Money doesn't talk, it swears

Bolt Upright and Received Opinion confront the new embezzlementarianism

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Banshee wails over the sound of an overdriven cement mixer. On the screen behind UPRIGHT, a limited-action cartoon of TRUMP, PAM BONDI, and KASH PATEL dressed as Beagle Boys-style bandits, holding a gun on a anthropomorphized, quivering map of the continental United States, going through its pockets, and removing an endless stream of cash. The super: SHUTDOWN SHAKEDOWN.]

With Congress shut down, President Trump has come up with a radical new way to deal with frozen federal funding — just unfreezing big chunks of it to pay for things he likes, such as $40 billion in aid for his friend Argentinian President Javier Milei, and $230 million for President Trump himself, allegedly representing a settlement of claims Trump filed against the Department of Justice for prosecuting him —

[Background changes to BONDI in split screen, in her two described roles.]

— back when Pam Bondi was his personal lawyer, and not head of the Department of Justice as she is now.

[Background changes to a white guy with a press pass in his hatband striking a “Hmmm, let’s see now” pose.]

Along with the evident legal and moral concerns, the unique spectacle of a president getting his personal lawyer installed as AG, and that AG agreeing to pay him a huge legal settlement out of United States Treasury funds, during a shutdown no less, poses a dilemma for American journalists who wish to inform their readers but also don’t want to be sued by the litigious President or have their precious access to government sources shut off.

[Background changes to the Axios headline, “Trump’s multi-million request puts DOJ integrity to the test, legal scholars say.”]

The results speak for themselves. As for the President, here’s what he said:

[Cut to footage of same, and btw this is not made up:]

TRUMP: And you know that decision would have to go across my desk, and it’s awfully strange to make a decision where I’m paying myself. In other words, did you ever have one of those cases where you have to decide how much you’re paying yourself in damages? But I was damaged very greatly, and any money that I would get I would give to charity.

[Background switches to the “This Is Fine” meme.]

UPRIGHT: Sources say that charity would be a children’s cancer charity, a joke which I’m sure flew right past you. Speaking of which, if you’re wondering how we at Received Opinion can be so cavalier about this, the answer is we have Jeff Bezos, who owns this network through a shell corporation, sequestered in a lead-lined cocaine and prostitute pit where he can’t see or hear what we’re saying. Well, might as well talk to our guest, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson.

[Audio stings with all that implies as UPRIGHT crosses to a small table at which MIKE JOHNSON is seated, working his smarm.]

Mr. Speaker, I hope you’re enjoying your time off.

JOHNSON: [Chortling] Oh, I think you know, Bolt, that even during the Democrat shutdown my office has been very busy.

UPRIGHT: Due to a prior agreement, I’m not going to ask how it can be a Democrat shutdown when Republicans control the federal government —

[JOHNSON starts to demur; UPRIGHT waves a cocktail napkin he has pulled from his jacket pocket.]

— we never said I couldn’t mention it, Mike, only that I couldn’t ask.

[UPRIGHT returns the napkin to his pocket.]

But I will ask what Congress, which historically has the power of the purse, will do about the President just deciding to take funds frozen by the shutdown and hand them out like party favors to his friends and factota.

JOHNSON: Bolt, I would challenge your characterization. There are many eminent constitutional scholars who hold that Congress has nothing to do with federal spending, which is in my opinion the sole responsibility of the President, and when a case on the matter is ready we expect to take it to the Supreme Court.

UPRIGHT: I see. So those budget bills that Congress passes from time to time, do those mean anything at all, or are they just a way to pass the tedious hours in a workday, like sudoku or internet pornography?

JOHNSON: Bolt, I resent the implication that hard-working Americans indulge in pornography of any kind. Pornography is exclusively the occupation of Democrats, who are by definition the opposite of hard-working Americans. In fact, their fascination with pornography is what gave rise to the transgender epidemic, which we expect the Supreme Court will deal with soon, and to the naked bike rides where Democrats, Marxists, Socialists, and Muslims forced their fully naked bodies on us last weekend. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call my son.

[JOHNSON oozes off; a snippet from the Dance of the Seven Veils from Strauss’ Salome plays, which seems to catch UPRIGHT aback; he strolls, looking around suspiciously, to the Decision Desk, where are seated PEONI DOYENNE, wearing a sky blue Carolina Herrera sheath dress with side drape and sand-colored Prada soft Nappa ankle strap platform sandals; and CHAFE DRAMATURGY, in a black Loro Piana three-piece suit, a Berlutti white linen officer collar shirt, and black Chinese slippers.]

UPRIGHT: That was weird.

DOYENNE: [Nodding vigorously] It was, wasn’t it?

DRAMATURGY: Sorry, I can’t hear music. It’s a condition.

UPRIGHT: Peoni, you were close to Ronald Reagan, can you imagine the Gipper doing something like this?

DOYENNE: Bolt, I have many tender memories of Ronald Reagan —

UPRIGHT: [Quietly] Oh dear.

DRAMATURGY: [Quietly] Please no.

DOYENNE: — but the times make the man and the man makes the times. I like to think Reagan would have handled all this differently, with less, I don’t know, criminality, less blackmail and threats of violence. But then Ronald Reagan never had to deal with transgenderism. And so many immigrants, my God!

DRAMATURGY: I was talking to Ezra Klein about this yesterday, and if Democrats don’t do something about what I call the transgender hegemony —

WILD VOICE: DID SOMEONE SAY TRANNIES!

[JEFF BEZOS, nude and covered in some sort of dust with his cock-ring-assisted erection painted blue, sprints onto the set with what look like Rhinemaidens. He seems extremely high.]

Upright! You fool! [To the floor manager] Keep that camera on me, Floyd! [To UPRIGHT] Upright, do you think I care what you say about the Leader! He doesn’t care, nobody cares, your ratings are almost as bad as CBS News! No one even understands your smart-ass remarks! [Gestures at the camera] These morons are only interested in spectacle and scandal and sex and that’s what we’re going to give them.

[Raising his arms to the flies:]

MAESTRO! PLAAAAAY!

[As a trance instrumental version of “Willkommen” from Cabaret plays, BEZOS engages in a complicated group sex act with the Rhinemaidens as DOYENNE and DRAMATURGY flee the stage; UPRIGHT remains, and the camera zooms in on him to reveal, in the manner of the 1971 Keep America Beautiful commercial, a single tear running down his face.]