More Friendly Advice from Your Mortal Enemies

It's not enough to be the Anti-Trump, you must also be the Pro-Trump

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Screech of musical outrage. On a screen behind UPRIGHT: a limited-animation cartoon of TRUMP doing his usual two-handed jerk-off dance, but holding in each hand a Mexican with blood dripping out of their x’d-out eyes. Caption: THE FRONT-RUNNER!]

The latest New York Times poll shows Donald Trump a point up on Kamala Harris and once again it’s Dems in what’s that, folks?

ALL THE DECISION DESK PUNDITS: Disarray!

[Confetti falls; a distant vuvuzela sounds.]

UPRIGHT: Yes, Democrats are panicking and James Carville is sending fretful emails, as clearly Donald Trump has found the key to voters’ hearts — violent threats against immigrants! The other day Trump said his planned expulsion of literally millions of immigrants would be a “bloody story,” and this morning here’s what he said in an interview with manosphere podcaster Reiko Bombass:

[Cut to in-studio footage of TRUMP with REIKO BOMBASS.]

TRUMP: It will be very easy to get rid of them, by killing them, in new ways, ways you’ve never seen, we get these bulldozers, huge bulldozers like Mohammed used to move the mountain, and we fit them with machine guns, and we plow right through the illegal immigrants, we get the legal ones out of there first, the ones we like, and then we just keep going until we reach the border and push the whole mass of blood and bodies in that big lake they have there.

BOMBASS: Please tell me you’ll leave us some underage sex workers, though!

TRUMP: I can’t promise anything. Talk to Dershowitz.

[Cut back to UPRIGHT.]

UPRIGHT: But just as important in this turn of events is Kamala Harris’ refusal to engage the media. Received Opinion has invited the Vice-President on the show several times. We’ve even generously supplied her with questions in advance, such as:

[The questions are shown on the screen as UPRIGHT reads them.]

Why are you against Donald Trump’s plan to pay for child healthcare with tariffs, and how would communism be better?

How would you try to convince Elon Musk to work for you like Trump has, and what does it say about you that he won’t?

Yesterday Donald Trump said [INSERT MOST RECENT OUTRAGEOUS THING TRUMP SAID]. What do you think of that, and why do you think so many hard-working Americans agree?

Would you like Donald Trump better if he were a black guy that believed everything you believe, and how is that not reverse racism?

[Back to UPRIGHT.]

Harris’ failure to answer these hard-hitting questions is clearly instrumental in her plummeting polls and Dems in disarray. You’d think there’d be nothing to discuss, but let’s still go to our Decision Desk team of experts!

[Infected aural gash. Camera and UPRIGHT swing to the Decision Desk to meet PEONI DOYENNE, wearing a Prussian blue St. John two-tone satin back crepe dress, a Julia Clancey pink and gold fizz turban, and Montroig fuchsia canvas espadrille flats; CHAFE DRAMATURGY, wearing a light brown Lardini wool suit, an Orlebar Brown navy-and-white-sand horizontal strip sweater, and moccasins; and BUFF TOEHOLD, wearing a Dunhill black travel wool blazer over a simple white shirt, red tie, black trousers and black Amberjack dress shoes.]

UPRIGHT: Buff, we’ll start with you and see how long we can go this time.

TOEHOLD: Commie-la Harris is finished, she’s toast, she’s dirty black sex toast, and America is finally seeing her for the —

[Long test tone and TOEHOLD’s mouth is pixelated. DOYENNE and DRAMATURGY laugh. Security guards race onstage and start to take him away.]

UPRIGHT: Maybe Buff’s got a lunch date. See you next week, my friend.

[At the edge of the stage BUFF spins and attempts to pull down his pants; the guards drag him off.]

Peoni, what must Harris do to make up the deficit?

DOYENNE: Well, she made a good start cutting back that awful capital gains tax, but I think she has to show the business community she’s really on their side. Elon Musk is off the table, but maybe there’s a similarly dashing figure she could cultivate?

DRAMATURGY: Like Mark Cuban?

DOYENNE: I don’t know who that is, I was thinking more of one of those “crypto bros.” That’s the thing with the apes, isn’t it? My grandson gave me one for Christmas.  Also she should show some foreign policy gravitas, and by that I of course mean the migrant invasion. Trump has raised the bar by promising to bomb Mexico. The least she can do is propose to invade Venezuela.

DRAMATURGY: But I don’t think it’s a matter of policy, Peoni. She’s got to convince voters she has the right stuff! Trump has already been president. People can see him sitting at the Resolute Desk.

DOYENNE: Well, maybe Joe Biden could let her sit at it and take pictures.

DRAMATURGY: Yes, and he can make some of those salty wisecracks he’s been making!

DOYENNE: Those are very funny.

DRAMATURGY: I don’t know why he’s not running against Trump.

UPRIGHT: You said he was senile.

DRAMATURGY: That’s not a problem. So was Reagan!

DOYENNE: Oh, you.  

UPRIGHT: And we’ll leave it there. When we return, hitting back at Dick and Liz Cheney’s endorsements of Kamala Harris, we’ll have Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Meghan McCain.

[Cochlea-boiling ear bullets as camera spins up and out, catching just before the break the security guards trying to put TOEHOLD’s pants back on.]