Getting the bland back together

Now a word from Mitt "Reasonable Republican" Romney

© 2016 Gage Skidmore used under a Creative Commons license

It is well known that Donald Trump was not my choice for the Republican presidential nomination. After he became the nominee, I hoped his campaign would refrain from resentment and name-calling, except for my name, which he did call soon after the election, and which call I answered, but instead of the post of Secretary of State he gave me an embarrassing photo opportunity — an ominous sign for our nation.

Nonetheless, as a fair-minded person with a long history of public service and the experience needed to get America moving again, I resolved to give this new president a chance. I found myself approving of his appointments, executive actions, proposed legislation, policies, initiatives, agreements, summits, outreaches, proclamations, and memoranda. Indeed, he did nothing in the non-public-behavioral line that I wouldn’t have done myself if the greater percentage of the voting public that I won in 2012 had been enough to elevate me to the Presidency, an office which, were I to have the honor of holding it, I would treat with the great respect, dignity, and tenderness it deserves.

Yet despite doing everything I would have done (except for the way he does it, about which more in a moment), this President has left the nation a disunited mess. His economic policies, which are classic Republican policies and administered by anyone else would have been brilliantly successful, have wrecked our fiscal foundation. His foreign policy, likewise sound in every particular except the name mentioned in connection with them, has alienated our allies at an unfortunate time. His social policies are also right in keeping with Republican orthodoxy, yet they have led to a divided, resentful and angry nation, for which the only possible explanation is the President’s demeanor. He has been divisive and, furthermore, thoughtless. If only the voters had known that about him before they elected him!

Also, when this president talks about God, no one believes him, because he doesn't mean it and can hardly be bothered to pretend that he does. Listen to how I talk about God: I believe we should respect the dignity of every child of God. I believe in strong churches. I myself belong to a church which some of you may find strange, but none of you can deny is indeed a church, and what’s more it’s a wealthy church, which promotes it from “strange” to “exotic.” Also I talk about the American spirit. President Trump has never even used the word spirit, to my knowledge, except when his handlers told him to use it to refer to the non-existent enthusiasm of Republican voters in the midterms, of which he recently made an unprecedented debacle.

I am in favor of unions and a free press, and against racism, sexism, and anti-immigrantism, and I look forward to working with Mitch McConnell on this. Watch for me in mainstream media op-eds and on Sunday morning talk shows and other high-profile, low-viewership events, slowly and subtly inoculating you with my reassuringly bland presence until one day you realize every political commentator on cable has been repeatedly mentioning my name in the same breath as Thomas Dewey’s and Adlai Stevenson’s so it doesn’t even seem weird when I talk about how I never wanted to run again but will humbly bow to the will of the public. Also, God.