King for a day

The Speaker election in its degenerate phase

Public domain.

[The U.S. House chamber. Multicolored gobo lights flash and sweep the floor as the theme music from “Family Feud” plays. Speaker pro tempore PATRICK McHENRY, in his customary grey suit and nerd haircut and glasses, and carrying a giant gavel, walks to the rostrum to cheers. He motions the crowd to simmer down.]

Good evening and welcome to Pick a Speaker! I’m Pat McHenry and as Speaker pro tem I gotta tell ya, this gavel’s gettin’ mighty heavy [mild audience laughter] because we have been without a Speaker for three whole weeks, can you believe it! [applause] Tom Emmer took his best shot but fell short after just three hours and here’s our friend Marge Taylor Greene to tell us why.

[Short “Family Feud” reprise, tepid applause as MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, wearing a white feather-fringe jumpsuit and matching hat like Missy Elliot at the 1999 Grammys, joins McHENRY at the rostrum.]

McHENRY: Marge, the caucus backed Tom, why’d you cockblock him?

GREENE: Well, Pat, since Mr. Emmer made the unacceptable choice to support homosexual marriage, I did not cockblock him – what I did was fag-slag him.

[GREENE smiles and waits for applause that never comes, then suddenly gets sputtering mad.]

You! Yo-oou! Ahhhh! Ah’m a-gonna kill all you RINOs when Daddy Trump comes back! Just you watch! Eat shit!

[GREENE stomps off, loses her footing, tumbles into the Well of the House to sparse laughter and applause.]

McHENRY: Always a party with Marge! Well, without further ado: All our previous candidates have been rendered ineligible on account of the high crime of boredom and the misdemeanor of You Suck, so let’s bring on our first new Speaker of the House candidate, he’s not even a Member of Congress but at this point who cares, Ladies and Gentlemen, Fox News celebrity Poopmouth!

[As another “Family Feud” reprise plays POOPMOUTH, as seen in “The Next Big Thing” and other REBID episodes, ascends on a hydraulic riser to a platform set up at the center of the Well of the House, carrying a ventriloquist’s dummy that looks like Nancy Pelosi. He wears an expensive but casual suit a la Bill Maher. The crowd cheers and he nods to them.]

POOPMOUTH: What up, my niggas!

[Mild cheer.]

Boy, shit is getting real now – McCarthy, Jordan, Emmer — we’ve blown out more speakers than Coachella!

[Pause.]

Because it’s a music festival! C’mon, fuckers! WHAT UP MY NIGGAS!

[Mild cheer.]

Tough crowd! Well, that’s why I brought Nancy Pelosi for some pointers. Say hi, Nancy!

NANCY DOLL: [shrill, scratchy voice] Skrrrawwwwk, abortion at 57 weeks!

[Crowd, though confused, boos. Now the NANCY DOLL sounds like Joan Rivers.]

Oh, go on and boo! I had the same majority when your fat asshole was president and I reigned for FOUR YEARS! You fuckers couldn’t raise a piss-on in a whorehouse!

[Heightened boos. The NANCY DOLL’s head snaps back and forth.]

Hey, hey, you know who you should make Speaker? Someone who isn’t a child molester! Come on, there’s gotta be one somewhere —

[Tumultuous boos, wadded-up paper and beer cans are thrown at the stage.]

POOPMOUTH: Hey, what can I say, it’s the doll, not me!

[Boos do not appreciably decrease. POOPMOUTH gets visibly annoyed.]

What, you don’t like Nancy? Hey, I don’t like her either! Look:

[POOPMOUTH rubs the doll’s face on his crotch, then smacks it a few times, then throws in into the Well.]

Ooops, she fell right on top of Marge Failure Greene! [Calls into the Well] I hope you sluts will be very happy together!

[Mix of laughter, applause, boos, and distracted conversation. POOPMOUTH looks stunned, then enraged. He shakes his fists at the crowd and screams:]

Listen, assholes! This material got big laughs in New York! On my big hit show on Fox that I got rich on! I’m worth 50 mill, you suit-separate wearing, low class rube pieces of shit! Suck my dick, it tastes like your mother’s kisses!

[POOPMOUTH gives the finger with both hands and stalks the stage so more people can see it. Pandemonium, objects thrown on the stage; McHENRY bangs his giant gavel on the podium but no one can hear. Finally a hologram of DONALD TRUMP appears in front of POOPMOUTH; TRUMP is wearing his usual Jackie Gleason Miami Beach clothes and grinning broadly. Crowd screams, chants “Trump,” throws panties. A hand, perhaps GREENE’s, reaches up, grabs POOPMOUTH’s ankle, and pulls him so he at first falls to the stage floor, then tumbles into the Well. No one notices. The TRUMP hologram gestures for quiet.]

HOLOGRAM: Hey. Hey. Be nice.

[Crowd noise dwindles.]

You’re in a very special place, really, a sacred place —

[Pause — he leans in, does a fair version of the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog voice:]

FOR ME TO POOP ON!

[Crowd goes nuts.]

Yeah, we all shit on this place, right? To hell with this shithole. All these laws they make, what do they get you? You don’t need it and when we take over, we’re gonna get rid of this “law” bullshit, this mother. Fucking. Law. Bullshit.

[Crowd goes into a screaming fit, topless women crawl toward the hologram, Secret Service agents who are guarding the hologram for some reason escort them away. Hologram again gestures for quiet.]

Listen, listen, so a Speaker, you can vote or do whatever you like, I don’t care, no one cares, it doesn’t matter. That’s why I keep saying, sure, vote for this guy, and then I go, well, I’m not so sure. ‘Cause it’s a joke, and then you fuck him, right, because who gives a crap. So do what you want, but when I get back, we’re gonna just kill everyone we wanna kill and it’s gonna be so great —

[Crowd cheers, seethes.]

— in fact you know what, you know what you should do? You should kill whoever you want now, kill kill kill.

[Crowd seems hot, but undecided; lots of huggermugger. The hologram seems to sense this.]

Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it, that schmuck thought he was funny with the Nancy doll, go on, kill him, do me a favor, you’ll be famous. Kill that ugly bitch while you’re at it.

[Crowd is still undecided. The hologram yells:]

Hey! Hey! Look! I’m like a ghost! Look, someone try and swat me! Go ahead.

[Some guy crawls onto the platform on the Well and waves his arm through the hologram a few times. Crowds marvels,]

See? They can’t do nothing to me. Not the fucking judge, not nobody!  You hear me? They can’t do nothing to me and they can’t do nothing to you! Because you are me and I am you! We are invisible! They can’t touch us!

[Crowd roars, keeps on roaring.]

So go nuts! Go nuts! Kill! Kill whoever you want! You’re a ghost like me! You can do anything and they can’t hurt you! Go on and kill! Kill that guy! Kill that little nerd with the hammer! Fuck them! Fuck all these people! Kill for the love of MAGA! Kill for the love of killing! Kill! Kill! Kill!

[Dozens of spectators crawl up onto the stage and race through the hologram, which pays them no heed and keeps screaming “Kill.” Secret Service agents and U.S. Capitol Police swarm the stage and the chamber, clubbing some of the deranged attendees. Sirens are heard in the distance.]