Losing the battle, but losing the war also

But above all, dignity; always dignity

[A momentary deafening roar over a title card reading SPECIAL REPORT. Then:]

VOICE OF BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[UPRIGHT appears in front of a screen showing the SPECIAL REPORT card, which switches to footage of Senators walking around the Capitol with a text crawl underneath: DEMS CUT SHUTDOWN DEAL.]

UPRIGHT: It appears Chuck Schumer and the Democrats in the Senate have cut a deal with the Republicans to reopen the government, a deal in which the Democrats get —

[UPRIGHT squints, touches his earpiece.]

I’m sorry, the card says they get a future vote on keeping the Affordable Care Act subsidies, but that can’t be right. [Beat.] It is? Do they get anything else? [Beat.] No? Huh. Well, good thing we have Chuck Schumer here to explain this remarkable event. Let’s go talk to him!

[As synth bleats from 80s tunes zip past at lightning speak, UPRIGHT crosses to a little desk where SCHUMER sits with a little smile on his face, seemingly in his own world.]

Minority Leader Schumer, how are you?

SCHUMER: Oh, I’m alright.

UPRIGHT: Senator, we’re told enough of your colleagues have agreed to support this continuing appropriation bill that it will pass the Senate. is that true?

SCHUMER: Sure looks that way.

UPRIGHT: I’m also told that from this bill your party gets, well, basically nothing: The ACA subsidies are not renewed, and I’m told you have just the bare word of the Republican leader that there’ll be a vote on it later. Is that right?

SCHUMER: That’s my understanding.

UPRIGHT: Well, sir, given how voters just overwhelmingly supported Democrats last week in part to repudiate the way Republicans have run the shutdown, can you explain how this advances your —

SCHUMER: Now hold on, hold on, Bolt. I don’t support this bill, I’m voting against it.

UPRIGHT: You’re voting against it.

SCHUMER: That’s right.

UPRIGHT: Forgive me, aren’t you the Minority Leader? Don’t you have some say in how your colleagues vote?

SCHUMER: Well, back in Harry Reid’s day it was like that, I guess, but now, well, you know, people do whatever they want.

UPRIGHT: So I take it you don’t intend to punish Senators who vote yes —

SCHUMER: Punish! Of course not! Everyone’s got to vote his or her conscience.

UPRIGHT: Then this leads me to ask, sir, what is the point of even having a Minority Leader?

SCHUMER: That reminds me of a funny story —

[Sound offscreen of breaking glass, yelling.]

VOICE: Schumer, you bastard!

VOICE 2: You sold us out!

UPRIGHT: Pardon the intrusion, I assume we’ve got people taking care of that.

[Yelling dies down.]

SCHUMER: I sure hope so.

UPRIGHT: Senator, it seems none the Democrats who are voting for this will face voters until 2028 at the earliest.

SCHUMER: Well, you don’t want to make judgments based on that. These are good people.

UPRIGHT: But coming so soon after the big election Democrats had —

SCHUMER: With all due respect, Bolt, people vote based on a lot of factors. For instance, I know Senator Shaheen’s voters more than anything else want us to work with the opposition —

[Nearby, a middle-aged man, unshaven, lowers himself down from the flies, screaming; he holds the rope with one hand and wildly swings a machete at Schumer with the other.]

MAN: SCHUMER I GOT BLOOD CLOTS AND MY PREMIUM’S MORE THAN MY RENT! IF I DIE I’M TAKING YOU WITH ME! AHHHHHHHHH —

[A bunch of network pages in matching jackets quickly surround the MAN and throw blankets at him; he falls under the blankets. The pages hold him down. Security guards come in and drag him away.]

SCHUMER: Getting a little heated in here!

UPRIGHT: [Touching his earpiece] Senator, I’m being told Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has left a message for you at our switchboard —

SCHUMER: Ah! A spirited young lady.

UPRIGHT: The Congresswoman says, quote, “Get ready to move to Florida with Cuomo, bitch.” It goes into further detail but standards and practices won’t let us put it on the air.

SCHUMER: Now, see there’s no call for that. It’s one thing to change your vote, but if you can’t be collegial you’ll never make it in the United States Senate. You see, we have traditions, Bolt, like for example the filibuster and if there’s a silver lining to all this, it’s that our precious filibuster will be protected for another fifty or sixty —

[Flames erupt in the background. Three disheveled men rush through the flames at SCHUMER; UPTIGHT fights them off.]

MAN 1: YOU GODDAMN PUSSY!
MAN 2: WHO’S PAYING YOU!
MAN 1: FUCK YOUR FILIBUSTER!
MAN 3: I AM REPRESENTING MYSELF PRO SE IN A SUIT AGAINT MY LANDLORD JACOB CRIMMINS! I DEMAND TO BE —

[Firefighters rush the stage, spray the fires with foam and also spray the attackers, which subdues them as more security guards enter and drag the attackers away and escort SCHUMER out.]

UPRIGHT: [Covered in foam, calling after him] Thank you, Senator Schumer! [To the audience] When we come back, we’ll talk to our Decision Desk team —

VOICE OF CHAFE DRAMATURGY: NOT ME, BOLT! BYE!

VOICE OF PEONI DOYENNE: THEY’VE GOT ME TIED TO A STRETCHER, BOLT! I’M THINKING OF YOU!

[More breaking glass, angry mob sounds.]

UPRIGHT: Then it’s just me, folks. I’ll attempt to reason with the mob and get a dissenting opinion from Ezra Klein on video hookup. But first —

[The roof appears to collapse; dust envelopes the scene.]