JOBS BEN CARSON CAN DO NEXT.
Carson's Belt Buckles. Hanging with a rough crowd? Afraid you'll get shivved? Buckle up for safety with this ultra-tough Carson buckle, and your assailant will really need Gifted Hands to get at your gut! Not only is this buckle made of super-strong Tintinabulum -- it's also fitted with extensions that can be slipped through the placket of your shirt and expanded to protect up to a full square foot of your abdomen. The buckle itself, modeled on one of Carson's most famous portraits, is attractively molded and enamel-plated by the Franklin Mint.
Gentle Ben. In this warm-hearted, post-modern take on the old TV show, the titular bear is transformed by a divinely-directed lightning strike into a simple country doctor portrayed by Carson. The new Gentle Ben solves the problems of local townsfolk with rambling stories that leave them wondering what they were complaining about in the first place. Ben remains every bit the beloved member of the Bedloe family he was in ursine form, and sometimes he will playfully growl and roll on the ground with original cast member Clint Howard.
"Believe It... Or Not" starring Ben Carson. Like Jack Palance in the original series, except of course less disturbing, Carson hosts an omnibus program that invites the viewer to take a second look at fantastic folk tales in which most people have ceased to believe -- the Loch Ness Monster, the pyramids as grain silos, that Ronald Reagan was a great president, etc.
Carson's Fruit Salad. Canned, with plenty of syrup. Slogan: "Don't expect too much."
Ha ha but more likely, once his (typically vague, confusing) Presidential race exit is complete, Carson will move on to the usual sort of conservative grifts: TV shows devoted to his inspirational mutterings, well-remunerated speeches, and reverse mortgage ads. The grift goes on forever and the book tour never ends!
(My Village Voice columns on Carson here and here. I think it's especially interesting to note all the people who are currently incensed about the Trump scam but once thought Ben Carson was a legitimate presidential contender.)
