Making you see reason
A message from the party of law and order
Let me start by pretending to have some sympathy for you atheist trans-loving elitists who read this communist paper. The Republicans enraged by the raid on Mar-a-Lago and calling for the murder of FBI agents must be disturbing to your delicate sensibilities. I think we can all agree that President Trump has done some very bad things and we should all purse our lips and act concerned. I know I do.
What you fail to realize, though, is that seen from a certain point of view, these expressions of homicidal rage at federal officers are part of a great American tradition of defiance, intransigence, and a healthy disrespect for rules we do not consider ourselves obliged to follow.
Take, for example, the cartoon hillbillies who shot at “revenooers” in old Li’l Abner comics and Mountain Dew commercials. When Americans saw those lovable rustics with their giant bare feet, oversize hats with brims that looked like they’d been bitten into, overalls and “shootin’ ahrns,” they laughed. They knew that these zany characters’ attempts to kill federal agents were merely expressions of a deep-rooted resistance to overbearing authority.
Similarly, when, for example, a Republican candidate for Congress threatens to put agents in “body bags,” he is merely reviving this old trope to signal his fellow center-right libertarians that he values his freedom and will defend it against anyone who would take it from him by attempting to execute a lawful search warrant against Donald Trump.
Perhaps, being godless, you do not understand this level of devotion to a man whose followers (mistakenly, I concede with pursed lips) consider him a God on earth. Yet in the recent past the American landscape was adorned by statues of just such men – men like Robert E. Lee and Nathan Bedford Forrest – until the rioters who destroyed all American cities with a population of 500,000 or more tore them down.
Which reminds me that I, and my fellow conservatives, are rubber, while you are glue; everything bounces off me, and sticks to you. Perhaps you have forgotten that liberals are the actual persecutors and conservatives the victims. We do not have to reach back to the smear campaigns against Joseph McCarthy, Richard Nixon, and Robert Bork to make this case, though I welcome the opportunity to bring their names into it. We need only revisit the slanders visited upon the last Republican president, who was accused of every sort of venality, bigotry, even collusion with foreign governments and an attempt to overturn a presidential election. I have never seen an American President treated so badly and Bill Clinton had sex with Monica Lewinsky.
If you still cannot comprehend why the good people who twice returned a minority of votes for Donald Trump — and who still want to know why this made him President one time and not-President the other; no wonder they don’t trust your “fair elections”! — want to kill you and everyone like you and defile your corpses, then maybe you should consider this: When we get back into power we are going to arrest and prosecute all of you, starting with every living Democratic presidential candidate and running right down the list. Also there’s more than one reason why we’re reinstating the death penalty everywhere we can. I say this not as a threat, though I expect your typical liberal hysteria will cause you to take it as one, but only to warn what your ill-considered actions will bring down upon your own heads. And if you do wind up in unmarked graves for having the nerve to fuck with us, remember: we’re the ones who are supposed to be scary and you’re the ones who are supposed to be scared, and that, too, is profoundly American, bitch.