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[A zoom meeting with six squares: Five are occupied by REP. MATT GAETZ, REP. MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE (who sips frequently from a big travel mug), REP. LAUREN BOEBERT, REP. JAMES COMER, and SENATOR RAND PAUL; the sixth square is as yet dark.]
GREENE: Hey Rand, can you hear me? Rand? Rand!
BOEBERT: He can hear you, he’s just a little snobby.
GREENE: Yeah, Prince Paul. He’s like royalty.
PAUL: [Mildly] How are you, ladies. I can hear you.
GREENE: Rand Paul doesn’t hang out with people from the House. He’s a Senator!
BOEBERT: That’s right.
COMER: C’mon, Rand’s alright. Hey Rand. Matt, how’re you.
GREENE: Somebody better warn Senator Paul that we have people in Kentucky too. There’s a fella there named Whitney Westerfield in the state senate or whatever they got there and he’s standing up for life no matter what the voters say!
BOEBERT: Yeah! RINOs watch out!
COMER: Listen, guys, I –
[The dark square flickers on, revealing VLADIMIR PUTIN, wearing a grey-and-cream track suit with three thin gold chains around his neck and an earpiece, with an INTERPRETER wearing a suit, sitting at his side and speaking to PUTIN, though he’s inaudible to the others unless he’s translating his words for them. GAETZ applauds.]
GREENE and BOEBERT: HOORAAAAAAY WOO HOO!
COMER: Mr. President, hello, dosvedanya, good to see you. thanks for coming.
INTERPRETER: Thank you, thank you, wonderful to see I have friends in the United States.
GREENE: We love you!
BOEBERT: Wooo hooo!
INTERPRETER: I see our good friend Senator Paul is here, which is a pleasure to see.
PAUL: Hello, Mr. President. It’s wonderful to say that, “Mr. President,” and feel proud to say it instead of ashamed.
GREENE: Amen to that, rug-head!
BOEBERT: Woo hoo!
PAUL: I bring the President greetings from my colleague Ron Johnson, who is taking care of a sick friend. He asked me to tell you that, even though they can’t say so because of the terrible censorship in this country, that the President still has many friends in the upper chamber, even more than in 2018.
COMER: Well said, Senator.
GREENE: [Nerd voice] “Upper chamber” [makes fart noise]
GAETZ: Mr. President, Representative Matt Gaetz here, big fan for many years and I just want to say, no offense to the Senator but I think you’ll find an even warmer welcome in the House of Representatives, sir.
BOEBERT: WOO HOO!
INTERPRETER: That is my understanding as well, and I want to say how flattering that is because the House of Representatives, with no offense to the Senate, but the House of Representatives is like the Duma, truly the People’s House.
GREENE and BOEBERT: HOORAAAAAAY WOO HOO!
COMER: Senator, I guess that means you have to step up your game.
PAUL: We’re trying, we’re trying.
INTERPRETER: And we also want to commend Representative Gaetz for introducing his bill that would get United States government to stop meddling in the internal affairs of my country and its satellites.
GAETZ: Mr. President, I’m just so honored that you noticed that. Thank you, sir.
INTERPRETER: You are aware that President Biden has been in contact with the rebels —
GREENE and BOEBERT: BOOOOOOOOO!
INTERPRETER: — and this stunt is confusing to voters. It would be a great thing, of course, if the House of Representatives could stand up to him, but I understand your leadership is divided.
GREENE: [In Barney Fife mode] Mr. Putin, Mr. Putin? Marge Greene here, yeah, we got us a lot of RINOs in charge right now who are just too chickenshit to whip votes for Matt’s bill.
COMER: Mr. President, what Representative Greene fails to note is, a lot of our members come from communities where — and this is no fault of yours, Mr. President, or of your great nation, which the Republican Party has always loved — but the voters in some of our districts, they’re not accustomed to think of the Russian people as their friends, because for years the warmonger Democrats have twisted up the facts so much with their Cold War and their McCarthyism.
GREENE: McCARTHY! That’s the son of a bitch! Speaker SHITHEAD! BOOOO!
[GREENE stands, which puts her upper body out of frame, but we can see her giving the thumbs-down, and that below the waist she’s wearing only bikini bottoms.]
COMER: Goddamnit, Marge, drink some goddamn coffee and put some pants on!
[GREENE flops down in her chair, drinks deeply from the travel mug.]
Mr. President, please understand, it may take some time to even get a bill like this to a floor vote.
INTERPRETER: As the leader of a democracy much inspired by your own, I understand the problem. But I think here I can be of some help. I have other friends in the United States, in the area of business and social media, who can explain to the people of your country how they have been misled by the government; and my understanding is that they are so popular and so respected that their efforts will certainly make a change in how the people feel. One of these friends has arranged to join us here tonight. A moment.
[Suddenly a new square, as big as four of the current ones, squeezes the others out of the way, and in it appears ELON MUSK, wearing a track suit identical to PUTIN’s. BOEBERT and GREEN shriek and expose their breasts.]
MUSK: One word for all of you: “The Ukraine Files.”
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