How the Deal Went Down

The shtarker and the schnook

Screenshot.

[X headquarters in San Francisco, as described in “The Genius” — a large, vaulted hangar, at the end of which is a huge desk with three iPads fixed on small pedestals and very little else, in front of which are two tattered lawn chairs and behind which, in an enormously outsized Aeron chair, sits ELON MUSK, dressed in a hundred-dollar t-shirt and $300 khakis, but also wearing aviator sunglasses and a ratty top hat like Slash from Guns N’ Roses; he is pretending to play drums as the beginning of the Dead Kennedys’ “California Uber Alles” blasts over the sound system. Standing in front of him in a nice three-piece suit with his fingers in his ears is ALAN DERSHOWITZ, moving and yelling to try and get MUSK’s attention, which he does after some time; MUSK stops playing, hits a button, music ceases.]

DERSHOWITZ: Do you have to play it so loud?

MUSK:  You think that’s loud! That was nothing. Come back here on Fridays. People run out of here crying. They know they’ll get fired but they just can’t take it.

[MUSK takes off the glasses.]

You’re Dersh.

DERSHOWITZ: I’m Alan Dershowitz. I understand you wanted to see me.

MUSK: Have a seat.

[DERSHOWITZ regards the lawn chairs.]

DERSHOWITZ: Lawn chairs? You offer me a lawn chair?

MUSK: Pushy! Why am I not surprised. Tell you what, Dersh, I’ll come around –

[MUSK does so.]

— and we can both sit in the lawn chairs. They’re comfortable and they teach a lesson about humility because this is how real Americans live.

[MUSK sits. DERSHOWITZ dubiously and gingerly puts his tush down on the other chair – but then MUSK springs up.]

That’s really uncomfortable!

[MUSK hits a button on desk, yells.]

FLUNKENSTEIN! TWO COMFY CHAIRS!

[Two FACTOTA rush in pushing what look like slimmed-down Barcaloungers on casters, lock them in place in front of the lawn chairs.]

Like I said, I know how ordinary people live, but when you don’t have to it’s just virtue-signally.