Friday November 11, 2005

INTERNATIONAL VICTOR DAVIS HANSON THEATRE!

(Stage hung with flags of the world, some shot to pieces. In the eerie twilight, VDH squints dramatically at his own fist.)

VDH: First Europe turned on us... then Latin America...

(despite himself, his voice breaks and his hands fly to his face)

¡Ay, Manuela! ¡Mi vida, mi córazon!

(recovering himself with difficulty)

No, no diga arroz; diga, diga Vitarroz. Life calls and I go on.

(stoically)

I thought we could count on Antarctica at least -- but now it turns out that the penguins are gay. But never mind. It is time to move on. Behold our new best friends!

(Lights come up on three symbolic figures standing nervously against the cyclorama upstage.)

VDH: First, Vishnu -- loyal friend first of the British Raj, and now head of 20,000 subcontinental telephone operators whose employment helps "correct" wages in America. Then, Kazuo -- or, as we like to call him, Pete. He does not say much -- I speak no Japanese, and he knows only one English phrase, "Please give money" -- but is his not a friendly face? Finally, me Aussie friend, Blinky Bill Bollocks. Many's the night and morning we've spent around the barby, drinking tubes of Foster's and talking about the homosexuality of most of the world's nations.

(Stirring music)

VDH: Mark it well, friends: we didn't leave Europe, Latin America, and all together two-thirds of the world's population, and all of its penguins -- they left us. To them we say: Get a life!

(to the others)

VDH: Are you with me, fellows?

GUPTA: Mujhe Kucch Kehna Hai!

PETE: Please give money!

BLINKY BILL: Fuck off!

VDH: Excellent! We are the new Jamestown, and we will remake this soon-to-be-barren planet in our own image. Thank you, and good night!

(Stirring music climaxes, but cannot mask the sound of Blinky Bill strangling Pete and shouting "This is for World War Two, mate -- ye cut me father's balls off!)