy blue Hanover Square cashmere scarf-tie and white Keds — and what appears to be a life-size inflated morphsuit made to look like former panelist BUFF TOEHOLD.]

UPRIGHT: Jesus! Excuse me. Buff? Is that you in there?

DOYENNE: We’ve been trying for the longest time to find out! But whoever’s inside there refuses to talk.

UPRIGHT: Oh. Well, I guess when we come around to interview whoever it is it will be a delightful surprise. Peoni, let’s start with you. You probably think what I had to say at the top of the show was very unprofessional and biased.

DOYENNE: Of course I do, Bolt, but only because you were so crude about it. Have you been drinking, may I ask?

UPRIGHT: You know I have, Peoni!

[Both chortle.]

DOYENNE: Well, number one, I sincerely suggest you switch to gin — I recommend The Botanist, and I am not being paid to endorse them — and second, if you’re going to cast a critical shadow on a Washington insider, you have to be more… what’s the word I want?

UPRIGHT: Passive-aggressive?

DOYENNE: Well, alright, yes, why not! Maybe say, for example, that the President had leverage, and, you know, instead of saying he “extorted” ABC, which is very uncivil, you say something about eyebrows being raised, unprecedented but bold, you must add bold, give the viewers an option to see it as bold instead of, you know, um —

UPRIGHT: Extortion?

DOYENNE: [Laughing] Oh, blast, Bolt! I tell you if I’m going to keep doing Sunday shows I’m going to need a later start time. I’m just no good before eleven!

UPRIGHT: You’re a treasure, Peoni, never change. OK, Chafe, what have you got? Oh, you forgot to tie your tie.

DRAMATURGY: That’s how this is worn, Bolt. It’s called “wispy.”

[UPRIGHT and DOYENNE explode with laughter.]

It’s a very popular style.

UPRIGHT: [Collecting himself] My mistake, Chafe. Now, tell me how Terry Moran got what was coming to him.

DRAMATURGY: Now, Bolt, I wouldn’t say that! Though suspending reporters for their tweets is not unprecedented. There was Felicia Sonmez, who was suspended for her post about Kobe Bryant.

UPRIGHT: Which was stupid.

DRAMATURGY: And David Weigel, who was suspended for tweeting a sexist joke.

UPRIGHT: Oh, Jesus Christ.

DOYENNE: Of all things. When I was a girl reporter —

DRAMATURGY: All I’m saying is the boss has to do it, it has nothing to do with whether the post is accurate or even incisive. I mean, let’s face it, Stephen Miller is as legitimate a target as you can imagine. He’s a proven white nationalist, for one thing.

UPRIGHT: Whoa!

DRAMATURGY: It’s true! His personal history is just one offensive comment or action after another. He’s really one of the most unpleasant, not to say repulsive people on Washington, behaviorally and physically. No one likes him, not even his own family — hell, his own wife sided with Elon Musk —

[A cry comes from the morphsuit. It thrashes; a hand tears through, then another, and finally it tears away completely to expose STEPHEN MILLER, wearing his traditional SS-officer outfit.]

DRAMATURGY: Ha ha, I knew it!

DOYENNE: I had a hunch it was him.

DRAMATURGY: [To MILLER] It didn’t take much to flush you out, did it, Stevie? I knew you’d —

[MILLER leaps to his feet, shrieks.]

MILLER: Silence! Schweigen! How dare you! How dare you speak this way of an officer of the Reich! You are guilty of the highest treason imaginable! Treason, you hear! You filthy, disgusting — dis — you —

[MILLER suddenly stops, claws at his collar.]

I — I cannot catch — my breath —

[MILLER looks at the shards of his costume.]

The man — at Party City — he said it was safe –

[MILLER staggers, falls to the floor. DOYENNE and DRAMATURGY stand up, but no one moves to help him.]

Lies! Lies! Unless —

[MILLER looks at UPRIGHT, DRAMATURGY, and DOYENNE, points:]

— you! You tampered! You give me poison gas!

UPRIGHT: Ironic, when you think about it.

MILLER: Wo ist mein Secret Service?

UPRIGHT: [Shrugs] Probably out having a smoke. Even they can’t stand to be around you.

[MILLER emits a strangled cry and appears to pass out. DRAMATURGY and DOYENNE sneak away; UPRIGHT addresses the camera.]

We might be a little late coming back, folks. Enjoy the extra corporate ads. When we return, we’ll have quote unquote border czar Tom Homan threatening public officials with arrest, probably. And who knows? Maybe I’ll resign, because really, who needs it.

[UPRIGHT walks off. Pseudo-heroic music played by beating bloated corpses with truncheons. Three SECRET SERVICE AGENTS charge onto the set and stand around the prone MILLER, facing out, as if to prevent further harm; one makes a phone call. The camera remains on them, but they seem not to be aware; eventually they relax, and walk in little circles; one of them nudges MILLER with the toe of his shoe.]