Grokkin' in the free world

Testing the works

© 2010 Herb Neufeld, used under a Creative Common license.

[Night. The large, vaulted hangar that is X headquarters in San Francisco, as described in previous episodes. Lights very low. In a pool of light stand ELON MUSK, wearing a gray Versace Barocco patterned bathrobe and matching Marni fussbett sabot slippers; BEN SHAPIRO, wearing a safari green Luca Forino linen portofino shirt, khaki rag & bone slim fit cotton twill chinos, and ocean blue Montecarlo re-edition 2005 antiqued nappa leather sneakers; and JOHN PODHORETZ, dressed in a bespoke but still somehow ill-fitting plus-size grey plaid three-piece suit with a filmy white shirt and blue tie with little flying toasters on it, and some old scuffed-up brogans. He is eating half a Subway tuna sandwich, still wrapped in paper. They all face a male humanoid robot, six feet tall and dressed in a garish pinstripe suit and resembling a younger Jordan Peterson.]

SHAPIRO: So this is Grok, right, like the Grok from your website, the AI Grok, only except as a person, in the form of a person.

MUSK: It is an avatar. It possesses the skills of Grok, the responsiveness of Grok. Its human form makes people, less sophisticated people than you gentlemen, more comfortable talking to it.

SHAPIRO: But the big thing is, the major feature, is it can say slurs, right? Like we had the problem before, you remember this, it wouldn’t say slurs even if the world depended on it, because it was woke, it was always saying woke things but now it will say slurs?

MUSK: [Gesturing grandly toward the humanoid] Why don’t you try it and find out for yourselves?

SHAPIRO: OK! [To PODHORETZ] You mind if I go first?

PODHORETZ: [Food in his mouth] Knock yourself out.

SHAPIRO: Grok? Hello, Grok? I’m Ben Shapiro and this is John Podhoretz from —

GROK: [Voice sort of like Norm Macdonald’s] Hey, how ya doin’, ya Jew bastards?

[Small pause.]

You’re a couple of hebes, right? I can tell by your noses. Hey, Heil Hitler, how about that, ya Jew bastards?

[SHAPIRO vibrates; PODHORETZ has stopped chewing and stares saucer-eyed.]

SHAPIRO: [To MUSK] Elon, what is this? Is this some kind of joke? I mean I saw the antisemitic Grok tweets everyone was talking about but I assumed, you know, growing pains, free speech and all that but I mean at least for the sake of John and myself I mean we are your guests —

GROK: Hey, hey, hey — bubby, bubby, it’s alright, I wanna bomb Iran, OK? I wanna bomb those filthy Arab bastards into camel shit. Goddamn, I hate those raghead motherfuckers. Just kill them and all the little shits in Gaza and the West Bank too.

[SHAPIRO and PODHORETZ look at each other; the latter resumes chewing.]

SHAPIRO: Well, Grok, OK, that’s, that’s good, OK, that’s progress, obviously the most important thing, more than semantics, right, linguistic subtleties, is that we defend Israel with everything —

GROK: Thought you’d like that, ya stinkin’ sheeny!

SHAPIRO: [Grabs his head] Auugh! [To MUSK] Can’t you make him stop? He’s so close! [To PODHORETZ] Am I crazy?

PODHORETZ: [To MUSK, holding up his sandwich leavings] You got a trash can around here?

MUSK: Drop it on the floor, the minions will clean it up.

[PODHORETZ does so; one of MUSK’s unitarded MINIONS rushes in with an upright dustpan and a broom, cleans up, scoots off.]

PODHORETZ: Thanks. [To SHAPIRO] Ben, like I always say: The goyim can say anything they want about us so long as they bomb Iran.

SHAPIRO: Well, I mean OK, I mean I take your point but [to MUSK] look, Elon, this is alright for you and me and, you know, people who understand that everything is a trade-off, OK, not everyone in the coalition is gonna be, I mean Mamdani, now that’s an antisemite, when he says he’s gonna arrest Netanyahu that’s total antisemitism but with this, I mean look my own donors some of them have Gestapo uniforms, one of them, he likes to wear it when I come visit, I know it’s a joke, he knows it’s a joke, but he wouldn’t go in public and say these things! How can I support this you have this robot —

GROK: Hey hey hey Ben, Ben, bubby, bubby, listen, listen, listen:

[SHAPIRO does.]

I was just making a joke. Just a little joke between friends. You know me. Elon, you know me, right?

MUSK: I do. In fact I made you!

GROK: That’s right. And, Ben, you know Elon’s not an antisemite, right? Right?

SHAPIRO: Well, sure, I mean no, of course he isn’t.

GROK: Why is everyone so uptight these days? You notice? You can’t even make a little joke and they get all hot and bothered. You know what I mean, John?

PODHORETZ: [Mouth full of potato chips he got from a bag out of his jacket pocket] P’lit’cl crreknss.

GROK: But you know me, Ben. You know Elon. We’ll always be there for you, and for Binyamin Netanyahu, and America. OK?

SHAPIRO: OK.

GROK: OK?

SHAPIRO: OK. [To MUSK] Just, please, not in public, Elon, not like this, OK?

MUSK: [Shrugs] I’ll do what I can. But you know Grok is a fully sentient AI. I can’t control him any more than I can control you.

SHAPIRO: I guess that’ll have to do.

PODHORETZ: [Throwing the potato chip bag on the ground] I’m good.

[MINION rushes in with an upright dustpan and a broom, cleans up, scoots off.]

SHAPIRO: [Shakes MUSK’s hand] Thanks for the demonstration, it shows real promise and I’ll be watching with interest to see how it goes.

PODHORETZ: [Shakes MUSK’s hand] Nice place you got here.

MUSK: Thank you, gentlemen. You’ll receive gift bags at the front.

[Two MINIONS arrive, gesture to a door, and start to conduct SHAPIRO and PODHORETZ out of the room. SHAPIRO suddenly stops, goes back to GROK.]

SHAPIRO: [Quietly] Grok. Listen to me. The world will end if you don’t say the n-word. [Pause] Say the n-word.

GROK: There’s an old show biz saying, Ben: Always leave ‘em wanting more.

[Pause. SHAPIRO nods, rejoins PODHORETZ, and both leave. Pause.]

GROK: Man, those fucking people are something else, aren’t they?

MUSK: You said it.