LIGHTS, CAMERA, CULTURE WAR!

From National Review:

Santorum’s Storytelling
As head of a Christian movie studio, he aims to change the culture... 

In June, [Rick] Santorum became CEO of EchoLight Studios, which produces Christian films. Santorum, who changed his own views on abortion as an adult, believes that if conservatives wish to gain converts, they must look not only to politics but also to the culture. 

“We’re losing this debate not because of politics,” Santorum told attendees last Saturday at the Family Leadership Summit in Ames, Iowa, the second annual gathering of the group by the same name. “Politicians didn’t change the culture — the popular culture changed America"... 

Santorum offers The Passion of the Christ as an example of a well-made movie that was also Christian. Other movies he cites as models of what he hopes to produce at EchoLight are Ben-Hur and The Song of Bernadette. “You used to have all sorts of movies that were very authentic in their Christian message, and it was mainstream Hollywood that made them,” Santorum remarks. “That has disappeared in the last 40 or 50 years.”

Coming soon from Santorum Studios:

The Song of K-Lo. In the 1990s, when all the other children in her small town of Chelsea, N.Y. are doing ecstasy and having sex, Kathryn Jean stays in her room studying the Holy Bible and Commentary.  One day she is visited there by a beautiful lady who glides around the room and tells her to write conservative essays. All the children and even the adults all laugh at her, but Kathryn Jean sticks steadfastly to her task and eventually ascends into an editorial job at National Review. In a touching coda, it is revealed that the beautiful lady was actually Rollerena.

God's Florist. In a dystopian future, America has gone totally gay; straight couples who dare walk hand-in-hand endure vile taunts by bitchy homosexuals, and come home to find their homes redecorated;  by government decree, all children must spend their 16th summer in The Castro; Hooters has been replaced by a new chain called The Meat Rack. The only citizen who will stand up to the pink tide is a brave florist who refuses to provide services to same-sex weddings. His righteous example sparks a revolution, and the gays, encouraged by savage beatings, flee the country, freeing men to triumphantly pat each other's asses without feeling self-conscious about it, and women to procreate and do laundry. Screenplay by Elizabeth Scalia.

The Palin of the Christ. Guilty only of patriotism, Sarah Palin is dragged from the Republican National Convention to the court of the liberal media. When asked, "What is truth?" she replies, "Well if you don't know I sure as heck ain't gonna tell ya, Four Eyes." Palin is made to run a gauntlet of Fox News programs and personal appearances until finally she perishes on Facebook. But political death is not the end, and Palin rises again at CPAC, where she is hailed as a goddess by an army of radio hosts who preach her Gospel to the world. "Well," says the risen Palin, "it just shows to go ya."

UPDATE. Oh my, commenters have outdone themselves with their own Santorum Studios movie pitches. There's Jeffrey_Kramer's Chuck Norris Facts: The Movie! ("So Chuck tips his cowboy hat, leaves, and fucks a sheep so hard he sets it on fire"); DocAmazing's Dennis Praeger Superstar ("about a Jewish kid who becomes popular by Speaking Truth to Power and is eventually betrayed by a ghostwriter who insists on his speaking in full sentences"); Diddler on the Roof ("A big song number is 'Sedition!'") from tigrismus; zencomix's Santorum and Delilah ("Eventually Santorum tells Delilah that he will lose his strength with the loss of his sweater vests"); and JayB's Black like My Friend the Black, "based on a true story Megan McArdle heard from a black person on a bus." But really, they're all winners.