Journey to the Heaviside Layer

A little traveling music, Sammy!

[The Oval Office. A couple of JANITORS with a cart clean, as quietly as they can, small trash cans, and steal glances at DONALD TRUMP, dozing in his seat at the Resolute Desk.]

JANITOR 1: [Whispers] Ed! He’s out cold again!

JANITOR 2: [Quiet but normal voice] Yeah, he’s like that most of the time now. Look.

[To the surprise of JANITOR 1, JANITOR 2 drops a broom on the ground, which makes an audible thump; TRUMP does not stir. JANITOR 2 drops a dustpan, which clatters even louder; no response from TRUMP.]

JANITOR 1: Wow. They oughta take him to a doctor.

JANITOR 2: [Picking up the broom and dustpan] Yeah. Look, he’s drooling! I bet he’s dreaming. Wonder what about, huh?

[We zoom in on the somnolent President. The shot dissolves to what looks like an old-fashioned TV variety show opening, with a helicopter shot of the Mall in Washington, D.C. that ends on what used to be the Kennedy Center and is now a complex that looks like the original Sands Hotel in Las Vegas, with the name TRUMP instead of SANDS on the marquee; the letterboard reads NICKI MINAJ, GEORGE STRAIT, ROB SCHNEIDER, THE AOOGA SISTERS. A show band plays brassy 60s music.]

V/O: From the swampy land of Washington, which like America he is making great again, it’s the Donald Trump Show at the Donald Trump Entertainment Center!

[FACE OF MELANIA TRUMP appears in close-up.]

MELANIA: And away we go!

[The stage of the Trump Entertainment Center, very like Jackie Gleason’s old Miami Beach stage. There’s a double row of showgirls in outlandish costumes, between which TRUMP enters, wearing a garish suit with a big red carnation. Music climaxes; loud applause.]

TRUMP: Thank you. Thank you. Great to be here. How you doin’.

[Cheers from the audience.]

How you likin’ that martial law, huh? Isn’t that terrific?

[Cheers from the audience.]

Yeah, before it was a mess. People alla time fighting, Congress having shutdowns and debates and votes. We got ridda that, didn’t we?

[Applause.]

That’s right. Now everyone’s doing great — you folks out there, I know you’re doing great, ya look like a million. Some a’ you ladies could be showgirls, I tell ya.

[Points into the audience.]

Like Lauren Bezos, there, isn’t she somethin’?

[Applause.]

There’s a lady knows how to take care of herself. And how to take care of a man, right, Jeff? He’s nodding his head. Ha ha, ya bald bastard! Nah, you look great. All the men look like a million bucks. Or should I say a billon. Nothin’ but high rollers here. You know in New York, even the big shows, they let anyone walk in off the street. Nothing but class here at the Trump Center. Hey, speaking of which, got a real treat for ya tonight.

[Some maudlin music plays behind TRUMP.]

You know, back before I was President, or Fuhrer or whatever I am now, all the showbiz types, they looked down on me. You know, I’m not just a great leader who stopped 387 wars, got rid of sanctuary cities and Congress and crime so we don’t have it anymore. And made the White House the biggest solid gold mansion in the world instead of a dump which it was. I’m a person with feelings, and the feelings I got, they’re the biggest in the world, so big I can’t even tell you. But because I was too busy doing deals and making myself the richest man in the world, I had no time to work on my talent, which is also very great, maybe the greatest ever. So they laughed at me, and let me tell ya, it hurt. But I hadda be tough to win the Presidency and stop all the wars and kill all the people I had to kill to make this country great. So I couldn’t show what was in my heart, and it was very emotional for me, folks, so emotional I can’t tell you.

[Cut to the audience, where LAUREN BEZOS has tears running down her face and clutches JEFF BEZOS’ hand. Then back to TRUMP]

But now I got everything fixed up so good that at last I have to time to show you all what’s in my heart. I gotta thank the great Gene Simmons, a great singer who doesn’t sing so good anymore frankly and he’s the first to tell you but he knows the ropes and he showed me. And now I’d like to sing you a beautiful song by the great Andrew Floyd Webber. Maestro?

[Music changes, TRUMP speak-sings in a wispy voice to the tune of “Memory” from Cats:]

Memory
All the schmucks made fun of me
Like that nig-nog Obama
And the big showbiz Jews
Since I won big
And made myself the king of the world
They ain’t fit to shine my shoes

Chorus

Every shitty joke they made
Put fire in my belly
I call ICE out
And they punch their lights out
And beat their faces into jelly

Verse

They’re dead
Everybody is happy
But my heart needs one more thing
Before it can be still:
Steve Bannon, find new
Enemies for me
So I have someone to kill!

[Tumultuous applause; TRUMP bows, and speaks in the manner of Red Skelton:]

Good night, and may Gawd bless.

[Music; showgirls crowd and hug TRUMP and give him Oscars and Tonys and Nobel Prizes; LAUREN BEZOS joins them and gives him a big kiss. Dissolve back to the Oval: As the men work, the sleeping TRUMP rips a terrifically loud shart. The JANITORS pull the fronts of their shirts up in front of their noses.]

JANITOR 1: Oh, man!

JANITOR 2: Let’s get out of here before they make us clean that up!

[They flee as TRUMP snores; seemingly in his dream-state, ethereal music plays, a glowing staircase materializes above the Resolute Desk, which rises to meet it; TRUMP, his eyes closed, stands and starts to climb the staircase — but it vanishes, the desk and TRUMP are on the ground, and with his first step TRUMP falls on his face. Pause; he moans. Then:]

TRUMP: Jesus! What stinks?