Less is MOR

Courting that mushy middle

As Democrats search for their way out of the political wilderness, a new think tank, introduced on Wednesday, has some ideas about where the party went wrong.

Among them: too much emphasis on issues like climate change and L.G.B.T.Q. rights, and far too much deference to the powerful liberal organizations championing those causes at the expense, some argue, of appealing to voters in battleground states…

Mr. Jentleson wants his party to de-emphasize issues that typically animate the party’s most loyal voters…

New York Times, “A New Democratic Think Tank Wants to Curb the Influence of Liberal Groups”

[A conference room in a Sheraton or whatever. Varnished table, rolling chairs, overhead lights. Seated around it are five youngish knowledge workers: HAGGIS, wearing a bright navy Bonobos unreconstructed wool blazer, cream shirt and pearl tie, Indochino Hamilton sharkskin sand pants, and mahogany Johnston & Murphy Upton dress cap toe shoes, and sporting a fash haircut; DULCY, with long, curly cherry-red hair, in an ivory Theory twist-neck silk Georgette top, dark wash Banana Republic denim split-back maxi-skirt, and black nappa Inez Fridas with low heels; longish-haired, semi-bushy-bearded MART, in a baby blue Givenchy custom-fit Monogram 72 jacquard buttondown shirt, unbuttoned, Brioni light-wash denim jeans, and Bass Weejuns; PARIS, African-American, in a blue Havana Suit from Suit Supply, black Aspesi shirt, buttoned but tieless, and black Santoni oxfords; and POPPY, in a Veronica Beard desert khaki Orrin Suede cargo jacket, white wife-beater shirt, cranberry Akris Punto Cali cropped stretch velvet bootcut pants, and Alessandro Vassini black calfskin Roman ankle boots. They have Starbucks, Dasani, Macbooks Pro, etc.]

MART: Alright alright, so we’re all agreed — outside some highly targeted urban markets, no mention of trans and if drawn in we go rights-not-specialrights.

PARIS: Specialrights is surgery, right?

POPPY: All medical treatment, all ages.

MART: Bathrooms, sports.

MART: They can live, basically.

HAGGIS: We have to be clear about that.

MART: Correct. But if you get pushback, go back to rights not specialrights.

POPPY: But don’t look weak.

MART: It’s not hard.

DULCY: Can they get married?

MART: Tcha! Of course they can get married!

HAGGIS: And teach school.

MART: [raising a stylus preemptively] Ah. Again, not specialrights.

HAGGIS: They can’t teach school?

POPPY: If local standards disagree.

HAGGIS: Local standards meaning laws?

MART: Standards. [Shrugs] Look, the candidates have to do some of this themselves. They’ll be trained and part of the training is read the room. If they look like they don’t want trans teachers, you don’t want trans teachers.

DULCY: OK.

HAGGIS: And “look like they don’t want trans teachers” means… what?

POPPY: They don’t look like us.

[Laughter.]

MART: But! You don’t say you don’t want trans teachers. Poppy has the line.

POPPY: “Parents and children come first. Your beliefs matter, faith isn’t prejudice, respect rights but also boundaries.”

HAGGIS: OK.

PARIS: And if they get weird, it’s the Supreme Court settled all this, we abide by the courts —

MART: Patents and children —

EVERYONE: Faith isn’t prejudice.

MART: Alright alright. Now, climate change —

PARIS: Intelligent people can disagree.

MART: Yes and stop there. No getting drawn in, either way. Icecaps are melting, intelligent people disagree. God will put the icecaps back, intelligent people disagree.

[Some tittering.]

Personal beliefs to one side, people. Because what are we all about?

EVERYONE: Winning!

MART: Alright alright alright, now, something I don’t think we discussed, in the matter of Charlie Kirk.

PARIS: Tragic. So sad.

DULCY: Violence, political violence has to stop.

HAGGIS: Charlie was a voice for peace and freedom.

POPPY: Free speech.

HAGGIS: Right!

MART: Yeah, about that, guys, check this — free speech with responsibility.

[Small pause.]

PARIS: This is about Kimmel?

MART: Correct. When you go too far…

[Pause.]

POPPY: You lose your free speech.

MART: [Thoughtfully] That’s a little harsh, isn’t it? Rights are inalienable. We’re not against free speech. Nobody is against free speech. You see the problem.

HAGGIS: Your speech is… in timeout?

MART: Ell oh ell, my friend.

DULCY: But the public has rights too!

MART: Better! The public has been clear that the death of Charlie Kirk is [points to PARIS] tragic [points to DULCY] political violence, and we are all against tragic violence, and anything and anyone that may cause tragic violence even unintentionally is a threat to [points to HAGGIS] peace and freedom. Free speech with responsibility.

PARIS: Why not just “responsible speech”?

MART: Well, then it’s not free.

PARIS: But… if you get fired for it, then it’s actually not free.

MART: Look, the candidate —

DULCY: The public has rights. Your right to swing a fist ends at the end of my nose.

MART: Correct.

PARIS: So Jimmy Kimmel being on TV is assault?

MART: [Makes fluttery gesture] Getting into the weeds here, look, it’s early days and in two months who knows.

POPPY: That’s for sure.

[Grim laughter.]

MART: But in case the clients ask, for now, people, what do we say?

[Half say “speech with responsibility,” half say “public has rights.”]

Correct! Both of you.

[Laughter.]

And what are we all about?

EVERYONE: Winning!

MART: Alright! Lightning round! Immigration?

EVERYONE: Legal immigration!

HAGGIS: Safe legal and rare!

[Laughter.]

MART: Federal agents in big cities?

EVERYONE: Safer streets, more money for police!

MART: Taxes?

EVERYONE: Lower!

MARTS: Racism?

EVERYONE: Move beyond!

MART: Alright alright now — here we goooo now, starting looooow now, everybody:

[EVERYONE starts quietly chanting “KIT-chen TA-ble” and beating the table, then getting louder, faster, and more raucous; at the height of it, MART stands up and starts clapping, and so do the others.]

MART: And people say the Democrats don’t stand for anything!

EVERYONE: WINNING!