I Can't Do This To Me

Sometimes guests on Received Opinion don’t know what’s good for them

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Music, swirling camera — limited-animation cartoon of white man in suit cowering before multiple disembodied, mostly non-white arms, shaking fists at him. Chyron: BLACK BALLED!]

Yet another cancel culture casualty! Yes, coming on the heels of the Ronna McDaniel controversy, yet another mainstream media outlet has reversed its decision to hire another mainstream Republican — in this case Trumpy Killthelibs, formerly known as Sam Eisenhower.

[CUT TO: Photo of KILLTHELIBS, a pudgy, rough-looking white man of about 50 in blue suit and red tie with close cropped hair and the number “45” tattooed over his third eye.]

Killthelibs has an impeccable Republican pedigree, working his way up in the party over the years to Deputy National Chairman.

[CUT TO: Montage of photos of a younger, more normal-looking KILLTHELIBS posing with George W. Bush, John McCain, Joe Lieberman, et alia.]

It didn’t hurt that Killthelibs was a distant relative of Dwight D. Eisenhower — that is, until Donald Trump told him he considered the former President a “p-word” and made him change his name, though Killthelibs insists “Trumpy Killthelibs” was his own idea, as he told reporters in 2020:

[CUT TO: Clips from a press conference; KILLTHELIBS, with normal clothes and hair but a dazed look in his eyes, stands at a podium as lightbulbs flash.]

KILLTHELIBS: When I saw what Ronna did, I knew, hey, this is the turning point, if we want to Make America Great Again we have to go all in and take new names that reflect his glory. And the President is absolutely right, my great great great granduncle was a socialist and a communist and, yes, a [bleep] and a [bleep]. I’m not afraid to say it.

REPORTER’S VOICE: Mr. Killthelibs, your mother and your father have both denounced you, saying –

KILLTHELIBS: [Agitated] I have no father and mother! Donald Trump is my father and mother, he’s your mother and father too and you better get wise to that you [BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP] pieces of [BLEEP BLEEP]!

[KILLTHELIBS grabs the podium and tries, ineffectually and grunting, to pick it up. CUT TO: Clips of a screaming KILLTHELIBS being held back by security guards as he tries to enter a high school gym where votes are being counted, and conferring with a group of people on a dais behind which appears a bedsheet on which are scrawled the words THE REAL 2020 ELECTERS (sic) FOR ARIZONA.]

UPRIGHT: Some indisputable documentary evidence allegedly shows Killthelibs actively working to reverse the 2020 election results in several states and even helping to create slates of false electors —

[CUT TO: Footage of KILLTHELIBS outside the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, dressed like Russell Crowe in Romper Stomper, exulting and striking belligerent poses.]

— who Killthelibs had standing by at the Capitol on January 6, 2021. Most of those electors were arrested at the scene, but Killthelibs, who never entered the building, was let off with a citation for disorderly conduct.

[CUT TO: Footage of NBC News boss Cesar Conde smiling and laughing with KILLTHELIBS in front of an NBC logo.]

But then, days of redemption! After a few years of doing I’m not sure what, Killthelibs is hired as an NBC News analyst. It seems like a dream — a Cinderella story for the former Trump associate.

[CUT TO: Clips of unnamed ugly hippies shaking their fingers and/or fists at the camera.]

But alas, disgruntled liberals rehashed the tired old charges against Killthelibs, and today NBC caved in to pressure from their far-left junior staffers and released him. Killthelibs joins us in our studio now to talk about it.

[CUT TO: UPRIGHT at the “Decision Desk” with KILLTHELIBS, who is wearing a standard-issue Trump suit and with his hair slightly grown out, though the “45” tattoo, surgically altered, is still faintly visible on his forehead. He looks as if butter would not melt in his mouth, though his eyes roll back and forth in his head randomly.]

Trumpy, good to see you!  

KILLTHELIBS: Thank you, Bolt. Always a pleasure.

UPRIGHT: Trumpy, there are many conservatives on network TV shows, but still your critics say that —

KILLTHELIBS: Let me stop you right there, Bolt. Are these so-called conservatives on network TV shows really conservative? I don’t see any of them taking new, Trump-friendly names like I did.

UPRIGHT: But surely, Trumpy, one needn’t —

KILLTHELIBS: Peoni Doyenne, who regularly appears on this show — I told her myself, when I confronted her in her driveway, I said, President Trump would appreciate it if you changed your name to Trumpwife Spacewhore. The “Spacewhore” part was a tribute to President Trump’s good friend Elon Musk.

UPRIGHT: I see.

KILLTHELIBS: But she laughed at me! Said she knew Reagan! I told her, bitch, no one cares about Reagan, this is Trump time now!

UPRIGHT: I wish you wouldn’t refer to our Round Table members by –

KILLTHELIBS: Hey! Hey! Who are you to challenge me, Bitch Upright! Ha ha, Bitch Upright, I just thought of that!

UPRIGHT: See here, Trumpy, I don’t have to –

KILLTHELIBS: [Outraged] How dare you talk to President Trump like that?

UPRIGHT: What are you talking about, I said you –

KILLTHELIBS: You said “See here, Trump”! It’s on tape! Don’t deny it!

UPRIGHT: No, no, I said, “See here, Trumpy” which is your actual —

KILLTHELIBS:  You said it again! You all heard him! “See here Trump! See here Trump!”  Once again the liberal media unfairly attacks our President with liberal –

UPRIGHT: [Making a throat-cutting gesture to camera] Cut. OK, we’re cutting this now.

[The desk mic is off. We see network pages approach KILLTHELIBS, faintly hear via room mics his belligerent conversation with them. UPRIGHT strolls away and camera follows him.]

UPRIGHT: [To the camera] And here’s where we have to end it. I have to say that what Mr. Killthelibs is screaming does not reflect the views of this station, nor those of the Republican Party or the conservative movement. In fact, Mr. Killthelibs is just a ridiculous fantasy of what conservatives believe.

KILLTHELIBS: [Shouting at the camera as he is led away by pages] Ain’t it the truth!