Gov. Greg Abbott signed into law Wednesday a measure that would prohibit in Texas abortions as early as six weeks — before some women know they are pregnant — and open the door for almost any private citizen to sue abortion providers and others...
The bill bans abortions after a fetal heartbeat has been detected. It includes cases where the woman was impregnated as a result of rape or incest...
Instead of having the government enforce the law, the bill turns the reins over to private citizens — who are newly empowered to sue abortion providers or anyone who helps someone get an abortion after a fetal heartbeat has been detected. The person would not have to be connected to someone who had an abortion or to a provider to sue.
Proponents of the new law hope to get around the legal challenges that have tied up abortion restrictions in the courts. While abortion providers typically sue the state to stop a restrictive abortion law from taking effect, there’s no state official enforcing Senate Bill 8 — so there’s no one to sue, the bill’s proponents say.
The Give Implantation a Chance Act
Bill would prohibit heterosexual intercourse during the woman’s period and other days calculated to minimize the possibility of conception. Private citizens are deputized to obtain accurate menstrual charts from local couples and to peep in windows, plant bugs in residences, determine whether vans are “a-rockin’,” etc. to see that the law is being obeyed.
The Life-Force Misdirection Prevention Act
Bill would require all heterosexual acts, including those between married couples, to result in at least 5 cc of sperm entering the uterus. If semen is discharged without uterine access, participants must re-engage sexually as soon as is practicable to meet the requirement before resuming normal activities. Men in heterosexual relationships who have a low sperm count, and women who are sterile, may apply for exemptions to be considered by citizen boards known as Fecundity Councils, with the understanding that they may be required to adopt Mexican babies, captured at the border as part of the state’s Illegal Heathen Reform Program, to retain their sexual access permissions.
The Pregnancy Promotion Act
Bill would establish a Pregnancy Promotion Fund that will devise and disseminate education programs, public service campaigns, and other outreaches to promote childbearing activities and compliance. Appropriate messages would be spread through various media at junior high schools, health fairs, and prisons, and through a statewide advertising campaign: “Life — it’s not just a beautiful choice, it’s the law.”
The Availability to Childbearing Enforcement Act
Because employment of women outside the home severely reduces women’s opportunities for, and interest in, procreative sex leading to childbirth, Bill would require businesses wishing to employ women to prove to the satisfaction of a Texas district court judge that any position for which a woman is being considered could not be performed by an available man, or else pay a “gene pool tax,” revenues from which will be directed to the Pregnancy Promotion Fund. Automatic exemptions will be available to pregnancy counseling centers, strip clubs, and Republican political committees.
The True Purpose Act
To support the Availability to Childbearing Enforcement Act, Bill would prohibit higher education of women, except in fields that tend to promote marriageability, fecundity, and homemaking, such as Spirituality, Christian education, and Dance. Exemptions are also made for appropriate sub-specialties; for example, women can enter a languages program, so long as they only study Tongues.
The Universal Female Slavery Act
Bill would just cut to the chase.