Get out of my chair

A tribute from one son of Queens to another

[The Oval Office. It looks like some moving has been done. One of the sofas is missing and in its place is Archie Bunker’s chair from All in the Family. TRUMP is sitting in it and playing with his phone, occasionally going “stifle.” He is also wearing Archie Bunker’s hat. Eventually White House Chief of Staff MICK MULVANEY enters; a few paces in he stops short, stunned; then he slowly moves into TRUMP’s line of sight.]

TRUMP: [Cheerful, though of course not smiling] Hey Mick!

MULVANEY: [Carefully] Mr. President. What. Is this.

TRUMP: Whattaya mean, what is it? It’s Archie Bunker’s chair! I had them send it over from the Smithsonian.

MULVANEY: Oh. Who signed off on this?

TRUMP: I did.

MULVANEY: [Dawning panic] You did? You signed something?

TRUMP: Relax, Mick. I didn’t sign anything. What kind of a dope do you think I am? I got Rand Paul to sign for it.

MULVANEY: Rand Paul? But how?

TRUMP: Called him up, said, “Hey Rand, you know Vlad’s very angry with you. Thinks you’re doing a crummy job. Maybe another one of your neighbors is gonna come pay you a visit.” He starts crying and begging. What a sissy. You know he’s only four feet tall? Like the guy was on The Wild Wild West, Dr. Loveless, only with a wig.

MULVANEY: Not my favorite.

TRUMP: When people find out what’s going on in Kentucky they’re gonna plotz.

MULVANEY: They’re not going to find out.

TRUMP: Could go either way!

MULVANEY: Sir, if you’re not having one of your spells, can you tell me why you have this chair in here?

TRUMP: For inspiration. You know, this racism stuff — I’ve been doing it a long time, and I’ve had some luck with it, but lately, I don’t know, I feel like I’ve lost the knack. Like it’s not fun, the Baltimore thing. So I go back to Archie Bunker. You know I used to do a good Archie Bunker impersonation. Lookit this here. [Makes the weird faces he made during the 2016 campaign that, come to think of it, look like faces Archie Bunker might have made.]

MULVANEY: Okay.

TRUMP: And listen to this: [Archie Bunker voice] “England is a fag country! [Gets up, mimes action] Ain’t they still pickin’ handkerchiefs outta their sleeve, huh? Ain’t they still standin’ around leanin’ on them skinny umbrellas like this here? The whole society’s based on a kind of a fagdom!” [Sits down.] Whattaya think?

MULVANEY: Uncanny, sir.

TRUMP: I just get a kick out of it, you know? And when I get a kick out of it, that’s when it hits. Like when I was talking about the Mexicans being rapists, I was doing it like Archie, and they ate it up. They didn’t laugh because, well, they took it seriously, but they were also sort of in on the joke, like it was serious but not really. Like they were Archie’s little cheering section. That’s what I want, I want to get back to that.

[JARED KUSHNER enters, seems a little taken aback at the scene.]

KUSHNER: You sent for me, pop?

TRUMP: [Loud] Heya, meathead! Ya got a permanent case of hot pants.

KUSHNER: ...what?

TRUMP: Where’s my little goil, hah? Ya shtupping her? [To MULVANEY, quieter] You notice I don’t swear when I do this, I use the Jew words instead. Old comedy trick.

MULVANEY: Very family-friendly, sir.

KUSHNER: [Nervously laughing] What is this? Is this to do with the hat? Is it like a boomer thing?

TRUMP: Hey meathead, here’s one for your Saudi Ay-rab friends. Why do they call camels the ship of the desert? ‘Cause they’re full of Ay-rab semen! Get it? Seamen? Geez, what a meathead this kid is.

KUSHNER: [Frosty] That’s no way to talk about our partners, Pop. I don’t think MBS would be happy to hear that kind of talk.

TRUMP: [Starting to get mad, starts out like Archie Bunker but quickly turns to enraged Trump] Aw geez, what the hell’s wrong with you, haah? You can’t take a goddamn joke? [Gets up, starts storming around] Goddamnit it, this is why I can’t get my groove back. I’m surrounded by idiots! I gotta tell you, as a straight man you’re no Bud Abbott! You’re not even Regis Philbin! How the fuck am I supposed to work with stupid cocksuckers like you? Huh? How the fuck can I be funny?

[TRUMP goes to a sideboard and gets out his Dr. Bornstein Alzheimer’s medicine/cocaine.]

MULVANEY: Watch out, sir, standards and practices will be on our tail.

[TRUMP takes a massive hit.]

KUSHNER: Standards and practices? Is that a Congress thing?

[TRUMP falls backward and smacks into the sideboard, sending it toppling against the wall; he starts thrashing and stumbling around, making little noises through clenched teeth like he’s having electroshock; his face turns bright red.]

KUSHNER: [Heading to the door] Oooh, sundown alert.

MULVANEY: [Heading to the door] Lunch break!

[They leave. TRUMP thrashes a bit more, then slumps over to the chair, collapses into it; a chair leg gives way, sending him tumbling forward so his face is mashed into the floor. Pause; only his heavy breathing and the faint, distant sound of Secret Serviceman laughing is heard. Finally there is silence, and then, through a mouthful of carpet, TRUMP singing:]

TRUMP: Boy the way Glenn Miller played
Songs that made the Hit Parade
Guys like us we had it made
Those were the days

[CURTAIN.]