Manufacturing Received Opinion

Bolt Upright and the gang show us how it's done

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Sound of garbage trucks mating. Screen behind UPRIGHT is a faint cyan-colored montage of protests over redistricting in the Tennessee House and parts of Tehran and Beirut damaged by bombs.]

UPRIGHT: Rather than confuse you with a lot of stuff about America’s latest war that no one can figure out, or why Southern states are carving up their districts so that black people can’t get elected anymore, let’s talk about —

[Over the montage appears a series a full-color shots of MARCO RUBIO and JD VANCE, smiling and gesturing.]

— who’s most likely to succeed President Trump, Marco or JD? Yes, everybody in the news business is obsessed with this topic.

[War and protest scenes fade completely away; headlines zoom by: “Vance or Rubio? Trump Muses on Successor as the ‘Kids’ Fill Bigger Roles” — New York Times; “As Marcomentum sweeps the internet, Rubio, White House swear off 2028 talk” — Washington Post; “Marco Rubio emerges as possible 2028 frontrunner as Vance struggles with Iran” — The Hill etc.]

Both are charismatic, capable politicians as well as mavericks who show loyalty to their boss while being their own men, says the memo network executives sent to our news director and which I am repeating to you because I lost a bet on the 76ers.